Question for Married/Once-Married/Union Friends:

[hypervigilante]

Hello Community!

This is my first posted question. Woah!   Sorry if you're seeing double, I believe I mistakenly posted this to another area of the forum.  I'll get better!

Those who have experienced/are experiencing marriage, domestic partnerships, or long-term very symbolic unions/commitments:



Relationships- does it get better? 



I am working so hard on my recovery and I'm with a securely attached man I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's survived a lot and still reaches out to me when I confusingly push/pull.  With my extreme gratitude, he has only been understanding instead of finding it overwhelming.  Yet I still have my triggers and I can be very convincing if my protective instincts want to see him as a threat just for being associated with a historical triggers.

Previously, I never could picture myself getting married, ever.  It wasn't sad as much as it felt factual.  And now I really am dreaming up this place where I could love someone forever and trust that they love me back.

Is this achievable? Is anyone close? Have I been imaging some figurative "Eden" that doesn't exist?  Or is it more like something you get better at over time, but it never goes away?

Or for those who have experienced divorce/dissolution; how do people recover from that level of expectation being scratched? ... Do they?

I'm so long-winded, and I even EDITED this message! Thanks for making it this far.

[C.]

Hello Hypervigilante, 

I know what you mean about posting your first question.  I remember when I did that and then would peek back to see if anyone had responded yet.  So I saw your question a couple of days ago, but I feel like a bit of a failure regards marital intimacy so I decided to wait to respond.  But, I do have some thoughts and experiences related to your question.

As far as Divorce, that was the trigger that set off my C-PTSD.  I was married 22 years and never thought of divorce as an option.  I still tremble thinking about it...huge feeling of abandonment.  For some reason those abandonment feelings of pain are still bigger than the childhood piece.  That said, I am an optimist.  I do believe two people can have a healthy relationship.  In hindsight I was married for 22 yrs to a man w/NPD who emotionally neglected and abused me, but I was in denial.

What you describe sounds like a healthy foundation for marriage.  It's really a continuation of what you have now that ideally simply improves and develops w/time, giving you companionship and support in your life.  I would say that about half of the time my marriage was sincerely pleasant and we were happy, so I'm drawing on those memories.

There are a lot of great books about the qualities of a healthy marriage.  And just like being human and living w/C-PTSD take effort, making a relationship "work" takes effort.  But ideally it's mostly pleasant, good enough, 80% of the time?  My T. has mentioned the primary compatibility areas which are: values, personality, and common interests (like hiking, dancing, whatever).

Next I would say that a relationship depends upon two people.  As long as both people are vested they can make it work.  I do not have control over the other person wanting that though, only myself.  So common values around commitment are crucial.  And an awareness that as imperfect beings relationships sometimes end.  But with enough support, appreciation and kindness I definitely believe a lifetime relationship is a possibility.  I hope to one day find that myself.  But right now I need to be content with Me loving Me

I've come to believe that love is action.   From what you describe it sounds like you've met a man who loves you.  And it sounds like you love him too.  That's wonderful and something to cherish.

[Cottonanx]

I'm married. It's not perfect, but I like it better than I liked being single. I have to watch my tendency to put too much pressure on my spouse, as pressure was put on me when I was a child. We've had rough patches. But it's good overall.

[hypervigilante]

As far as Divorce, that was the trigger that set off my C-PTSD.  I was married 22 years and never thought of divorce as an option.  I still tremble thinking about it...huge feeling of abandonment.  For some reason those abandonment feelings of pain are still bigger than the childhood piece.  That said, I am an optimist.  I do believe two people can have a healthy relationship.  In hindsight I was married for 22 yrs to a man w/NPD who emotionally neglected and abused me, but I was in denial.

C! What a horrible feeling!  I am so sorry to hear that you ever had to feel that way, thank you for being open with me in regards to what triggered your C-PTSD.  Of course these abandonment feelings would cause so much pain as you made a commitment with someone you trusted immensely would be there forever.  I can't begin to imagine how to move forward from that.

I have to say, I'm very appreciative you're a member of this forum. Much of what you've been describing come across as such healthy thoughts that are really inspirational to what I want to see in life.  Here's a snippet of what I mean, for example:

...a relationship depends upon two people.  As long as both people are vested they can make it work.  I do not have control over the other person wanting that though, only myself.  So common values around commitment are crucial.  And an awareness that as imperfect beings relationships sometimes end."

