Laurels' Grove

[laurels]

I actually started a paper journal a few days ago. My partner and I recently moved to a different country, and as a "we did it!" celebratory gift, I got myself a pretty notebook (and matching pen!) for inner child work and other mental health management. It's even illustrated inside and is just very encouraging to work in. I usually don't last long on these bouts of self-help or self-care, I'm hoping the pretty journal and the forum will keep me on track. Usually I just become overwhelmed, because if I were to do every single thing that's good for me I wouldn't have time to do literally anything else. And how to choose which few things to focus on? And how much is too much vs. how much is not enough? 

I'm thinking to primarily work in my physical notebook but update here with breakthroughs, for community support, or with things I simply wouldn't want to lose. I might transcribe everything! Just edited and anonymized for public viewing. Then I can both be as candid as I need privately, and still able to share things publicly.
_____________

Here's my first entry from June 24th:

Trying to figure out why I randomly started crying, when finally having some alone time for the first time in ages. I miss alone time... Anyway, possible factors:

• Had a long conversation with mom on the phone and it was actually good? Seeing as she's currently interested in the same thing I am - our move - I wasn't being cut off or dismissed too much. Maybe I'm even missing her?
• Partner forgot something at home and came back to get it, he was very irritated. All this while I was trying to connect/disconnect/reconnect the call with mom, had me a bit shaken.
• I've gotten an email from a friend in the morning that made me very happy, but I didn't allow myself to reply to it straight away. It's a struggle between being authentic and scaring people off with how desperate/clingy I seem (am?)
• Earlier today I wrote a draft of my intro post to this forum! It had me visiting a very lonely fragile place.
• Partner being out with people has me thinking - do I wish I had people to go out with? Or do I miss him? Or general attention? We haven't done a lot together recently despite constantly being in each other's space. He was withdrawn and resting from his anxiety attacks.
• I actually started crying during a gentle yoga routine for my back pain. So maybe it's connected to the physical release? Or just the concept of treating myself gently? Caring for my pain... That's a big childhood issue, not being believed about my pain. Even my partner isn't always considerate of it - that makes me feel small and rejected. After how difficult it is to admit I'm not ok in the first place...

Leaning towards the "slow and patient treating of pain" explanation. My main love language is acts of service and while you can do a lot to alleviate pain, lots of it is just one-and-done. This was actually spending the time on Doing Something.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi laurels,

Treating yourself to a pretty notebook and special pen are great ways to reinforce the sanctity and safety of a journal. It helps to use the best, more cherished things to buoy the spirits along a journey. Congrats on your successful move. May it allow you to grow in unexpectedly good ways.

Crying (out of the blue) is sometimes a clue that there's a lot of emotion buried under the conscious self. It often appears when there is a moment of stillness, not previously allowed. I took a meditation course and cried silent tears for 20 minutes- questioning the cause. I never found it.

All the best on your new home transition and self-care embrace. 

[laurels]

Thanks BeeKeeper,
I wouldn't be surprised if it's as you said - first moment of solitude in ages, and a moment of physical and mental stillness - finally safe to let some things out. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure with the move, basically since April. I've been expecting a Big Breakdown as soon as we're settled here, but so far it hasn't come. Maybe instead it will be these little blips of release.

[laurels]

Jun 25 (tw food, fatshaming)

The issue of not being believed, whether about pain or other sensory issues (ASD related), especially by my mom, has been following me. I'm especially haunted by my school lunches. They were convenient and perfectly fine for her. For me they were inedible - the bread soggy from the wilted vegetables, the butter slightly stinky after hours in the heat of our climate, waiting for the lunch break in my locker. I couldn't make myself eat them. I don't know if I ever brought it up and was ignored, or if I'd already learned by then that it won't make a difference. But I was hungry a lot. It's embarrassing and was humiliating even then, but I'd pick up and eat things like stray chips someone else dropped on the ground. At one point I managed to beg off some money for the canteen, but that was seen by my parents as "extra", so it was only the equivalent of 0.25-0.50EUR per day. So around two times a week I could buy something edible. (Except one of those days was a Friday; good because you could order a baked potato on the short break and pick it up on the long one, bad because that was when choir practice happened so it wasn't exactly the best eating experience, rushing to not make the director mad).

