Triggered by T

[OceanStar]

I just need to get this out. This could end up being a ramble.

My T has freaked me out. She didn't intend to I know. She asked me to do something to aid with grounding, such a simple thing, but it was like a direct trigger. I am still not ok days after therapy.
We've been working together for years,  I trust her, I love her (this is a mutual, not in a weird way, we have both acknowledged this in sessions, in a deeply caring way) she actually gets me and now she triggers me.
Things she has said/ done have triggered me before and we've worked it through but this was so different.
I panicked in a whole new way. I was already in a flashback, I was coming out of it then suddenly the threat came from her. I am so freaked out by what happened. I don't know what to do. Was I staying with it and feeling something or was something else going on. I just had to keep saying no, I felt so out of control. I am so on edge. Am I finally begining to shift how I interact in flashbacks and find a voice to say what I need.
Has anyone else noticed a change in the way they come out of flashbacks?
I usually freeze, very still, quiet but this time I was shaking my head saying no I can't and I dont want to it was so different.
I am really scared about my next session, I know I need to tell her what happened, it was right at the end of session, the last minute so I don't think she realised what was going on. I feel if I tell her it might be like pressing repeat and doing it all over again. I am so confused. I don't feel like me.

[Not Alone]

OceanStar,

That sounds like a really scary and overwhelming experience. I hope you are able to meet with your T soon to work out what was so triggering. Leaving a therapy session and feeling worse is horrible (I've been there).

[Armadillo]

Oh gosh, hon, that sounds awful! 

Yeah, you'll want to tell her. Preferably sooner than your next appointment? Is that a possibility? If I were your therapist I wouldn't want you suffering any longer by being triggered by me while already in a flashback. She'd probably want to help you ground in the present and to fix whatever happened with her.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear OCeanStar, I'm so sorry you had such a reaction to whatever she said to/asked of you. I agree with Armadillo and Notalone that it's important that you tell her so you can feel safe going back to therapy.

My T has said to me that it's important to go slowly (titrate) because if I come to associate therapy with pain/fear I obviously won't want to go.  I agree that it has to be a safe space to explore my trauma at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me. 

It certainly sounds like you have a good relationship and can talk openly with your therapist.

Big    and hope you come out of this sooner rather than later.

[OceanStar]

Thank you Not Alone, Armadillo, and Kizzie. Your messages helped me to have the courage to say what had happened at my next session.

My T brought the ending of our previous session up as she realised something was off but there was no time on zoom to go any further. I was able to explain what had happened, this is massive as I'd usually freeze at even the thought of communicating why I freeze. I feel like she understands my triggers and how they fit into my story now. Hopefully sessions will end better from now on.

[Jazzy]

While I am truly sorry you have been through this difficult experience, I am happy to see you write of such impressive progress in your healing journey.

I find this especially powerful:

I was able to explain what had happened, this is massive as I'd usually freeze at even the thought of communicating why I freeze.

Congratulations on all of your hard work and accomplishments! 

<3 Jazzy

[Kizzie]

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