Glad to be here with you all

[zanzoken]

It's hard to distill one's story down into a few paragraphs, as I'm sure you can all relate.  I will try my best though.

I was a happy, healthy child until my parents got divorced when I was 11 years old.  My mother took me and moved several hours away, leaving my father and older brother behind.  I didn't adjust well and experienced a traumatic breakdown that I still vividly remember.  Although I eventually reached a new, fractured equilibrium, I don't think I've ever been well since.

I stayed with my mother for two years, but she eventually let me return home.  My father had cast himself in the role of my savior, but unfortunately I soon came to realize that was a lie.  He was a hateful, controlling, abusive person, and spent the remaining years of my childhood grinding my spirit into dust. 

I did my best to put it all behind me and move on, but in my adult life I have continued to suffer.  When I finally sought treatment several years back, I was diagnosed as bipolar, but none of the medicines or talk therapy seemed to help.  There are times when despair falls near and I wonder if I will ever be able to live a good, meaningful life.

Finding this place has given me new hope, though, and renewed my desire to explore treatment.  Learning about cPTS / RTR makes me feel like I am finally starting to understand what happened to me and why my life is the way it is.  I am reading "The Body Keeps the Score" now and after I have had a chance to finish and contemplate it, I want to find a doctor or therapist who understands the nature of what we contend with, and knows how to help me heal.

Thank you for reading.  I wish you all the best and I hope I can make a positive contribution to this community.

[Libby183]

Welcome Zanzoken.

It's good to meet you, and I hope that you will find the help and support you need.

Being here will be positive step, I am sure.

All the best to you. You deserve a much more settled life going forward.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Zanzoken, glad you found us and especially that you have figured out you likely have CPTSD/RTR versus any of the other diagnoses we're often given such as bipolar.  It's a big step once we get that AND when we figure out it's not us, it's what happened to us, that we were injured at the hands of others and responded in the only way we could to ongoing abnormal/traumatic stress. 

So sorry for what you went through, none of us should have had to endure what we did as children and now in our adult years find ourselves still struggling with the fallout.  Your phrase "grinding my spirit into dust" resonated with me, I don't think there's enough awareness or acceptance just yet of how destructive parents' emotional abuse can be but you've described it to a "t". In any event you'll find that's a given here which can be such a relief, having others who totally get it.   

[Not Alone]

Zanzoken, welcome. 

Thank you for sharing your story. When I read, "grinding my spirit to dust," I groaned aloud. I feel sad for the deep pain you have experienced. Glad you are here to receive support.

[zanzoken]

Thank you all for the kind words. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, zanzoken I'm glad you found us.

[zanzoken]

Thank you, Blueberry 

[BeeKeeper]

zanzoken,

Welcome!  The fact that you've read and reflected on The Body Keeps the Score and

want to find a doctor or therapist who understands the nature of what we contend with, and knows how to help me heal.

tells me that you've faced this head on. This is the right place for those who need others who understand without long detailed explanations.

[Armadillo]

Welcome and I feel sad that you went through that. 

[zanzoken]

Thank you, BeeKeeper and Armadillo