zanzoken's journal

[Armadillo]

 
I got the sense you were writing for yourself to process and didn't want to interfere with that so have been quiet. But i think it is very interesting how you've gone through each symptom like this and I feel like when I have the physical and mentsl space I'd like to do the same.

[zanzoken]

Zan, all of your reflections, but especially the one on the "desire to isolate," resonate with me.  I've been navigating and thinking a lot about this.  I have a solitary nature and I value my solitude.  I can see times where it does cross into isolation and is related to trauma, I suppose.  But I have always felt so judged for wanting to be on my own.  My parents were really hard on me about that too. 

For me, the nuance I am trying to find is balancing the tendency I have to always feel like I have to do things on my own and finding people I genuinely trust to connect with when I am stuck.  I think I tend to isolate when I am feeling the effects of CPTSD and I've found a few people (that is currently 2.5 people) that I can reach out to and process with. 

It's still a process and I often feel like I am on the outside and don't have a place.  I am trying to create my own place and sense of belonging.  I have been wondering if I trust myself and feel I belong in my body how that will help me in relationship to others. 

I am glad you are sharing here.

Thank you for your insights, rainydiary.  I am sorry that others have judged you for wanting time to yourself.  Some of us need a lot, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with it.  My mother commented to me to the other day that even in my early childhood (i.e. prior to when my relational trauma started) I was often content to play by myself.  I think for some of us it's just innate.

Asking others for help is something I have struggled with for as long as I remember.  It's part of my relational trauma that I will likely cover in another entry.  I am one of a circle of three close friends who support each other, but lately the other two have been quite distant and disconnected.  I am trying not to take it personally, and also can't help but wonder if I have done something to cause it.

Your comment about creating your own place and community really speaks to me.  I have been sitting on the feeling for awhile now that if I can't find a place that feels like home to me, then perhaps I will have to set about building it myself. 

I got the sense you were writing for yourself to process and didn't want to interfere with that so have been quiet. But i think it is very interesting how you've gone through each symptom like this and I feel like when I have the physical and mentsl space I'd like to do the same.

Thank you Armadillo.  I am honestly moved at how considerate of a thought you've shared.  I think journaling is beneficial for me whether anyone reads it or not, but I find being able to share it with others is also quite meaningful.  Please feel welcome (but never obligated) to read and/or comment and I will be happy to consider whatever you have to say.

I have found this process of studying my trauma to be difficult, but crucial.  In fact I have heard from no less than three sources this week, independent of each other but all dealing with some aspect of recovery, how important it is.  I expect it will be an ongoing process for the foreseeable future, and right now I feel okay with that.

[Armadillo]

  I know when I pull away and isolate from people it is 99.9% of the time because I am struggling and don't know how to explain it to people and almost never because of something someone else has done. I would tend to think your friends pulling away is the same and hope they reemerge soon and that you get the support you deserve. 

My mom said the same about me as a baby...I would play for hours alone in my crib.

I'll keep reading. 

[zanzoken]

Thank you Armadillo.  I doubt my friends have any acrimony toward me... my feeling is that they are both just focusing on their own lives.

In better news, I have made a lot of strides this past week with regards to treatment.

- I met a nurse practitioner at the health department that I really liked.  I think I am going to use her as my primary care doctor. 
- I had a bunch of blood work done that found some hormone imbalances, so I am working with a clinic to get them fixed. 
- I applied for Medicaid.

I have also started working with three different Ts.

- The first T is a trauma specialist with skills in EMDR and neurofeedback.  She's in private practice and does not accept insurance, so the financial cost is high.  I have met with her twice.
- The second T is from the health department and I've only met with her once, which basically just consisted of me telling her my story.
- I haven't started with the third T yet, but I did an intake with the local mental health nonprofit and they should assign me a counselor within a few weeks.

My plan is to juggle each of these Ts for a little while until I decide which one is the best fit.  I should also have access to a psychiatrist through the nonprofit, although I am not planning to go back on medication at this time.

I feel good about myself that I am choosing to reach out for help.  It feels like I am "on offense" against my condition for the first time in years, as opposed to just trying to survive.

[zanzoken]

I deep cleaned my car today for the first time in quite a while.  As I was clearing out all the compartments, including the glove box which I haven't gone through in years, I was shocked to find an old birthday card that was given to me by my ex. 

Well I say "card" but it's really just a note written on a fancy piece of paper.  I am not sure what year it's from (we were together for three) or why I would've placed it in there.  The handwritten message reads...

You are my sun, my moon, and my stars.  I love you so much and am so happy to have watched you pass another year on this planet.  I hope to watch you pass many more.

The relationship ended almost three years ago, so I've had a lot of time to process it.  In some ways I've been able to move on, and in others it feels like my life has been frozen in time.  The memories still stir many strong emotions.  I miss what it feels like to love someone, and to be loved, even if my RT prevents me from fully experiencing those things. 

I feel very sad now and I can't write anymore tonight.

[Armadillo]

 

Stay centered tonight. We've got you.

[zanzoken]

Thank you Armadillo.  I am still hurting today, but I am managing as best I can. 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Snowdrop]

I hear your pain. Sending hugs if they are welcome.

[zanzoken]

Thank you Snowdrop... I appreciate it 

[Jazzy]

Zanzoken,

I am very moved by your most recent entry about finding the card. I see your progress along your healing journey as evidenced by you cleaning your car for the fist time in a while. I also see that healing is difficult, as it stirs up pain and memories.

It is wonderful that this community, including myself, are here to support you through this as best we can.

I'm sorry you are still hurting, but I'm very glad that you are not only still managing, but expressing positivity as well.   

[zanzoken]

Thank you Jazzy for your kind words.  I am grateful for you and everyone else here. <3

[zanzoken]

Today has been interesting.  I woke up feeling highly depressed and out of it, and it took me a couple of hours to get going.

I finished a 5-hour podcast that I had started a couple of days ago, featuring a woman who is a PTSD survivor (due to experiences in war / combat).  I find it difficult to learn about other people's trauma stories, but doing so seems to help me better understand my own.  The person I was listening to credits plant-based therapies (cannabis and psychedelics) with helping her make huge strides in her recovery. 

When she talked about her deep spiritual experience with ayahuasca, I was able to cry a little.  I am also beginning to notice that there is a tremendous amount of tension in my body, emanating from my core.  I suspect I have been like this for so long that I've mostly forgotten what it feels like to not be on edge.

Despite this anxiety, my mood is better this afternoon, bordering on good.  To whoever may be reading, I hope your week is off to good start. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you I hope you feel better soon too.

Chemical therapy, including natural ones like plants, has never worked for me but I'm glad it helps some.

I completely agree, we live with trauma for so long we become desensitized to it and we have no idea what we are really going through.

I hope you find some peace and improved mood to help you through your struggles. I'm glad you're feeling better already

[zanzoken]

Thank you Jazzy!

[Hope67]

[
However, I don't think trying to silence the voice is the answer.  I should pause to consider where it comes from and why it persists.  Again, I am failing to find the words I want, which gives rise to anger.  But I accept that today, this is the best I can do.

Hi Zanzoken,
I was reading this in your journal, and thought your words were very wise in your response to the voice - pausing to consider where it comes from and why it persists.  I just wanted to say that.

I also have had the dream you mentioned earlier in your journal - where the teeth all fall out - and whilst I don't understand the reason for the dream, I can remember it vividly.

The 5-hour podcast you listened to sounds interesting, but I imagine it was also tiring to process so many things listening to the PTSD survivor's experiences in war and combat.   

Anyway, I related to things you said in your journal, and wanted to come over and say that.
Hope