Not knowing basic hygiene/grooming (vent)

[goblinchild]

I'm just sitting here, not doing what I needed to do today because something about getting ready triggered me into a massive flashback AGAIN. (second time in three days)

I'm so so angry. All I can do is sit very still and stare at the wall and remember to breathe, I'm so angry. Idk if I'm angry at myself, or at the situation but it's unbearable and I have no idea what to do! I don't even want to fix it. I've spent my adult life learning how to do basic things and I still can't pass for clean, normal and put-together sometimes.  I've only started passing a little in the past year. I still can't even just simply get ready in the morning sometimes. It's just an unending spiral of trying to make myself normal and never being even basic amounts of acceptable so where am I supposed to keep getting the drive to learn and do better?

If it were just my parents not teaching me things then I should be able to fix it by learning to do hygiene and grooming. But precious little comes naturally and I mess up all the time. I just feel like I can't fit in with the world and I have no place out there.

On some level I understand that having messy hair I don't know how to deal with and having flashbacks are two different things? I guess people have bad hair days all the time and don't feel anything like the way I'm feeling right now. It's not the messy hair it's the being set up for failure and the rejection and the trying so very hard and never being good enough. It's the dissociative episodes making it worse. It's the public shame.

[Armadillo]

 

You're not alone and I understand. And it sucks. I have to confess to anyone who cuts my hair that they have to cut it to not need styling or blow drying because I cannot figure out how to do that. Trying to figure out how to get my eyebrows to even remotely match each other? Lotion? Nails? Huh?

[rainydiary]

goblinchild, Your post resonates with me too.  I have appearance related difficulties I battle against each day.  As I navigate this, I realize how important it is to listen to myself and what feels right for me even if others might question it (much easier said than done).  I also notice that society also makes this a lot worse and presents us with messaging that we are not *enter whatever word* enough. 

That is a lot of stuff to manage and deal with.  I appreciate how hard you are working and I hope that you find some things that work for you and help you feel supported. 

[Blueberry]

On some level I understand that having messy hair I don't know how to deal with and having flashbacks are two different things? I guess people have bad hair days all the time and don't feel anything like the way I'm feeling right now. It's not the messy hair it's the being set up for failure and the rejection and the trying so very hard and never being good enough. It's the dissociative episodes making it worse. It's the public shame.

I'm sorry you weren't taught these basics growing up and now get these awful flashbacks. If it feels helpful, here's a gentle  (if not, ignore). I often feel very exhausted in the morning. And/or I simply don't want to get up. Some of that is certainly to do with the whole getting ready to meet the world. Even though I'm in a country where not every woman wears make-up, heels etc.

Do you get shame publicly? Or were you shamed in childhood? I was shamed by FOO so it felt like the whole wide world was shaming me, but actually it was mostly FOO.

It may seem like little comfort, but you certainly have a place on here with us at OOTS. I hope you can feel some support from us.

[johnram]

I felt this deeply
due to covid i often dont leave the house, given i Work from home
i shower much less, dont brush my teeth and have thrown much hygiene out the window
however, i let it be, as i have enough trauma to get through, and these things were never normalised for me, no one cared
i know i should, but the stack is hard enough

love to all of you struggling, and screw our parents for not caring for us to teach us these basics

[Bach]

Oh do I hear this.  I've been struggling for years to teach myself grooming and hygiene.  I'm extremely challenged in those areas because I have childhood trauma associated with bathing and hair-brushing.  I have a lot of shame and frustration over still not having worked out how to take basic care of myself at my age.

[goblinchild]

I made this topic 4 months ago and I wanted to say because you guys could relate, it's gotten a little bit better since then.

I got a haircut and have a hair routine now. I have like, everyday hair products. I use mouse now, isn't that weird? Lol. In a good way.

I'm trying to fall into a shower-and-then-choose-clothes routine. I have one of those bathrobes now, which also feels weird. And actually buying decent clothing basics has been helpful. Ones that are convenient to wear and make outfits with. The process already stresses me the heck out, I don't need to bother with clothes that are difficult to make into outfits, or clothes that make me feel self-conscious, you know?

I have hairstyles for days where my hair is a little greasy, which is apparently a normal thing people have. I've never had go-to hairstyles like that, and now I have like...3 whole hairstyles just for greasy hair days and a hat.

I still get frustrated and feel this way all the time but in retrospect it is getting better. Little by little.

[Not Alone]

I celebrate your process, going little by little, and your successes.

[Blueberry]

Congratulations on your progress, goblinchild! Those steps you've been taking? - For me, they would be huuuge steps. 

[johnram]

I was just thinking about this again, its such a good point in many ways for me.  I have parts in me that say "it wasnt that bad", "they still loved you", "you are making some parts up"....etc

But then i look at my self care, and then think back to childhood where:

- i was often the first one awake at home, and went to school with no breakfast for all my years until i was 13 and i started giving myself breakfast
- unless i go to work, i dont really wash or do self care
- my sleep timings for years were allover the place (now i am good at 10pm)
- my eating habits were terrible / i had a food addiction (gorged on sweets)

these things, tell me there wasnt any guidance, or advice or help.....thats neglect.  I sometimes focus on the big trauma,s but this neglect is more damaging, running with the stream of abandonment in childhood and in turn the childs abandonment of the selfs needs, as thats what we were taught

sorry for ramble, but i think i am speaking inside myself as i write this, as there are parts still hoping for a loving FOO, but love is action, love is meeting a childs needs, as a child is all need.  Love is not saying a few words when convenient, love is action, love is protection, love is safety and care.......