I also immediately reached for snacks after getting home, dinner was a ways away still. Something easy a ten year old could handle - a candy bar, some crackers with cheese. My mom "allowed" it but would always "warn" and berate me about how I'm going to get fat... (I would get fat anyway, just looking at our family genetics).

Anyway, sad about all the above. I deserved accommodation for my autistic sensitivities, especially from my caregivers. I deserved to eat during the day, to have that security.

[laurels]

(This is from one of the great resources already listed in the tools section of this forum - I made a selection of quotes that speak to me)

You don't need permission to exist. You deserve to take up space.
You have the right to acknowledge your feelings without having to justify them.
I refuse to judge myself according to the standards of a society that makes no place for people like me.
I am worth taking care of.
I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I am enough.
Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.

(And one I saw on... I want to say tumblr?)
Just because you can take it doesn't mean you have to.

[laurels]

Jun 26
I did this activity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HZrDELKXeY

(I'm going to split the journaling into a couple of posts, and skip the image)

What makes me happy?
Playing with blocks, talking with someone through the night, grandpa's breakfasts, peace and quiet (which often means solitude), reading

What makes me sad?
When I'm forced to go against my needs and boundaries - made to socialize when I need to withdraw, made to eat things I don't like. I'm sad I'm not listened to and overridden. I'm also sad to not have the "stay up all night talking" relationship with my sister anymore (or anyone else).

What makes me angry?
Also when I'm forced to do something against my will. When people/the environment overloads me and still expects me to be "normal" and participate. I'm mad that people assume so many things about what "normal" is, putting the onus of straightening it all out on me. It's too much work, and sometimes it's easier to just let it go and push through instead.

What do I fear?
That I'm the only one like this, that I'll always have to hide, so that no one finds out I'm "crazy". So they don't reject/abandon/lock me up. That I'll never find people who will get it, get me, without lengthy explanations, because they are the same. That I'll always end up being too much of a nuisance for neurotypicals, even if they originally care about me.

[laurels]

What is hurting me?
As a child - not being in control of the environment/amount of stimuli I'm exposed to. Being treated like an object without a soul or personhood.
As an adult - the fears I still carry, the same ones. The voices of unworthiness, the unrealistic expectations that can't be met by others. The pain of letting go of those ideals.

What is helping me?
Being able to withdraw, whatever the socially acceptable way of doing that is - getting lost in a book (praised for intelligence), long baths/taking my time in the bathroom (not always respected).
Nowadays - having a partner who understands how hard masking is, and makes enough money that I don't have to work. Being in control of my time and environment, my sensory diet. (Sometimes I'm afraid I isolate too much...)

What do I like about myself?
I'm kind and sensitive, people are comfortable sharing their troubles with me. I'm creative, like drawing and editing designs. I don't know if I liked anything about myself as a child. Now I like my curiosity, my open-mindedness. (This is such a difficult question, got me distracted and thinking about why -friend- stopped talking to me)

What do I dislike about myself?
That some things are so difficult for me, where they seem so easy and simple for others. Sometimes I do wish I was normal. I dislike my weak boundaries and lack of assertiveness. I also dislike some things about my body, but I'm trying no to be judgmental about it.

[laurels]

What have I learned?
That I'm autistic and transgender. That people can care and love us and it might not come across in a perceivable way at all. That people will disappoint you, nobody's perfect after all, but some will positively surprise you. Sometimes they'll offer you a glimpse of your reflection back. A lot of the pain is echoes of the past, which are just difficult to shed.

What changes would I make?
I want to be less isolated, which means either finding other neurodiverse people, or being open about who I am with neurotypicals, and learning to stand my ground about my needs, communicating them, without apology or room for discussion.

Advice from my inner child to my current self

• when you find a good social moment - bask in it, live it fully, let it nourish you
• enjoy the peaceful beauty of nature, notice all its colors, patterns, textures
• lose yourself in a book sometimes, experience life's adventures via proxy
• do things with your hands, see your effect on the world - like crafting
• find escape routes and ways to be alone, to avoid a shutdown or the fear of one
• protect your senses without shame - wear sunglasses even if no one else is, wear earplugs. Try to be unapologetic about it, there's nothing to be sorry for - it's a biological need!
• you didn't have anyone else in your corner for so long and you've made it so far! Even if it's sad. Remember how strong you are, love and admire that about yourself

[Armadillo]

Hi your post about your school lunches made me feel very sad for little you. 

