BeHea1thy's Journal

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Kizzie

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #30 on: May 26, 2015, 06:50:03 PM »
I'm impressed with your effort to add in a number of  life-affirming things to your day BeHealthy- a realistic bike workout, a small amount of Almond Joy ice cream after a bad day, reading up on a new passion about violets ......  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:  all good (although not sure about working out in your pj's!  ;D).

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Jdog

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #31 on: May 26, 2015, 10:08:26 PM »
The recumbent bike sounds perfect for your situation- very cool!  Yes, it sounds like bite sized morsels will be the ticket as you ease back into familiar routines from the past as well as learning new ones.  That concept of taking just one step at a time remains my most challenging yet useful ticket out of despair and self deprecation.  You are certainly not alone in the self abandonment pattern!

Take care and keep us updated!

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keepfighting

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #32 on: May 28, 2015, 08:12:56 PM »
I love the many positive changes you've implemented in you life over the past few weeks. All those steps towards self acceptance and recovery and the beautiful things you are enjoying and creating. Of all the things you've done so far, I like best how you are embracing your IC, hanging up her picture and making her a part of your daily life. Simple but wonderful idea.  :hug:


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BeHea1thy

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2015, 03:47:37 PM »
Thanks for all the encouragement and validation  :yes:

RANT WARNING:

Back in February I went to a UPS store and bought a year's lease on a mail box for myself and my sibling. The purpose was to create a boundary, so I could get her mail at a neutral location and not have "contamination" or cross infection of toxicity between her life and mine.  Great theory. Now I'll spend the next year pleading repeatedly with agencies to use it!

Since I function in a legal capacity, many people want to know my home address. Yesterday I had yet another "surprise" in my home mailbox. A nice letter from Social Services, sending a duplicate copy of what they sent to my sibling a week ago. At my address also.  :blink: I cycled through my reactions fairly predictably, huge disgust, exasperation, rage, obsessional problem solving, hopelessness and grudging acceptance. After all, it's only paper, and you can burn it, shred it scan it, copy it, destroy it, file it, save it!

I had already written a letter to Social Services last week about HER address, had e-mailed a supervisor, called a worker, called another worker 3 times. And guess what? Nothing works! Then epiphany!

:doh: Glorious, theoretical and sound.

I never told them to send MY mail to the mail box address. (Well, when you're desperate, solutions manufacture themselves!) So, I did my routine. Wrote the letter, signed the letter, scanned my signed letter, envelope, scanned the envelope from the letter received, scanned both sides of the notice, walked down to the mail box area of my building and deposited the mail. Walked back to my tenant storage area which has a file cabinet. Unlocked the storage, put the mail in the top drawer and closed/locked it all up and went back to my day.

 :blink: :stars: :sadno: I am still triggered by these little mail episodes, and it was especially potent because that very morning I'd had a dream about her. After 6 months, it's surprising I haven't dreamed MORE. But anyway. Occasionally I get completely consumed about some small detail, an unpaid ambulance bill, a piece of mail, a release of information.

So, objectively speaking, hey, I'm doing SO MUCH BETTER! Gone is the manic activity, the activation of self-harm behavior, (solved thankfully with a supplement!) the rampant overeating, the heart pounding, hyperventilating, endless meetings, e-mails and electronic monitoring of her life. Whew! It's good to see how I've been able to let it (mostly) go when 6 months prior, I only had hopes.

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Jdog

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2015, 11:27:01 PM »
BeHealthy-

So glad your solution for resetting the boundary came to you at the time you needed it to!  Yes, that does sound like a very triggering and frustrating situation, and you handled it with grace.  Congrats on not onlynlowering your anxiety in the moment but allso on being self aware enough to see how far you have come in the past 6 months.

What feel like baby steps in the moment add up to big leaps over time.  What great progress!

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BeHea1thy

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #35 on: June 11, 2015, 05:41:09 PM »
More baby steps......

I call this the "Blue Match." Working at re-engaging with my beads/business by making some simple stuff which is "just for fun." It took me 3 years to finally put a join in my braid, and then it's been another year to make earrings and a bracelet to match! I am slightly fanatic about "matching" because that's the way I've "branded" myself. People notice and it seems to be uplifting for me.

I used substandard beads for the bracelet because they were the right color! Mill Hill bead colors are not stable and scrape off (the purple). Czech seed beads are too aggravating because of their variable sizes (the blue). So, back to my pledge of allegiance to Miyuki cylindrical Delica size 11 (the turquoise) and away we go!  :blahblahblah:

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Kizzie

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2015, 09:00:12 PM »
Beautiful BeHea1thy!  :applause: 

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BeHea1thy

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #37 on: June 13, 2015, 02:22:09 PM »
Thanks Kizzie!

