[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

Thank you Rainydiary, I have slept well, thanks to the peace I felt. 

[CactusFlower]

Doubt seems to be the opposite of hope. Both start out as gentle as a whisper, yet become as powerful as a hurricane.

I'm glad you found some peace, that's to be treasured!  And that? Beautiful imagery.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Sage, your words mean so much to me; especially the compliment. 

[Jazzy]

I'm listening to my workout music as I get ready for bed. This music helps me process my anger, which right now I am feel over the way RainyDiary is being treated. Recently I have been appreciating certain songs more, and others less.

This song in particular stands out to me because it is so powerful and encouraging, not angry. It is called Hollow Ground.

While words alone do not do justice to the emotional impact this song has, they are certainly powerful in their own right:


From nothing we have risen and from nothing we still rise

Oooh!
Take your life back
(Fight, fight)
Will you fight to take your life back?

Ask yourself what's truly yours in life
Are you in control or someone's slave?
All that you cherish, all that you love
In the blink of an eye can be taken from you
In moments of tragedy we bond
And in weakness clarity thrives
I've been blessed with the inspiration
To take what little I have and always strive

Sometimes surviving is all that you can do
I never claimed to have all the answers or the solutions
My satisfaction is knowing, that my desires will not be killed
With a readiness to defend what is mine and never compromise

The foundation of our lives
Built on hollow ground
We must unlearn the prejudice
We must unlearn the lies


I've seen the calloused
I know the jaded
I've been disheartened and I've lost control
But I never crumbled in the face of adversity
And I always force myself to believe

The foundation of our lives
Built on hollow ground
We must unlearn the prejudice
We must unlearn the lies

Are you willing to fight?
Are you willing?

Oooh!
Take your life back
(Fight, fight)
Will you fight to take your life back?

[Jazzy]

I'm realizing that while strength is certainly powerful, strength and power are different things. This distinction is very important.

My recent experience with Blueberry the bird has taught me that there is far more power in supporting others than there is in "trying to fix" them.  While I have always known this logically, and been told many different ways about how important things like self agency and making choices for one's self are, I did not truly understand this until I had that experience.

Now I choose to support others, not because I "know" that it's better, but because I have experience seeing how powerful that course of action is.

[Jazzy]

My experience with Blueberry the bird is still on my mind, because it was so incredibly healing and enlightening for me. I tore down so many barriers and overcame my worst trauma.

As Blueberry lived longer for some peace and love due to my support, I healed and learned because of the support of a friend. Despite everything this person is going through, and how challenging it was for them, they made me a priority. This is the power of support I spoke of in my last message.

Furthermore, the first therapist I ever went to see told me that I likely had PTSD, and that I needed a new mother, but she couldn't get me one. This left me feeling hopeless; it's no wonder I didn't go back very often and it took another 15 years for me to accept the trauma in my life.

Through supporting me in my childhood experience (as an adult), this friend acted as the mother figure I so desperately needed. I am extremely impressed that they succeeded where a professional therapist failed. I am, and will forever be, exceedingly grateful for their support at such a difficult time. It has empowered me to make tremendous improvement in my life, which I have done, and continue to do.

I would love to name this person in order to give them proper credit, but I feel they are not comfortable with that. I hope in the future that they will tell me they are happy to receive the credit they deserve, at which point I will update this post. <3

[Jazzy]

I wrote in another thread that I thought I was "good enough" in the past. I've improved a lot, yet I still struggle every single day just to hold my back and head straight, never mind do house work or "a job". It's amazing just how strongly we have been taught we don't matter. I'd like to be more angry about this, but it's not safe yet.

[Armadillo]

That's really sweet, Jazzy. I'm so happy you received the support you needed from a friend and from your sis.

I'm interested in your experience with the therapist and why you ran away so quickly at her comment. To me, she was saying she can't chang the cards you were dealt but she can help you build up from here to have the life you deserve, minus the part of having a decent mom.

I'll also just tentatively put out there and I'm curious other's thoughts too...but I have had to give my therapist plenty of benefit of the doubt multiple times. No one is perfect especially dealing with clients with trauma. I've had to be hurt, confused, and had a couple situations massively mishandled. In the end I trusted him and the help he was giving to work through those issues. But it isn't smooth sailing 100% of the time. I think what helped me was he had helped my son first and I saw what he did and how changed my son was. So I had a huge cushion of trust for issues that came up when we started working together. You gotta feel comfortable with a therapist, Jazzy, but also cut them a little trust to come back and talk through things with them when something hurts or angers you. You can always quit if it is a bad match, but give it a little room to grow. 

I want to see you get the help you deserve.

[Jazzy]

Wow! 

I just threw 3 perfectly good coffee mugs in the garbage, because they trigger me so badly. I'm not used to being triggered because I kept my emotions dead for so long. I don't fully understand why all of those mugs bother me, but I feel strongly about them. I would prefer someone else have them, so I would have given them away under normal circumstances. However in this case they need to be out of my house, right now!

Yay for emotional thawing!

[Not Alone]

  for emotional thawing and  for taking care of yourself by throwing the mugs away.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo.

Your words are wise and I appreciate that you have my best interest in mind, however I am still very resistant to therapy because I have been hurt so badly by it.

The reason I reacted so strongly in this particular situation is because this therapist was also my mother's therapist at the time.... conflict of interest much? That is not acceptable to me.

Furthermore she operated out of my mother's church, which is the last place I'd willingly go. I wrote, though only a little bit, about the religious abuse I've been through in my story. With all of that attached, there is no way this therapist could help me, even if she was perfect.

Me, as an anti-theist, going to my mother's church for therapy should have been a clear sign of how severely I have been wounded, and how much damage it had, and still was, causing me, yet no one noticed. Either that or no one cared enough to do anything about it. That hurts, but not enough.

Thank you for expressing your interest in this Armadillo, as it has given me the opportunity to reflect and write about it.

[Jazzy]

Yay, thank you Notalone!

I really like your cheering! 

[Armadillo]

Well that's relevant info!!!! 

Yeah...that would be quite bad.

[Jazzy]

Yeah!

Sorry you feel spooked, that was not my intention. This is certainly not an easy topic though, which is why I left out a lot of details from my original post. I hope you don't infer anything in my writing about your own situation, as they are not the same.

[Jazzy]

Wow! 

I just removed the song "Sick Like Me" from my favourites list, as I don't really connect with it anymore. What's going on today?! It's great, but it's a lot.