[laurels]

Thanks Armadillo. It does seem like it would be objectively sad, but I just don't trust myself assessing at least half of my memories. "It wasn't so bad", you know? But I think that only because it's about me, and I'm used to thinking about myself in this way, of not mattering much. Of course if I imagine seeing that happen to someone else, the situation is much clearer. I appreciate the validation.

[Jazzy]

Hi Laurels 

I apologize that I have not read your entire journal yet. Normally I would do that before posting, but it has been some time already so I at least want to say hello.

I'm extremely impressed by your positivity and your writing. I like the formatting you use and the way it is laid out. That's impressive on its own, much more so considering everything you are dealing with. Congratulations! 

I find using people's chosen names to be a very important show of respect, which is critcally important to me. Some of us here, myself included, have changed our legal names, so chosen name is especially important to us.

I also like to decorate names here. I certainly benefit from more respect in my life because I've had so little, and I know many others are in a similar situation. Perhaps you are too.

Would you like me to colour your name? If so, which colour would you like? It can be any colour you want!

Gender is a challenging subject for me. I was taught many horrible things about people who do not fit in to the historical binary categories. I reject all of those things absolutely, but it is still not yet easy. I'm sorry I am not yet more comfortable and confident with the matter. I hope you can understand, though I wish you didn't have to.

It is amazing that you embrace who you are and express it in your life, despite how difficult it is at times. I find that to be very motivating! Thank you for your openness and honesty. 

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Laurels' Grove, yeah I get that... not so bad stuff. Its tough. I thought Roxane Gay made the point really poignantly in her book "Not that bad." I'll be happy sad to reflect your story back to you. That what happened wasn't ok and was sad.

[laurels]

Thank you Armadillo, thank you Jazzy. Would you like me to color your name like you do? I'd need some help figuring that out, you can message me privately if you want. Thank you for your offer, my first instinct is "I don't want to be a bother", but since you offered... maybe some sort of lighter blue? Those on the dropdown list don't do it for me but alternatively maroon would be ok.

Don't worry about not being where you want yet with unlearning all the toxic gender stuff - I'm not there either. It's more subtle now, like I notice I still value cisness more, without outright consciously thinking of transness as lesser. It's weird all around. But to look on the positive - we do have respecting chosen names in common! I agree about how it's an important show of respect. Common problem for trans folks. I'm not getting a lot of that respect in particular from my family, but they're getting better. (Surprisingly the people who are best about it are the people I least like - for all sorts of bigotry - go figure).

I haven't read everyone's journals completely yet, but I do want to show my support (where I can without having a broader context). It's probably the polite thing to do, start from the beginning, but I'm worried I won't be able to handle it emotionally. So I'll take it slowly for now. And I understand if others need to as well. I think it would be counter to the point of this forum if we all went and overburdened ourselves emotionally and mentally for the sake of others, even if we do like and care about them.

I'm sorry, my words are really off today. I've had two changes of plans today (not important at all, but really threw me, thanks ASD brain) and I've been foggy since. Took me three times as long to do groceries than usual, couldn't remember where things were, what we had at home. The shopping list was vague with room for improvisation ("snacks", "dinner") and that turned out to be very unhelpful in that state, only draining me more. Not sure how, but I'm going to try and rest now. Maybe I'll transcribe more entries later.

[rainydiary]

Laurels, I'm glad you are here offering your perspective and experience. 

[BeeKeeper]

Laurels,

I also want to offer my support and encouragement. The highly descriptive wilted lettuce and slightly rancid butter did it for me! While the content itself is pitiful, your ability to tell a story with pictures and words everyone can relate to is a real gift. Jazzy commented on the layout and the formatting. That makes a big difference in readability, but I notice that you are doing the work. Being able to articulate these ideas, so soon after a major upheaval in life (your move!) is truly outstanding, Wow! When you go through those times of "grinding gears" taking longer to do stuff, step back, and give yourself some time and space. Nobody hums along at optimal speed everyday.