What do you do if you're pissed at someone?

[goblinchild]

But she's a friend?

Like, she's kind of being an * but I have no reason to believe that she wouldn't try to change her behavior if asked. She's repetitively shown she can change harmful behaviors and grow as a person so I guess this isn't different?

And I guess she's shown a capacity to be empathetic of me, even if I'm upset at her?

But the only confrontation I know is having a screaming match or pleading, humiliatingly, to be treated like a person. And I think the screaming match is because the people in my past either did not care when they hurt me, or were too deep in their own coping mechanisms to acknowledge it. Why calmly tell someone you've been hurt when they don't care or won't acknowledge it? What purpose does it serve? It's not really a problem to them unless you make it a problem. (via a screaming match)

Every fiber of my being wants to make this a screaming match and feels like she's not going to be able to hear me because she's too stuck in her own mindset. But idk if evidence supports that belief. I don't want to scream at my friend? How do I handle that? What do I do with all of this anger?

[CactusFlower]

confrontation and boundary-setting can be hard. You seem to have hope that it would have a positive result in the first part of what you wrote. I have a tendency to overreact in anger sometimes. What I've found helpful is writing up a document with all the things I want to say, then letting it sit for a day or two. Then I look at it, edit it if it seems super reactive, and maybe email it to that person. Caveat, I personally express myself better in writing than in person.

Example: "We are friends and I'm having a hard time letting you know that I felt very (hurt, angry, whatever) when X happened. I have past trauma that means I react like X, but I'm writing in hopes we can calmly and maturely discuss this since I really value your friendship."

Totally made, up, feel free to use/edit/ignore, whatever you need. I hope it helps.

[Not Alone]

I thought CactusFlower gave good advice.

Am I hearing correctly? It sounds like you feel that you won't be heard when you are angry unless you are yelling. I hear a lot of feelings, and also beliefs or practices that go way back for you. Ultimately, no matter how you express yourself, you don't have control over someone else's reaction. We can't make someone hear us. (Believe me, I've tried and still try.  )

It seems like it might be important to keep in mind what you wrote about your friend:

I have no reason to believe that she wouldn't try to change her behavior if asked. She's repetitively shown she can change harmful behaviors and grow as a person so I guess this isn't different?

And I guess she's shown a capacity to be empathetic of me, even if I'm upset at her?

[Jazzy]

This sounds very challenging goblinchild, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this.

I understand that anger. I've been there so many times myself. I think you're making good progress understanding and processing it though.

I agree with CactusFlower, what I would do in your case is to write things out over a period of days. That way you can get it out on paper (or digitally), but also have time to think clearly about it. When I am ready, I would then share it. Possibly starting with how much I was struggling with the anger, and stating my intentions were only to improve things for everyone.

I hope you find a good way to deal with this, even if it is not what I suggested. Hopefully this leads to experiences where you are heard without yelling.

[Renaissance]

I also hear you goblinchild and not only do i see and relate to your struggle with your anger, i am finding great strength and also learning from your communication in asking for help. I wish from my own experience that i was able to communicate in this way many years ago.

Sadly when i was angry at someone i would always say that their behaviour was ok and that i was ok for fear of overeacting and not wanting a confrontation, often walking away or even just becoming silent. Unintentionally, because i did not know how to regulate myself emotionally, this little bit of anger would be stored up on top of all the other small irritations and then explode three or four months later. Sadly my behaviour was equally as abusive as to what i was experiencing and so it became destructive to the costs of friendships/relationships.

I still need to check my behaviour when i am feeling angry with someone but after a lot of therapy (ongoing) and hard work looking at myself, i began to understand that my anger would be much less destructive when i learned to listen to myself as a first step. After all how do i expect other people to hear me when i cannot hear myself. I am after all a product of my upbringing where children should be seen and not heard.

I agree with Notalone, you cannot make someone hear you, but you can hear yourself. I believe that the advice from CactusFlower does actually give a voice to your anger and that by writing this down also allows you to hear yourself and possibly find a more positive way of communicating with your friend. As Jazzy says, this also helps to clarify your intentions which I believe also puts the responsibility of your friends behaviour back onto her. I hope that my perspective is as helpful to you as yours is to me.



Thank you all of you.

[Jazzy]

Welcome Renaissance, and thank you for sharing.

It sounds like you have learned a lot which has been very helpful, and are still improving. Congratulations! 

I'm extremely impressed by your writing style. Your post here is very well crafted!

<3 Jazzy

[Blueberry]

I hear you goblinchild. I've read your post a few times. I don't have an answer. I have slightly different questions instead. But I want to let you know that I hear your struggles.

