What is it like not to live in filth?

[Chamomile]

Please help. I've heard that trauma survivors have trouble taking care of their living spaces. Is this true?

I have extremely many problems (executive function, self-care, etc), but right now the biggest one is that I am profoundly detached from my living space, so detached and avoidant of it, that it's a chaotic mess. I'm lucky to live far away from abusers, and have my own place, though I'm between roommates. When there is no one else here but me, I enter a profound stupor and clean even less. The state of this place terrifies me and stresses me out so much, that most of the time I'm under the force of inertia, which bounds me to my bed (the only relatively clean place) where I lay the whole day (when not working), using my smartphone to feel connected to other people on the internet (profound isolation is one of my biggest problems).

I'm also between therapists. My previous therapist and I didn't get to explore this area of my life, since I have so many other problems.

I'm poor and don't really have money for a cleaning lady. Either way, I think she would faint if she saw the state of my place.

Why do I feel so disconnected from everything in this place? It's like nothing is "mine".

I have had maggots growing in containers I've left in the kitchen. Flies all over. Dried and caked up cat hairballs all over the floor. When I walk around in my slippers, everything crunches under my feet. I haven't done laundry in over a month, and haven't washed floors in 3 months. I'm afraid that my cats are getting diseases from the state of the floor. Dishes rotting all over the kitchen for months.

And I'm not in my twenties, I'm a middle-aged woman.

Why is this happening?

[Armee]

That sounds really overwhelming and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so disconnected from your space. I think trauma can do that and it's not your fault.  You aren't asking for advice so I won't give any, just a gentle hug if you want one. I do think it's ok to ask for help to get started on cleaning up, once you are ready and wanting to.

[Blueberry]

That sounds really overwhelming and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so disconnected from your space. I think trauma can do that and it's not your fault. 

I'm pretty messy and untidy. Sometimes I dissociate a bit in order to clean. Also cleaning is really exhausting for me, always has been. I have never managed to clean my apartment in one go, or even a room all in one go. Not when I was in my 20's and not now a few decades later either. So, you're not alone. If that knowledge helps a little bit.

For 8-9 months now I've been paying a friend to come and help me. She doesn't tidy, but when I know she's coming, I'm more likely to tidy in advance. I do see that it's not possible for you to pay somebody. She's actually on holiday atm and things have descended into even worse chaos.

I can imagine there might be a number of reasons from your past - a traumatised person's past -  why your place doesn't feel like 'yours'.

When I feel overwhelmed, I try and do the easiest task (which might simply be putting my plate over by the sink or putting a piece of scrap paper in the paper bin) and then praise myself and then see if there's energy or some other wherewithal for a further small, easy task.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Chamomile,

To your question; yes, the inability to take care of your living spaces can be a symptom of CPTSD. Some people have the same problem in reverse, being chronically obsessed with cleaning.
I think you are wise to recognize that this is probably a trauma response.

Since you don't currently have a therapist, I can at least recommend an eye-opening book that has helped me tremendously. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker. Mr. Walker is a therapist and a survivor of CPTSD himself. He lays out the various possible symptoms of 4 major traits of CPTSD survivors: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. What you are experiencing by being unable to find the energy to take care of your surroundings reminds me a lot of his chapter on the Freeze response.

It's great that you brought this forward in this forum. You've openly shared a struggle with a group of people who are not prone to judge you, but who are compassionate and empathetic. A lot of us have walked miles in each other's shoes, so we understand each other.

I am mostly a Fawn type, (I fawn over people because I believe others are more important than myself, and I try to help whenever I can). I'm a Freeze type as my second most often response. When I freeze, like for example if I get humiliated or scolded at work, I'll do much the same as what you're doing now. I'll hide away in my house and stop caring about my own home, my chores, my hygiene... I'll basically just not be able to find the energy within myself to wash dishes, wash my laundry or throw my trash into the bin. I just feel like there's no point. Like my batteries are completely drained and I'm frozen like a zombie.

Chamomile, you are not alone. I don't really have any suggestions for how to start cleaning, but at least I can offer that you're not alone. Many people on this site struggle with many of the same responses to similar triggers. No matter what my struggle, I always feel better knowing that I'm not alone with it.

[Dante]

You are not alone.  Yesterday, all I had to do was wash some pots and pans and do some laundry.  It took me all day just to get that done.  I oscillate between letting everything going, and then obsessively cleaning until I'm exhausted (from Mr. Walker's book, I believe I'm a flight-freeze 4F type).  Most days, doing anything at all feels overwhelming.  I've started doing one thing in the morning that helps set the tone for the whole day, which is to make my bed up (properly - if I just through the blanket over, that's not made up).  But yes, what you're experiencing is something I can relate to.

[Blueberry]

I'll hide away in my house and stop caring about my own home, my chores, my hygiene... I'll basically just not be able to find the energy within myself to wash dishes, wash my laundry or throw my trash into the bin. I just feel like there's no point.

This is how I often operate too. In fact, I'm like this about my household more often than not. Although washing dishes and throwing my trash in the bin and emptying the bins is what I can get started on best. Emptying the bins (we have a whole slew of different types here   ) can get things flowing again a bit for me. But that's likely to be a pretty individual thing.

Papa Coco, it really helps me that you write that the inability to take care of your living space can be a symptom of cptsd. I don't feel atm as if I have ever known that. Suspected yes, but really known, no. As usual it feels good not to be alone with a symptom.

How are you feeling now, Chamomile?

[Papa Coco]

HI Blueberry,

I have recently begun to realize that I'll work my tail off to make my house absolutely spotless if I know I have people coming over. But these days no one ever comes over. I also used to really take obsessive care of myself. I exercised so I'd look good in my clothes and I bought a lot of clothes so I was always in style. But only so I could be what the world told me I should be. I never wanted my wife or kids to be embarassed to be seen with me. So I took care of myself for them. Now that I'm no longer working, and almost never socializing anymore, I can't find motivation to take care of myself either.

I'm a Fawn/Freeze type. Raised to be a selfless servant who didn't ask for anything because I didn't deserve anything. I have a big me-shaped hole in my heart that I don't care about. I can clean your house, but I can't clean my own. My energy sinks through the floorboards if what I'm doing isn't for someone else.

I was not taught to respect others as I do myself, I was taught to respect others instead of myself.

My inability to care about my house or my hygeine is about this diminished sense of self. If I were a paid butler, I'd have boundless energy to keep my master's house clean. But I can't find the energy to keep it clean for me.

To me, this entire issue is about being a Fawn type. A Fawn type is motivated to fawn over others. Not myself.

Another problem I have with motivation is that my wife, who is on the Autism Spectrum, is an amazing person who doesn't see beauty the way I do. My secret desire as a kid was to become an architect. I really like beautiful structures, and I also really like a well-decorated, stylish home. She does not. Something about how her brain works differently than mine means that I'm the only person living in this house who cares what it looks like. So again...if I can't fawn to her need for a clean home, then who am I supposed to clean for? Me? HA! My trauma response says I'm not worth it. So why bother? If I'm not worth it, then being forced to clean it just feels like torture.

My mission is to find some love for myself in this old heart of mine. Perhaps then I'll start loving my home again too.

[Armee]

This is really spot on for me, too, Papa Coco.