zanzoken's journal

[BeeKeeper]

Hello zanzoken,

I can certainly relate to the feelings of planning something and then not feeling comfortable enough to execute once there. This can be discouraging and erode your sense of competence. If possible, could you allow that this very awareness of hypervigilance  (SOT) and acute sensitivity to sound are ways in which you have recognized an obstacle? Some people experience this, and other things, like dissociation, without knowing or being able to identify it. The advantage of recognition is that it enables you to pick the experience apart, and possibly even come up with solutions.

Re the park: time of day, weather, location, your comfort. If the spot you picked was intrusive, are there other, similar or even dissimilar spots nearby? Would you be open to exploration or feel safe doing so? Not everyone does.

Vocal animal greetings can be a problem. Is there any way to abbreviate it or change it in any manner? Maybe not, but worth thinking about.

I don't have any answers for you, only recognition of what you are going through.

[Not Alone]

Even in complete stillness the hamster wheel rarely stops turning.

Me too. You're right, it is exhausting.

[zanzoken]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your suggestions on how to deal with some of the things that make me uncomfortable.  I think you are correct to point out the advantage that recognition brings, since it opens up the possibility for us to make mindful choices.  I find that sometimes I'm able to work through my feelings and proceed, and sometimes I just have to disengage.  I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard in this stage of my recovery... to just accept my limitations for now and try to love myself in spite of my flaws.

Notalone, I'm sorry you also deal with the issue of an overactive mind.  I met with a new T for the first time this past week (who claims to be a trauma specialist) and she asked me to start by identifying / experimenting with different ways to help calm my emotions.  I have a few that I already know about and I hope I can discover more.

Wishing you both all the best in your continued recovery.

[Not Alone]

I met with a new T for the first time this past week (who claims to be a trauma specialist) and she asked me to start by identifying / experimenting with different ways to help calm my emotions.  I have a few that I already know about and I hope I can discover more.

That's great. It really is an experiment. I have found that what helps in one season, may not be as helpful at another time, and visa versa. Some things that might help are actually triggering, although helpful to other people. I like that your T said to "experiment."

[zanzoken]

Affect dysregulation (AD)

Depression is probably the worst symptom I deal with, and I suppose this is the category where that belongs.  I exist in an almost constant state of physical fatigue and emotional apathy where it is a major challenge to do anything healthy or productive.  I don't get a lot of genuine pleasure out of anything, nor am I able to consistently find the will to pursue goals and try to improve my life.  I am not giving up hope but I just feel tired, empty, and hollow all the time.

I also struggle a lot with feeling like I'm not really present in my own life.  Time is passing me by and I feel the sadness of what is being lost every day, but even when I muster up the energy to do normal things I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I guess this could be described as dissociation (a term I am still struggling to fully understand).  However you describe it, I feel like I am not really in control of my own life anymore.

There is more that I could write here but it's a lot to unpack and I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you beginning to write and explore this.  It helps me as I don't think I typically associate my experience with depression but actually think depression is more part of my story.  It helps me to see how others describe their story so I have words to talk about my experiences.

[zanzoken]

Thank you, rainydiary.  I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment.  It makes me feel good to know that you are benefitting... all the best to you.

[CactusFlower]

I've had depression, so I resonate with how that feels. It can be just... blah and meh a lot. And we're here for you whether you want to talk about it or not.

[zanzoken]

Thank you, CactusFlower

[zanzoken]

Negative self-concept (NSC)

Highly critical of self

I have a deep, intense disdain for the parts of myself that are weak and undisciplined.  Part of it is due to relational trauma, and part of it is because I believe I am capable of being so much more than I currently am.

I have a done a lot of work in recent years on being patient with myself and trying to find acceptance for my flawed humanity.  I believe I have made strides in this area but I suspect that I still have much farther to go.

There is more that I want to say here but I'm having trouble finding the right words.  I will have to revisit this later.