[smindia1981]

@goblinchild,  I face something similar. I have uncontrollable rage and my parents just won't listen and continue to not listen. I really don't know how to deal with my anger, except to go silent so I don't hurt anyone around me. I am also guilty of not understanding the feelings of someone I love very deeply. I had to really look into the pain I felt when we would fight and then realise how I had been toxic. I am making changes and I am grateful that they didn't give up on me. But I also have people in my life(NC and LC), that just don't get it and I at times am just pacing around raging,  unable to manage or understand. Crying helps many times, but I don't know if it will in your case. You sound like someone who is so patient despite whatever you have been through. Willing to give people chances, I really appreciate people like this. Thank you for sharing. Hoping and praying you find a way.
@cactusflower, I do feel your suggestion is a good one. Writing out does help in getting clarity when rage clouds up everything. I think I am going to try it whenever next I start foaming at the mouth. Thank you for your input. 
@notalone, I have tried to work with people.like that and they don't listen. No matter what. I was frustrated and hurt and was being constantly betrayed by their behaviour. They just don't get it. They don't want to look into their mistakes or rather sins. I just went NC with Some and LC with others.  I understand your frustration to some extent I feel.
@renaissance, I have done and am doing the same. Justify the behaviour that made me angry, being silent for the fear of overreacting,  not wanting to rock the boat, avoiding confrontation, and the list goes on and on. I start raging and I can't even think clearly. I do believe that in my case, my own catastrophic thinking, and just dealing with a very cruel and harsh inner critic,  self loathing,  might be causing the rage and not so much as the behaviour of people around me. Sure my family can be annoying at times, but so am I,  but I feel I overreact too much, and take offence where none is intended, and start reading people and looking into patterns,  where none exist. Listening to myself has been hard as the anger just doesn't subside at times, but it helps. I am able to to some extent reduce the horrible thoughts, and manage the anger.
Thank you for posting the reply. Well written
@jazzy, I had a question.  What do you do when you get angry? I mean will being silent be considered a toxic behaviour? But I am.not angry for the right reasons,  and it is more of transference anger, and I just don't want to explode at that point. So what do I do?
And thank you all for sharing.  I really appreciate it.
🙏

[Jazzy]

Smindia1981, this is an interesting question. I need to stop and think for a while. Thank you for asking it.

With the exception of becoming extremely angry when I realized just how terribly my mother has treated me my entire life, I haven't been angry this year.

I believe the best thing to do really depends where a person is at on the topic at hand, in this case, anger. Furthermore it depends what they're angry about, and how much anger they feel.

Being silent may be a good choice. I have done this for a long time because it was better than exploding and hurting someone, including myself. However if I can deal with my anger in a healthier, quicker way, then staying silent would be a toxic thing for me to do in that case.

I can only make a suggestion based on how I have dealt with my realization about my mother, as well as my behaviour in the past. It is a very complex topic, so only you can truly know what is best for yourself.

If I were in your situation, I would find a safe place where I could be angry. I don't know how dangerous your anger is, but mine was extremely bad. Depending how dangerous it is will depend how safe the place needs to be. There are times I took the mattresses off my bed and stood them up in front and behind me, in order to partially enclose myself in a relatively safe area.

Once I felt safe to feel angry (even though it started out feeling only a little safe), I would think about what I truly was angry about, differentiating between this and the transference. I used music to help me; energetic, powerful music which directly talks about the reality of dealing with trauma.

This enabled me to feel angry, and I had such a tremendous amount of anger to feel. I found a lot of physical activity helped me to burn off the anger. To me, anger is pure energy, and that energy kept me going through the worst of it all.

When it wasn't so bad, I would run or lift weights... and when it was bad, I would punch or kick the mattresses. Honestly, sometimes I would punch and kick harder things too, though that is not so good to do. Generally violent actions like that are not good, but when a person has been treated so badly, sometimes exceptions must be made.

I'm not sure how well this suggestion will connect with you, due to what you said on the other thread about not wanting to focus on exercise right now. The key thing is to take a small step to do what is best for you.

I understand what you mean about overreacting and how it extends so far in to finding patterns which don't really exist. I have done that for years myself. I thought the anger just wouldn't subside at times too, but for me it was because there was just so much of it that was so powerful. I needed to work through and process all of it, which took a long time.

It sounds like you have a lot of things to work through too. I'm sorry that is the case, but it is good that you have started. I'm sure as you continue to work through all of this and embrace your feelings more, that all of this will get better.

All the best with this Smindia1981

<3 Jazzy

[smindia1981]

@jazzy, thank you for posting such an in depth response
I noticed that everytimw you or anyone else here would write anything appreciative about me my inner critic would jump to the conclusion of 'only if they knew'. And similar stuff. Difficult to accept appreciation and very eager to find faults and constant self critical behaviour on my part probably only leads to.more anger.
I am yet to find am appropriate way to channel my anger. When I am raging there is a constant chatter in my head which is such a horrible and negative and demeaning voice that I feel overwhelmed with fear of abandonment and that onky fuels the anger. I kind of understand that I fear that I will be treated the same way again and it is so scary that I end up just raging.
There is no logic for how and why I feel that way.
Reading your post I do feel that you had a truly miserable time. And that suffering has so much to do with the rage that you struggle with. I am glad to know that you are getting to a place where you are managing the anger better.
I agree with youbthat small steps, and allowing the anger to subside patiently is a viable solution perhaps.
I read 'the body keeps the score' and there the author writes that people who face abuse and trauma in childhood do have a latent rage that they have no control over.
That resonated with me a lot. Going NC with my mother brought out a lot to the forefront  as I had to face so much that had been lying dormant.
My discovery of my abuse also started with me becoming a mother first when I had my daughter and then when I had my son, her behaviour just escalated.
Then many memories came back of both her and my father being just obnoxious,  abusive and so cruel.
As I am writing I realise I am holding my breath.
It will take time and patience and a  lot of confronting of my self beliefs.
Thank you for reading and replying back with
In detail.
Much appreciated
🙏