zanzoken's journal

[zanzoken]

Hope, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my journal.  It means a lot to me!  I will try to return the favor soon.

[Jazzy]

Wow! I have not read the details of the situation, but the quote Hope has listed is extremely impressive.

That's excellent Zanzoken; I completely agree that listening and accepting the voice is the correct choice!

[zanzoken]

Thanks Jazzy!   

[Jazzy]

  

[zanzoken]

I haven't felt much like journaling lately but I feel I need to try.

My sleep is out of sync again so I'm staying up til 5am and not waking up until the afternoon.  Headaches almost daily for the past week.  Moods are so-so, at least by my standards (meaning I don't feel good, but it's manageable).  My memory feels very hazy.

I am trying to stay active in my recovery and at least do something positive every day.  Today I listened to part of a podcast, ate some healthy food, cleaned up around the house, and spent time sitting outside by the pool in the sunshine.  It didn't help me to feel better but I'm glad I tried.

I had something of a difficult conversation with my mother a few days ago, and something I just read reminded me of it.  I didn't live with her from ages 13 to 18 and she was largely absent from my life during that time.  This coincided with the worst abuse I endured from my father.

The topic of our conversation moved to why she never attempted to intervene and protect me from him.  I wasn't trying to confront her about it, but it's a fair question, and she really had no answer.  I want to be kind to her, and say that she didn't understand what was going on, but I don't think that's accurate.  I think the truth is, she just accepted that her children were gone and moved on with her life.  I am sure it was extremely painful for her, and I'm glad that she found a new husband and a new path for her life to take.  But I can sense that losing her prematurely left a wound on me.

I should talk to my T about it when I go in this week.

[Armee]

That seems like it was be a huge huge wound, Zanzoken. I'm sorry that you were abused by your dad and effectively abandoned and neglected by your mom. I think bringing it up in therapy would probably be helpful when you are ready. 

I'm also proud of you for doing some things to feel better...even if it didn't work this time.

[zanzoken]

Thank you Armee for your kindness.  I am glad to see you back on the forum.

I woke up really struggling today and had to drag myself to therapy.  I slept until right before the appointment so my T got to see me in rare unaltered form.  I had no time to put on my "mask" and pretend to be normal.

We covered a lot but when we reached the part about my mother, I got a sudden rush of emotions and wanted to cry.  Not just a little, but big time.  This rarely happens (it's been many months since the last time) but I held it in.  I wish in hindsight that I had allowed myself to.  I guess I didn't realize I was still holding on to so much pain with regards to my mother.

[BeeKeeper]

zanzoken,

But I can sense that losing her prematurely left a wound on me.

Yes, it did. Adolescence interrupted by separation is life altering. I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize I was still holding on to so much pain with regards to my mother.

You're the only one who can determine when you feel safe enough to really cry. Sensing it, then integrating it is what we are doing here. 

[zanzoken]

Thank you, BeeKeeper.  I appreciate the kind words and I will think about what you've said. 

[zanzoken]

Yesterday ended up being one of the rougher days I've had in a long time.  Thankfully today I feel better.

I happened to speak with a few former colleagues from my old career over the last couple of days, and those conversations were affirming.  None of them are people I would consider close friends, but when I shared that I was dealing with mental health issues they were all very kind and sympathetic.  It helped relieve some of the anxiety I feel about being out of work. 

I have a fear that even if I am able to heal from my trauma and become well enough to return to my career, that no one will want me.  Part of me feels shame at the time I've spent not working, but then another part sees it as an opportunity to create a comeback story that could inspire people and raise awareness about RT and CPTSD.  I have a long way to go before I get there, though. 

Thinking about that reminds me that I want to be mindful about how much time I allow myself to spend thinking about the future (or the past).  It's very easy for me to drift off and not be present in the here and now, and that's something I'd like to start to change.

[Hope67]

Hi Zanoken,
I'm glad that your conversations with those former colleagues were affirming. 
Sending you a hug if that's ok 
Hope 

[Armee]

 

I have a feeling that when you have healed enough you'll find meaningful work again. But I understand those feelings of shame and they are hard.

I'm sorry yesterday was tough. That must have taken a lot to have such vulnerable conversations with old coworkers.

[zanzoken]

Hope, thank you for your support.  I accept your hug and send you one back in return.    I hope you are well today.

Armee, thank you once again for your continued kindness.  I did a small yoga exercise today and I thought of you.  I hope you are well today. 

I am putting your names in green because it is my favorite color.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realize it has been almost a week since I last journaled.  I suppose now is the first time I've felt I had the emotional space to do so.

I did therapy yesterday and I talked with my T some more about the origins of my trauma story.  This is my first time in many years telling it to someone new, and I feel it has given me a renewed understanding of how bad what I went through must have been.  My T seemed genuinely sad to hear the story, which makes me feel like it's okay to feel sad about it too.  My heart hurts for the child version of myself, who at 11 years old had so much taken away.

I keep seeing the word "integration" pop up in various places.  The book I'm reading says integrating trauma is a key aspect of healing.  The research I'm doing on psychedelic medicine also emphasizes that integrating what we learn on psychedelic journeys is a vital part of the experience.  I like this word and want to continue exploring what it means.

[Armee]

 

Thanks for reminding me to do yoga. Tonight I will because of this.

I'm glad you've been able to tell your T and her response was helpful to you. It's really mmm I don't know what word to use....validating, touching, affirming....to see our stories reflected in someone's reactions to what we share. We become very numb to our own stories and getting that feedback helps process I think.

I wonder how you're feeling now? Sometimes my reaction changes dramatically day to day after something like that. 

[Libby183]

The word 'integration' does seem very important.

I wasn't entirely sure about what it entailed, but I think that my course of EMDR probably achieved it. At the time, it didn't feel like it, but over the next few months something seemed to change.

So, despite the fact that my trauma started at birth, and was intensified over the next few years, so the treatment was based on what I was told, and family stories, it had a positive effect.

Now, I can just accept it. It's an odd change and hard to put into words, but I wonder if this is an example of integration.