One breath above bancruptcy and one step from the street

Started by Renaissance, July 14, 2021, 02:01:26 PM

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Renaissance

I apologise in advance this is a trigger warning!!

So, it looks as if my life is beginning to come to a critical point in 6 weeks time. I have been asked to move out of the small house I have been renting at extremely low costs in August. I have money that will last a month at best, and although I have been applying for social housing for the last months the chances of getting lucky are very slim at best,  especially in times of Covid.

Not only that, but I am not yet sure what to make of this. It appears on one hand to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This was very much a recurring nightmare I had over 30 years ago.  where children were throwing stones at me while I was sleeping in a doorway trying to stay warm. On the other hand, it appears this is a part of my path that I have been desperate to avoid, but must walk. Yet, I do not understand why.

I thought I was making progress. And do believe I am in the way I am reacting to this news. But after the last 2 years which have seen me lose relationships. Almost lose my business, then lose my father to Covid, while living in a different country. Then, I am genuinely not sure how much more I can take, considering I have lived in a hyper vigilant state for most of my life.

Of course, I want to avoid taking my life more so because I want to avoid causing PTSD in others, it is bad enough they had to live with mine. But there are times like now where I feel my head cannot bang one more time against this wall.

I am trying to find the energy from somewhere to lean into this challenge, but I am so, so tired.

I have reached out to my T, but that is once a week with a group, and they are the only face-to-face contact I have.

I am not going to do anything stupid, but I am just tired of being one breath from bancruptcy and one step from the streets.

Thank you for listening.


Snowdrop

This sounds so hard, Renaissance. I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad you've reached out to your T. I hope they'll be able to support you.

Sending you a hug of support if that feels safe. :hug:

Jazzy

Renaissance, I'm so sorry.  :hug:

I know how hard this is... it takes so much out of you, especially with the related dreams. However, as you pointed out, you are handling it exceptionally well, which is wonderful! You are absolutely making progress. This tells me you will be able to survive whatever happens. There's always options! When we can't find them ourselves, its important to just keep asking. :)

I don't know where you live, but I would find some more support resources. It really strikes me how you said you only get face to face contact about once a week, because I'm in a similar situation. There are more options here though. There are a lot of places I can go, with mental health professionals and without. So I expect there is something similar there for you to find.

While I fully understand you being tired of being one step away from bankruptcy and the streets, those are not the worst experiences I've ever lived through. From what you write they are a possibility, so you may want to do some research on how to make it easier. There are places to sleep and places to get food here, especially if it is only short term.

I wish you had a loving family who could take you in, but I understand that isn't the reality for most of us. While no  one can replace that, there are others who try to do something similar if you look for them.

I just today learned that a "distress center" is where I'm supposed to call when I feel lonely. Wow! I wish my psychiatrist had told me that 8 years ago when he started seeing him, never mind any of the mental health "professionals" prior to him. I hope you have that or something similar nearby.

If you need someone to talk too because you can't find anyone else, feel free to drop me a message and we'll go from there. :)

<3 Niko

Kizzie

Really sorry to hear this Renaissance.   :hug:   :hug:   :hug:  If you would like a hand searching for social housing/services/supports where you live please PM me (I will not reveal where you live to anyone), I'd be happy to help.   :yes: