Accountability Thread?

[Armee]

Is it OK to start a thread for when we could use a place to keep us accountable/have a place to check in when we accomplish something we are trying to do for our recovery? I thought about using my own journal but thought it might be helpful for others too, to have a place? But I'm not sure if this is helpful or harmful?

I'll start and please chime in if this has the potential to be unhealthy or triggering and I'll delete it.

[Armee]

On the tentative assumption this is ok...I could use a place to be accountable for doing yoga 3 times per week.

My therapist has been recommending yoga for a couple years now. When my PTSD symptoms were at their worst, pre-COVID, I went to a specific class he recommended for a trauma-informed, gentle, mindful yoga and I had the absolute worst trigger in my life and didn't see it coming at all. Even before class started I was curled up on my mat shaking and sobbing. Unrelated but maybe related because I still don't fully understand what happened, my stepdad used to take me to his yoga classes when I was young.

Ok so that brings me to now my therapist is back to reminding me how yoga is a proven treatment for trauma and for getting back into the body. AND being present and not dissociated  is my number 1 goal. I committed to him...even made him shake my hand to lock it in, that I would do yoga, alone, at home, 3 times a week.

I would really appreciate it if I could come here and have a place I can get some high fives and encouragement when I manage to do yoga, and also a place to put down any weird experiences.

I already feel panicky and tearful and now dissociated just writing this. But I want to do this because yoga is not the thing that is scary even if it triggers something, and it will eventually help me with my goals, once I get past this yucky feeling.

Thank you friends.

Also I am open to suggestions for your favorite beginner yoga videos! 

[zanzoken]

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with this, Armee. 

I don't have much experience with yoga but I would be happy to keep an eye on this thread and help offer the support you're looking for. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you opening up this discussion. 

I've completed some yoga teacher trainings and it has helped me understand yoga a bit more.  I'm sorry to hear about the difficult memories associated with yoga.  There are harmful elements to the way yoga is practiced and used unfortunately.

It has helped me to know that yoga is more than the poses (called asana).  There are 8 limbs of yoga and the poses are one part.  Yoga as it was developed in India is a lifestyle practice which we haven't done a great job of carrying over in our Western world. 

The eight limbs are:

Yama (codes that help guide us in relationship to others)

Niyama (codes that guide us in relationship to ourselves)

Asana (poses, what we most often think yoga is in the West)

Pranayama (breath)

Pratyahara (monitoring our sensory input while not necessarily reacting to it)

Dharna (concentrating on a single thing with the intention of stilling the mind)

Dhyana (meditation)

Samadhi (the ultimate goal of yoga, union)

I personally have found great healing in yoga poses.  As I have learned more about all the parts of yoga, it has helped me see that almost anything can be yoga.  It has helped me to have options and see it more as a mindset. 

Here are some things I have supportive:

1. Trust myself and listen to myself - if I am doing an asana practice, I don't have to do the poses the teacher calls if it doesn't feel right to me

2. I have found it extremely helpful to practice yoga at home using YouTube - I don't feel comfortable in studios or gyms and have let go of feeling like it is only yoga if it in a place outside my house

3. The cool thing about YouTube is I can choose a class length I feel like I can handle - sometimes 5 minutes is all I can do and that is ok.  A little bit each day can be extremely helpful

I am currently in a yoga teacher training and am learning a lot.  I am happy for us to check in from time to time if that would feel supportive. 

[Armee]

Thank you, Zanzoken, for offering your support

Thank you, Rainy, for sharing your knowledge and affirming that it is ok to do yoga at home and to choose what poses to do and not do.  That means a lot coming from someone who is training as an instructor.


What happened for me is in class before it even started there were a few men positioned near me and they were warming up and breathing deeply. Even though I knew I was safe the sound was so awful. It was like it was being amplified and piped directly into my ears and everytime they would inhale I would shake and sob. Then I'd recover and another one would breathe like that. It was like a horror movie with the bad guy breathing into the phone receiver, played on surround sound theater speakers right into my ear. I still can't talk about it without getting afraid and crying. Even though it makes no sense. It's not pulling up a memory, I felt safe, etc. But my body reacts.

So yoga at home should be ok. I still haven't done it yet.  I need to do tonight.

[zanzoken]

Good luck Armee, you can do this 

Also want to say thank you to Rainydiary for posting so much helpful information.

[Blueberry]

I'm pretty sure an Accountability Thread is fine, Armee. Whatever helps you (and others) in personal recovery! 

I used to do yoga too, including some of the 8 limbs rainydiary listed, like meditation, pranayama. I love mantra-chanting which I suppose is a means to various ends in yoga according to what rainydiary is learning.

I'm sorry that some of what goes on in group yoga is triggering you. In my experience with yoga, it's like more than just my physical body gets very receptive to what's going on around me so it's easy for me to get disturbed or totally triggered, even if the room is totally quiet. Whereas in your case you are hearing sounds that are very uncomfortable for you - no wonder it's really difficult. Even if there's no concrete memory for you, your body seems to sense something. With my experience in trauma healing, I'd say there is something there though it might not logically seem connected with anything else. I imagine the connection will become clearer when you can handle it.

I agree with what rainydiary says about trusting yourself and listening to yourself. Even if the instructor says something different.

I wish for you that you do what feels comfortable with respect to yoga tonight. Even if that's nothing.

I do get the need for accountability towards oneself but sometimes the accountability might be for something else other than what was planned. e.g. being kind to oneself instead of pushing through. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the thoughts that what I had posted was helpful.  I had been worrying I'd said too much so I'm glad it was ok.   

[Armee]

I appreciate the thoughts that what I had posted was helpful.  I had been worrying I'd said too much so I'm glad it was ok.   

[Armee]

I did the Yoga with Adrienne video on yoga for PTSD. https://youtu.be/TqVSwY8y3UY

There are a lot of comments on the video from people with c-PTSD. And a lot of comments that talk about big releases of emotions and how it made them cry etc.

It's 45 minutes long but it went by super fast. I honestly didn't feel anything emotional at all but perhaps with time and practice that will come.

[zanzoken]

Nice going Armee!  Proud of you. 

The benefits may not be apparent right away but just the fact that you did it is a huge victory in and of itself.