[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

Yesterday morning, I had a particularly interesting experience at the grocery store.

While I was closely examining the herbs to find some good dill to buy, a woman came and stood beside me. I noticed she was about my age, perhaps a bit younger, and very good looking. I was uncomfortable with how close she stood.

Objectively, she was not standing too close, but with the plague, my personal history, and how beautiful and confident she was, I felt uncomfortable. Because I was uncomfortable with her proximity, I paid close attention to her, while trying to focus on the dill, or at least make it look that way.

She was looking at peeled, bagged garlic. Her body language made it absolutely clear she did not want that garlic, yet she stood there for a significant amount of time considering it. After a very long 45 seconds or so, I grabbed the nearest bunch of dill. It was all recently put out, and in very good condition. It didn't really matter which bundle I grabbed. I was taking so much time because of her.

As I stepped back from the herb counter, so did she, though not as drastically. Noticing she was sub-consciously following my lead, I could not leave without saying something. Her body language was screaming for help.

I looked at her, forced myself to smile gently, and did my best to politely yet firmly ask "Would you like a suggestion?" She seemed to not be expecting this, despite all of the physical indications it is what she was looking for. After about 10 seconds, during which I patiently stood waiting for a reply, she guardedly said "sure", though with some confidence.

I said that I would buy the garlic in the jar. It tastes better because though it is already cut, it is stored in water, which helps hold the flavour, which then she (I was careful to say "you" to her) can bring out with some salt.

She was very happy with my advice, notably relaxing and happily explaining that she usually buys the garlic in the jar. She did not say directly, but I understood that she was considering the peeled bagged garlic, because she did not know where to find the jarred garlic.

I agreeably explained that the jarred garlic was likely out on the shelves in another part of the store, as jarred goods are not usually with the fresh produce. I clearly said that I did not know for sure, as I did not work there, but that I was speaking based on my experience.

I hoped she would understand the best option was to ask a store employee for help. However I was already past my limit speaking so confidently to a beautiful young woman, so I smiled and politely turned and walked far away during this pause in the conversation.

Later, when I was re-arranging the weight distribution in my bags outside, I saw her going through the checkout. She was not directly in front of me, but quite close, only off to the side a bit. While I tried not to stare, I was quite interested in her.

I noticed with some disappointment that she had the bagged garlic she did not want. While I was balancing my bags, yet still watching her, she asked the cashier something, then quickly walked off, like she was going to get something she had forgotten.

I am not sure, but I like to think that because I was paying attention to her, along with my previous interaction with her, she asked about the jarred garlic and went to get some. I don't know why, but she clearly finds it very difficult to ask for help. I expect the cashier was warm and friendly, at least enough so that the woman felt confident to leave all of her groceries in the middle of the transaction to go find what she needed.

My take away from this experience is that those subtle cues, like the ones I have mentioned here about her body language, are extremely important. Using these cues as guidance, I have opportunities to gently yet powerfully influence the lives of others, no matter how intimidating it feels.

Right now I am in bad shape in many ways, yet because of the way I acted, I had an influence on this woman who is clearly in much better condition than I am. This point is especially important to me, as it is so easy to feel defeated by my disabilities.

It has not been easy, but recently I have been writing more that I am happy about all my suffering. Happy is not the correct word, but it is the best one I know right now. I believe that I am a much better person, in many ways, now than I ever would have been without such suffering.

While the suffering is not appreciated, I am glad to be turning it in to so much positivity for my life now.

[Jazzy]

This morning on my spine-straightening walk I wanted to listen to my angry, workout music, so I did. I was hesitant to play such music in public at first, even with earbuds. However I pushed through this to enjoy myself.

Mid way through the second song, I noted that I felt happy. I realized that for the first time I was not listening to the songs because I was angry and hurt, but purely for the powerful encouraging lyrics and energetic music. This is a critical indication of the healing I went through yesterday.

Despite what anyone else may think, those lyrics are extremely powerful, encouraging, and helpful to me. I am confident they helped me find the power to stay alive through my worst. I am glad that I still find them positive to this day.

[CactusFlower]

Jazzy, that was so kind and courageous of you to help at the store! It was brave to make that first step there. Who knows, she might have thought you were a chef! I totally understand being shy to the point of finding it hard to ask someone who works in a store for things. (I also agree with you about the jarred garlic. It gets stronger as it sits, too. And my store has the jars in shelves under the bins of bulk nuts, for some reason.) I'd like to think she finally was able to actually ask, as well.

I also resonate about the music. When I was younger (oh, this will date me), I listened to Alannis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill after a bad breakup. Most people think her stuff back then was mostly depressive as heck, but I took some of the songs as "Bite me, I'm still here, I win" kind of thing and they helped. LOL And if your music helps you, that's all that matters. Good on you for listening to it when you needed it.  

[woodsgnome]

Wow -- that's interesting, Jazzy. It shows, at least to this outsider, that your inner self seems to at least sometimes adjust any expectations (which can be so misleading; but also powerful).

I knew someone else for whom that apparent contradiction worked. She always preferred certain genres of music but every once in a while would insert an artist known for an almost opposite sort of music. At the least, it seemed to give her pause -- like "why do I listen to this" -- to realizing, after the fact, she all of a sudden felt better. What she avoided was making that a habit; if the aftereffect happened, so be it; if not, so be it.

Many habits lead only to addiction to the positive outcome, which might really not always pan out that way. I guess what it might indicate is a dangerous tendency on the one side while also showing that life post-cptsd can have room for these rare moments of non-expectant bliss.

The best part is recognizing your capacity for this in your life; how turning something that originated in 'anger' into a whole other mode of being. Being = Self. Many of us fail to notice that we have this ability, it's so hidden behind all the pressures we've already dealt with.

So hats off to you, Jazzy 

[Jazzy]

Thank you, Sage!

I wondered if she thought I may be a chef too. It helps that my brother is one, as I have learned many things from him.

I see this as a missed opportunity to ask her if she would like to have more conversations like this in the future. I need to take more affirmative action to build friendships in my life. I am not quite ready yet, but I am getting there one small step at a time.

Thanks for your understanding and for sharing your experience. I appreciate your positivity as well.

I notice that you are concerned about your age, or as you put it "dating yourself". I understand this, but I am not concerned about your age. There is much more to you, and all of us, than how many years we have been alive.

Music is very powerful, and as you note, it means different things to different people. I like the positivity you found in the "depressing" songs and how they help you. That is very impressive to me.

You're right! What matters is that the music helps me. Thank you for your positive affirmations and confirmation.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Thank you for your post, Woodsgnome

I appreciate the insight and wisdom in your words. Being able to adjust internally is very important to me. You are correct. It is powerful and power is dangerous.

I find it very interesting what you have  written about this person. While I need to think on it further, I like their actions very much.

This is a complex topic! I appreciate the point the points you have made; I believe there are more as well.

To me it is about learning. Being able to change my reactions is based on me updating my reality, or my Self, to accurately reflect changes and other things that have brought a newness in to my life.

This newness, especially as an adult, it's very encouraging to me. I hope to see more of it in my life, as well as the lives of others.

Thank you for your encouragement and respect. These things are crucially important to me, So I appreciate them very much.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

I'm hurting so much today. I'm also not hurting that much. It is just under the point where it becomes too much, so my bodies switches to survival mode in order to tolerate it better.

No doubt the emotions of yesterday are taking their toll. I also neglected myself somewhat in caring for Blueberry.

I've put a lot of effort into taking care of myself today, mostly by relaxing physically, which is challenging mentally.

I'm looking forward to being in less pain tomorrow, or at least being in pain less often.

[Jazzy]

I realize I have not been posting in your journal lately. I’m sorry if this makes you feel hurt or neglected, this is not my intention.

I’ve been focused on myself, in an effort to heal and grow. I still have many things to work through. I am doing my best to work through them at a manageable pace which does not hurt me too much.

It will be some time before I am able to post in journals again, as I did before. In the meantime, I encourage you to send me a message if there is anything you would like to talk about, no matter how trivial it may seem.

If you’re uncomfortable with a private message, you may write to me here in my journal.

Thank you for your understanding, consideration, and support.

<3 Jazzy

--

Addendum for clarity: This is an open letter to anyone who feels it applies to them.

[Armadillo]

Hey I'm sorry you are hurting today and taking time to recover from yesterday seems very wise. It was an emotionally intense experience.

I thought it was very kind of you to offer help to the young woman in the store. I think you probably kept it at a safe and respectful level for her! Good job! I would have been on guard with a stranger having opinions about my garlic purchase! The fact she responded kindly probably means you managed just the right level of engagement. Keep it up!

[Jazzy]

Thank you for your warm and encouraging words, Armadillo 

I appreciate your confident encouragement and positive feedback! "Just the right level" is high praise. 

[Jazzy]

[TW: Animal Abuse]

--

I am exceedingly happy and proud to share that Tiger drank some silk (almond milk) today!

This is a huge accomplishment for her, because she was violently and physically abused by her previous owner for eating "human food". Given how rarely she eats human food with me, I expect she was starved, then abused just for trying to survive.

Setting aside my thoughts and feelings of her past abuse, I am glad she is in a much better place now, because I have healed enough to show her more love.

[CactusFlower]

  Awww, good for sweet Tiger! And so pretty!

I'm not going to say much because people who abuse animals anger me beyond belief. But I am so glad she's with someone who can care for her properly. She may, like us, have long-term issues, but this is a good step.

Side note: My fur kids get the juice from cans of tuna on their birthdays and Christmas. Silly, I know, but they like it and it's not too often to be unhealthy. Here, my Pumpkin is a tortoiseshell too! (partially, and part Siamese)

[Jazzy]

Thank you for your positive reply on this especially difficult topic, Sage.

I know what you mean about the anger. I am being very careful to keep myself numb and disconnected from it. As much willpower as I have, it is not enough to control myself if I were to embrace my anger on this topic. It would be very bad for me, as well as the previous owner, if I am not careful to stay away from those feelings.

Thanks for sharing about the Tuna. I have a couple of cans in the drawer for them for special occasions too. I'm not sure what or how much is best to feed them. I think it's not unhealthy, but lacking essential nutrients for them... so it's best as a treat, not a meal. I only know what I read though, at least about cats and tuna.

I'll try giving them some tuna water/juice more often. They certain deserve healthy-ish treats in their life!

Pumpkin sounds beautiful! I wish I could see her one day. I'm glad you have her in your life.

[Jazzy]

This evening I am feeling very peaceful. The only slight annoyance is that I wish I were asleep, but I understand that I am not tired.

While lying in bed, a thought crossed my mind. It was a fear that when I come under more pressure from outside forces (like an employer), life may go back to the way it was, specifically with me living in survival mode, as I have done constantly since I was 3 years old.

This fear, based on doubt, was gentle, yet in that gentleness it was extremely powerful. Doubt seems to be the opposite of hope. Both start out as gentle as a whisper, yet become as powerful as a hurricane.

After recognizing, accepting, then pondering this doubt I realized that no one can take this peace from me, unless I let them. I have found this peace inside of me, with the help of others, despite the raging storm of my life.

I chuckled at that doubt, then I chuckled more heartily. It is very natural to feel that doubt, and I understand why I did. However it is no longer helpful to me, as I now have the tools I need to keep my mindset healthy, without fear.

While doubt can be an important warning, it is also weakness. As I wrote the other day, no more weak *!

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing this experience and hope you were able to get some sleep.