Especially this part:

But with enough support, appreciation and kindness I definitely believe a lifetime relationship is a possibility.  I hope to one day find that myself.  But right now I need to be content with Me loving Me

Even before that last sentence, I found myself thinking that you sound like you really love yourself in a way that I use to describe "success".  Actively.  I say this a lot, and I felt compelled to express this to you now.  I would merit my life "successful" if I managed to learn how to love myself in a healthy way that would lead to happy or more patient inward thoughts than I instinctively maintain as a symptom of C-PTSD. I'm sure you can relate to what I mean by that in your own CPTSD experiences. I just feel that there is a calm within you that exists in that optimism and healthy voice.

I feel more resolved already because if you're maintaining positivity and you're sounding so healthy, that sounds like an example worth following. Because you're probably really onto something!

Thank you very much, it's nice to hear support with something I highly covet. I wonder if this is true for all persons typically developing as well in that it's hard to come by support that feels genuine and unselfish.


BeHea1thy I'm eager to read up on John Gottman's work even more! I have heard of the four horseman before, but I could really use a re-schooling!

These statistics are very helpful to predict and of course try to prevent marital dissolution.  The focus of the personality traits/differences seems so vital as you describe it.  I feel it also exemplifies the trouble with my parent's marriage very well at it's core. The best I can do, it seems, is keep up with my part to be healthy and avoid my tendencies to get defensive and critical.

Cottonanx, thank you for your contribution!  It's nice to know that many of us could get married and experience that overall good relationship as C. described in his/her post as well.

[C.]

Hypervigilante, thank you for being so kind and empathetic about my experience.  And for your kind words about my health.  I strive.  I don't feel like I'm there often enough yet, but I"m getting closer.  For me Faith and a belief in something Greater than myself that truly is flawless really is the guiding light.  Although humans aren't perfect G-d is perfect and my G-d is loving, trusting, merciful...so I am loved and not alone.  The challenge is to act on and feel those things.

I am encouraged to hear you actively seeking your own happiness and self-worth.  That you look for support and ideas.  And the wonderful thing will be as you heal and you learn to trust and believe in the support that you can provide for yourself.  I'm certain you have much to offer for yourself and for a loved one.

[lonewolf]

Hello hypervigilante,

This is an interesting question/topic. I'm not sure I have much to contribute as relationships have always been difficult for me. I've managed to have a few serious ones, but not very long-lasting, and I've never been married. The one piece of progress is that my recent ex-boyfriend is still a close friend and we continue to support each other when necessary. Apart from a few close friends, he is one of the only people I can truly trust and who seems to accept me (and my issues). That is a huge outcome (and comfort). Similar to C., my break ups have always been a huge trigger (abandonment, rejection, not good enough, etc.) so it is an area I've struggled with my whole life. I am hopeful that my ability to trust and build an intimate relationship gets better and grows as I recover.

I was pleased to read your post and see that you have a partner who supports and loves you unconditionally. He sounds like a gem. 

[Widdiful Falling]

I could never see myself being in a committed relationship, either. But it is achievable, and it certainly does get better.

I think the key to any long-term relationship, romantic or otherwise, is open and honest communication. I am still working on this in my own life. I tend to be very walled off. But my SO is a firm believer in this, and has helped me see its value. I think this is why we work so well together.

Maintaining open and honest communication is a * of a task, though. It's being vulnerable in front of another human being; it's giving someone else access to the worst parts of you, and trusting they won't use them against you.

The trust aspect is super hard. It's instinctual to most people, but in case it's not to you, here's the handy trust checklist I use, courtesy of the lovely members of our sister site, Out of the FOG:

Will this person tell my secrets? Have they in the past?
Does this person have a history of invalidating my feelings?
Does this person do anything to make me feel uncomfortable?

If you answer negatively to any of the above questions, you should probably look for someone else to attach to. Be careful out there. It's really easy to jump from one end of the spectrum regarding trust to the other. Like I said, for most people, it's instinctual. Our sense of trust has been broken. Please don't trust blindly, and keep some guidelines in mind.