Feeling worthless

There is a voice in my narrative that believes I am not capable of living a good life.  That in spite of my apparent talents or my best intentions, I am destined to fail.  This prevents me from being confident so it needs to be addressed.

However, I don't think trying to silence the voice is the answer.  I should pause to consider where it comes from and why it persists.  Again, I am failing to find the words I want, which gives rise to anger.  But I accept that today, this is the best I can do.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you articulating these things.  I can relate to what you shared and have also been especially focusing on myself as an imperfect human.  I am currently noticing how deeply embedded these things are in myself and I wonder what it will take for the underlying beliefs to change.  I hope that you continue to find what supports you. 

[zanzoken]

Thank you, rainydiary.

I'm reflecting more on what I said about being highly critical of myself.  I want to know more but looking into myself in this manner is like peering into a heavy fog, or a dark body of water.  I can't see through to the end or make out any of the details of what lies within.  I only know that it is deep and overwhelming, and will require careful consideration to safely navigate.

[zanzoken]

Disturbed relationships (DR)

Social anxiety

I tend to have a hard time in social situations.  I have a fear that I am always on the verge of humiliating myself and allowing people to see that I am a failure and a fraud.  Sometimes I can "throw caution to the wind" and allow myself to take risks, such as allowing my personality to show.  But I never feel comfortable and I have a tendency to just avoid interacting with others as much as I can.

Desire to isolate

I spend a lot of time alone.  I always have.  I tend to get tired out after a certain amount of exposure to others and I don't feel normal unless I get enough alone time.  I don't know if this is my natural personality or a consequence of relational trauma (probably both).  Part of the reason I avoid others is I feel like I have nothing to offer and no one could possibly be interested in me.  I know one side of me is quite lonely, but the other is relieved to be able to move through life largely unnoticed.

Feeling different from others

I often feel like I don't have much in common with other people.  I have made many acquaintances over the years, but few close friendships.  I don't really have any interest in mainstream culture and I don't have hobbies or things that help me to meet others.  I have never really found a place or a community that felt like home.

Mistrust

I tend to be cynical, especially of mainstream establishments and authority figures.  There is part of me that wants to be optimistic, but it's difficult to do so with the current state of our world and culture.  I feel a persistent internal conflict in wanting to see the best in others, when my experience has been that they consistently let me down.

Fear of vulnerability and intimacy

I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable, especially to romantic partners.  My last relationship lasted almost three years and yet I don't think I ever allowed myself to be a full participant in it.  I never really felt supported by my partner, and for the most part I don't feel supported by my family or friends.  I always feel alone, even when I'm not.

[zanzoken]

With that out of the way, I just want to pause for a moment and say thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my journal.  I don't expect anyone to do so, but I appreciate it, and I hope my writing can be helpful to you in some way.

If you have read or commented in my journal and I haven't done the same for you, I apologize.  I read some when I feel I can, but it is difficult because I am at such a weak point in my recovery.
However I don't want anyone here to feel like they are not important or valued.  I believe you all deserve to be heard and cared for, and again I hope that is something I can contribute more to, both in the present and the future. 

[rainydiary]

Zan, all of your reflections, but especially the one on the "desire to isolate," resonate with me.  I've been navigating and thinking a lot about this.  I have a solitary nature and I value my solitude.  I can see times where it does cross into isolation and is related to trauma, I suppose.  But I have always felt so judged for wanting to be on my own.  My parents were really hard on me about that too. 

For me, the nuance I am trying to find is balancing the tendency I have to always feel like I have to do things on my own and finding people I genuinely trust to connect with when I am stuck.  I think I tend to isolate when I am feeling the effects of CPTSD and I've found a few people (that is currently 2.5 people) that I can reach out to and process with. 

It's still a process and I often feel like I am on the outside and don't have a place.  I am trying to create my own place and sense of belonging.  I have been wondering if I trust myself and feel I belong in my body how that will help me in relationship to others. 

I am glad you are sharing here.