zanzoken's journal

[Alter-eg0]

Yeah, it makes sense huh That concept of "integration" being the key factor in healing. Considering trauma is processed/stored in a fragmented way, integration is probably the best way to put it. Like finding all those puzzle pieces that have been scattered throughout your body and mind, and putting them back together. 

[zanzoken]

Armee, it makes me feel good to know that I helped inspire you to do yoga!  I hope it went well.  I am experimenting with it too and recently heard about a form called "yoga nidra" that I want to try.

Libby, I appreciate you sharing your experiences with EMDR.  I recently started doing EMDR therapy myself and I'm struggling a bit with the fact that I don't understand how it works.  I am glad to hear it was beneficial for you though.

Alter-eg0, I like your analogy about the puzzle pieces.  I recall reading about how traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains, although I feel as though I have more to learn in that area before I've fully grasped it.

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How do I feel today?  Pretty good, actually.  My circumstances haven't changed, but something is changing in me because I am finding the strength to fight for control over my life again.

I listened to a podcast today about how our nervous system works, and it validated a lot of conclusions that I had already reached on my own.  Our brains are shaped by experience, and if our experiences are traumatic, then our brain will develop in certain ways in response (many of them damaging).

It may sound trivial, but it's taken me 15 years to get here.  To get to where I am at least beginning to understand what is wrong and why I am the way I am. 

TW:  Powerful emotions (anger most of all)

A lot of intense emotions stirring now. 
Sadness at years of my life lost to suffering. 
Anger, white hot boiling anger, at the people who do this to me. 
Sadness again, wondering how much better off I would be in life if it had never happened.
Acceptance is the key.  I can still have everything I have ever wanted.  Just need to continue this work.  Healing is possible.
Emotions firing back up again.  Need time to cycle through.

I need to go now.  This has been good though.  I wish with all my heart that you are all well today, and every day. 

[BeeKeeper]

zanzoken

NOT TRIVIAL:

It may sound trivial, but it's taken me 15 years to get here.

That fact indicates a serious commitment to your well being and self love.

Cycling through the anger and sadness is so difficult. You're not alone. I wish you a peaceful day. 

[Armee]

Acceptance is the key, for sure. My opinion...may not be right... utbthe sadness and white hit anger are, as well. Those things need their voice, too. 

Yoga nidra is great once you can tolerate feeling relaxed. I know that sounds weird but I don't think its unusual to feel a sense of panic doing relaxation techniques. But I actually do yoga nidra every night with my 9 year old at her bedtime. She's very fidgety and difficult to put to sleep.

Good work, Zanzoken.

[Hope67]

How do I feel today?  Pretty good, actually.  My circumstances haven't changed, but something is changing in me because I am finding the strength to fight for control over my life again.

Hi Zanzoken,
I think that's great 

I really liked what you said about 'Emotions firing back up again.  Need time to cycle through' - that really makes sense, and I relate to that very much.

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[zanzoken]

BeeKeeper, thank you for your kind words and for sending me a hug.  The one commitment I can say I've kept to myself is not giving up.  I spent years in denial of my problems, and years more failing to understand them, but I have persevered.  Now I have a huge mountain to climb, but I feel so full of hope knowing it's the right mountain.  Isn't that so much better than being lost and wandering aimlessly in the wilderness?

Armee, thank you for your support.  I agree completely with what you said about emotions needing their voice.  I am imagining a continuum where on one extreme our emotions are silenced, and on the other, they are all-consuming.  I believe the right approach is to strike a balance between the two... allowing myself to feel what I feel, while retaining my sense of agency.  I also appreciate you sharing the bit about doing yoga nidra with your child.  That must be so fulfilling and nurturing for you both... an incredible gift.

Hope, thank you for your kindness and for sending a hug.  Part of the reason I feel more comfortable sitting with my feelings is from reading your journal, and learning about how you sit with yours.  You have had a positive influence on me.

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I had another good day today.  Feeling inspired and optimistic.  A familiar internal voice has emerged in response, its tone bitter and sarcastic.

Don't get your hopes up.
You know you can't maintain this.  Sooner or later it will all come crashing down.

I hear you, critic.  You are not very nice, but I know you're just trying to spare us from more pain and suffering.  The truth is, though, that I can maintain this.  It's just going to require a lot of courage, wisdom, and hard work.  And I am okay with that.

I am listening to a series of podcasts about sleep and regulating circadian rhythms.  I have always had a difficult time falling asleep and waking up on a normal schedule, which upsets my moods and is highly detrimental to my wellness.  But this explains how to fix it, using tools derived from biology and scientific research.  I am looking forward to putting them in action so that I can hopefully get myself back on a more desirable cadence.

I also did my first yoga nidra exercise today, and loved it!  I think I have developed a mild level of proficiency at putting my mind into a relaxed state, due to experimenting with yoga and meditation off and on over the past year.  As the meditation moved through my body, I imagined each part being cleansed with a healing ball of light.  I was able to relax to an extent that my body almost felt like it was floating.  I feel like I have discovered a powerful tool that will only get more useful with continued practice.

Wishing you all the best for today and every day.

[CactusFlower]

Congrats on enjoying that first yoga exercise! it sounds lovely the way you described it. And any mountain can be climbed if we take small enough steps to keep going.  HUG