[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

Contrast is powerful. The opposites bring out the extremities of each other.  Like music (audible) or photography (visual), mental and physical contrast is important too. The efforts of healing are much more powerful when contrast with rest. Stress and trauma are so difficult to heal from because they deny us the ability to rest, therefore denying us the power of contrast.

[Jazzy]

I just ordered myself a beginner's keyboard so I can spend more time learning to play music that isn't so damaging to me. The guitar just is not good for the condition my spine is in.

This was very difficult for me to do, for many reasons. One of the things I thought about is how when money is tight, choices must be made, so some things must be left out, at least temporarily. Surely food is more important than music, though I'm honestly not sure by how much.

Then I realized my parents didn't even feed me properly. What was going on with the money?! I know things were tough for my parents, but I have a very nice little apartment which I found for significantly below average cost, I feed my cats well, and myself decently too, much better than I was taught. I always have something to drink besides water.

Okay, I just figured it out, and now I'm really pissed off. Their * church took our money! I have always known this at some level, but never fully realized it until just now. Billions of people see religion as a positive role model for their lives, yet they left me neglected, abused, and traumatized, and I'm not the only one they do this to.

No wonder why I've always hated religion so much. That hatred only grows the more I learn.

[Jazzy]

I've been thinking about feedback for this CPTSD survey, and better ways to give it. I have noted a few things which I will share, though I'm not sure exactly how yet.

Recently I have been writing a lot about how embracing painful truth leads to powerful healing. While it seems easy to point out painful truths to others, it is not. However it is easier than wrestling with my own painful truths.

Ignoring my own painful truths is hypocritical and weak, so I do not do that. I say this to show that I understand how difficult it is, because I live through it too.

Here is my painful truth for tonight:

We are the best of the best. We are going through a * that most people cannot even fathom. We are the best because those of us who are not the best, do not remain living under these conditions.

[Jazzy]

I've always been in awe of the fact that Beethoven wrote his best work while being deaf. I had such a tremendous amount of respect for the intellectual capacity (logic mind) it takes to understand music so completely to be able to write such beautiful pieces without ever hearing them.

For the first time in my life, I am now realizing that it was not due to his (logical) intellectual capacity, though I have no doubt this helped, as music is much more emotional and instinctive than it is logical. The power it takes to overcome such a traumatic disability, then to proceed to produce your best creations while disabled, is nothing short of legendary.

This realization has increased the amount of respect I have for him, which I didn't even realize was possible. Ignorance truly does hold us back from so much.

[Jazzy]

I find it extremely interesting how accepting and embracing my painful truth led me to a place of peace where I realized something new, which increased my respect for another.

It is nice to see such positive results in my own life.

[Jazzy]

New note of the highest importance:

Others and things in the world move for you out of respect for your struggles. Do not move for them unless they deserves more respect than you.

[Jazzy]

I just sent the following picture to my family on snapchat.

One of the stickers was of a cat sitting on a laptop keyboard, with my bitmoji being frustrated at this. These are my realizations:

- I used to be in that situation daily
- It hasn't happened in a while
- The reason is because I've shown my cats much more love recently
- My cats were physically standing/laying in my way in their desperate attempt to express their need for more love.
- This neglect is so common that there is a sticker for it on a widely used social media platform

That last point leaves me absolutely heartbroken. 

[Jazzy]

Wow, I was so upset I didn't even post the picture. It is truly amazing to me how something like this overwhelms me, yet it is so calm and gentle compared to the feelings I've felt during my entire life, up until now. No wonder people can't understand what we go through.

[Jazzy]

I had a very interesting social experience today. He woman came and knocked on my door, and explained she used to live in this house 20 years ago. She said she wanted to move back in and ask for contact details for the landlord, as well as a few other questions.

It went very well! She was very respectful, which is the most important thing to me.

At one point you asked me if I was working. It was difficult, but I told her that I was currently on disability due to the fact that I'm recovering from posttraumatic stress disorder. Well she didn't say anything, her body language clearly expressed she felt sympathy and compassion.

I told her that I am a computer science engineer and then I am working to get back to it when I am able. I think this is crucial to end on a hopeful note.

I greatly appreciate her expression of sympathy even though it was not verbal. It was a very long way to emboldening me to speak the truth about my disability.

[Jazzy]

My subconscious mind is processing things as I lay here petting my cat.

Is it going over a potential scenario where I lose my friend who acted as The mother figure I needed to help me process my trauma of my sisters death.

Internally I said: it's OK, (I cannot continue dictating at this point as my voice is broken.)  I'm a fully grown man now, emotionally too.

 

[Jazzy]

The only thing I have ever heard my father properly sing in his beautiful baritone voice is the first line of the song "I Can See Clearly Now".

While I have always liked this song, it has an entirely different impact on my life now that I am no longer living in trauma.

   

[Armadillo]

You've had a lot of insight lately!!! I love that you are getting in touch with your emotions. That's what you asked about on that post awhile back on a separate thread, and you're doing it!

I Can See Clearly Now is a beautiful song with a beautiful message. I'm relieved it doesn't seem to have been tainted too much by the connection with your father. It was the song my husband and I chose for our wedding day. It has lots of good feelings for me. 

[Jazzy]

Wow! I’m overwhelmed that you chose that song for your wedding day!

Your husband must be a wonderful man to have such a powerfully positive impact on your life.

I’m so glad you two have found each other! 

Note: when I say that I’m overwhelmed, it is now only for a brief moment instead of forever. This is how it is supposed to be.

[Jazzy]

I just realized the reason that my cat Lily eats so much human food is that I am happiest when eating, no doubt due to a lifetime of malnourishment and starvation.

When I’m happiest, I am more able to show love. It deeply saddens me that I have unintentionally neglected my cats so much.

However things are much better from now on!

UPDATE: Evidently "malnourishment" is not a word according to some dictionaries including my browser and dictation software. I feel both sad and offended by this.

[Armadillo]

I can see why that would feel offensive, and invalidating for malnourishment to not be in the dictionaries your software is using. Ouch. But you and your body know it exists. Your cat looked very well loved in the pictures you've shared. It looks like you take good care of them.