How do I find emotional acceptance and understanding?

[Jazzy]

I have been through many horrible things, especially in my childhood. While I know and accept this logically, I am completely numb to it, emotionally.

One time I read in the newspaper about a pair of sisters who were kept home from school by their father for religious reasons, like I was. I was triggered and extremely emotional. It took me months to get over it. It is still clear in my mind, so I doubt I am fully over it even now, a number of years later.

While I have written the first release of my own story, and greatly appreciate the feedback I have received, I do not feel those emotions towards myself at all. I focus all of my time and effort in to moving forward and improving my life. While this is certainly helpful, I fear I am missing so out on so much.

I would really like to cry over what I have been through. Not a few tears over the general ideas like I usually do, but actually sob and wail. I feel I have earned that right after the years of overwhelming anguish and torture, yet I find I simply cannot do it.

I am very eager to hear your suggestions on how to improve in this matter. I appreciate any thoughts and feelings you are comfortable sharing.

Thank you in advance.

[woodsgnome]

First, the 'how' of any of this is often hard to comprehend. Plus it probably doesn't unfold the same way for many. It's hard to pinpoint something that will seem 'logical', either. But then the abuse(s) we're responding to mostly had no logic whatsoever -- they were totally non-sensical abuses. Yet we're stuck with the trauma(s).

I also thought I couldn't bring up the emotions I knew were buried deep inside of me. Then at a 5-day intensive workshop a few years ago the dam burst, unexpectedly. The key there is the unexpected nature of my emotional release -- in other words, it was a surprise to me that it happened like it did, yet it did finally take place; and not at all as I had expected it might.

While that one incident was hardly a permanent fix for all my troubles, it did help lots. My point is -- I was totally surprised by it -- my takeaway was to stay open to surprises that may, or may not, come my way in this regard again. I still live in an emotional fog, but I've learned enough since that the old saying "never say never" has at least some validity to it. I had no idea I'd ever release such a flood of emotion as I did on that occasion; yet I did.

Albeit, I continue to have emotional troubles, and still on the releasing side. I've tried a number of other things, some working out better than others, and too lengthy to fully explain here. But at least I know that there was a time when any 'logic' I was aware of went out the window in a way I least expected it to.

Since then, the willingness to be surprised goes right along with accepting the negative origins of my emotional roadblocks. I've often been discouraged that my progress in this regard didn't turn it all around, but I know it did start to turn, at least once. And that remains a key for me -- to be open to the circumstances which might allow this sort of emotional release to happen again, even when I'd least expect it to.

I hope you can start feeling better about this, Jazzy ~~~ 

[Jazzy]

Thank you Woodsgnome!

I deeply appreciate your reply. I see a lot of wisdom in it. I also appreciate you sharing your experience at the workshop. That is an important point.

The key point you make here about allowing emotions to work out without logical interference is 100% on point. I have experienced this myself today. The details are in my journal. Those details will be triggering to many people.

Like you, I wish I could make more progress, faster, yet I have taken a big step today, which I am happy about. I hope things continue to improve for both of us.

I am very happy to see that you specifically replied in this manner. It is very hopeful and encouraging to not only see you post, but to post with such positivity. I would like to see more posts from you, especially like this.  I would like more for you to do what is best for yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me on this difficult topic.
<3 Jazzy

[Kizzie]

I've found I feel when I'm ready or at least getting closer to being able to tolerate pain, fear, grief etc.  For me that involves feeling more connected to safe people (T, H, here), and taking my time. In the past when I tried to go quickly I would get overwhelmed. 

My T talks about respecting/honouring the protective parts of me (eg Inner Critic) that kept me safe as a child and rather than trying to chuck them altogether, instead turning down the volume bit by bit.  It's a work in progress.

We also talk a lot about getting in tune with what my body is trying to tell me - hypo and hyper responses that signal I am getting too close and may go out of my "window of tolerance".  Then I back away so I can feel safe, and the next time we skate a little closer and see how it feels.  Again, it's a work in progress.

Don't know if any of this is helpful but hope there's a nugget or two that resonates 

[Jazzy]

Your reply is very helpful; thank you, Kizzie!

Your point about feeling connected to safe people is correct. I find this particularly important to me right now.

I'm finally at a point in my life where I would benefit from therapy. Unfortunately I don't know a way to work out the details of getting therapy right now. There are also still some things I don't like about therapy. I find a true friend, especially one in person, is even more helpful.

Your point about being in tune with what our bodies tell us is crucial as well. I find that listening closely to my body and subconscious mind is the most powerful thing I can do for myself.

Thank you for your wisdom, empathy, and connection.

<3 Jazzy

[Kizzie]