I have now moved into a serious phase of life re-organization.  :righton:

This is because I am now committed to doing something with my assets, 'da beads and braids. My reasoning is: if I have chosen subsidized housing for the sole purpose of debt repayment, then it makes sense to configure all activity to saving money. While I now have some breathing room and a bit of leeway in my monthly financial obligations, any new pursuit should be with an eye towards new spending. (or rather not spending) While I would love to go wild with violets, I know that it would involve purchasing things I don't have: grow lights, plants, planting materials, pots, etc  Looking at any interest I have in a pragmatic way means spending money to fulfill that urge!  Don't like it, but that's what it comes down to for me.  :pissed:

Seeing that I already have a LARGE collection of beads, beading containers, supplies, tools, and findings, it only makes sense to do what I knew I should have done from day 1, which is to keep meticulous records for inventory and sanity purposes.When I have too much, sometimes I forget and make duplicate purchases.  I have tried at various times to rein myself in, and have kept every receipt for the last 4 years! All nice and neat for the most part too. But now it's time to select, sort and seriously organize my "stash" for future livelihood purposes.

The main sticking point has been to make enough product to sell. I'm really good at producing when the mood strikes, but that mood often comes and goes. Life has interrupted me so often, it's dawning on me that it's the way I deal with life that is the problem. In the past, I've allowed myself to use my primary coping method, depressive living. Zoning out, isolating, laying around on the couch, watching hours of electronic media, eating poorly, overeating, or not eating. Each day I waste is not going to be available again. With the help of this forum, I am finally waking up to the entire self-care mindset, which means that there's never an excuse for abandoning myself and thinking it's OK.

So, all that wordy preface is to say, I have started! I have an Excel Spread sheet saved as Yet Another Inventory! and I input two massive current purchases, one particular bead type, where the collection was small, and am going to devise some daily habits for dealing with the mammoth inventory task. All my "other" (than cylindrical) beads are now set out on a table top, by color, so that I can move those beads into small zip lock bags and use the containers for my favorite beads so that I won't have to invest in more bead containers! Although I love a specific container that eliminates static electricity, I can "make do" with the other ones. As I empty the containers, I am also going to set aside what I won't use, to sell or give away. I did a sort last year, but now realize it was not enough. Why keep stuff that I hate, even if it is pretty?

Instead of looking at the mountain before me, I'm looking at my feet and just the area immediately in front of me. I can do an easy, small, part each day which fulfills the goal. YES! :yes: I can risk a daily reward for the bigger picture! I can actually do what I've wanted for myself, nothing is stopping me! I can allow myself to be successful! (gulp) I can think about what it might feel like to have that accomplished and what I might do once it is! (WOW!) Who knows where that might take me and who it might lead me to?

 :sunny:

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Allie

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #38 on: June 13, 2015, 02:59:33 PM »
Way to go!! Keep up the great work!! ;D

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Jdog

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #39 on: June 13, 2015, 11:40:20 PM »
BH -

You surely are following the "thousand miles/single step" advice that underlies your posts.  I can very well relate to the need to reduce inventory, simplify, organize.  I also need to constantly remind myself that I can only do one thing at a time.  Much self talk to that effect.

I like your detailed instructions to yourself.  Good work!  Keep beading and keep sending us beautiful pics from time to time.  True art!

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Kizzie

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #40 on: June 17, 2015, 09:43:14 PM »
In the past, I've allowed myself to use my primary coping method, depressive living. Zoning out, isolating, laying around on the couch, watching hours of electronic media, eating poorly, overeating, or not eating.

Well now, that all sounds very familiar lol.  I hadn't realized until I read your post that I am not sliding into depression and the numbing thing as much either.  I am more focused on soothing, caring, compassion.  You end up with more positives as you say - reducing clutter, making lovely jewellery .....   Yup, it's a much better way of living! :yes:

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BeHea1thy

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #41 on: July 20, 2015, 11:47:21 PM »
What a difference a day or a month makes!

I'm learning to set some realistic expectations and slow myself down from jumping into things. My goal to inventory my extensive accumulation of beads and assorted accessories is well under way. It is exactly as exasperating and ugly as I anticipated. Good to know my judgment is still accurate.  :bigwink:

I've had a birthday and turned 63. Yikes-a-roo! It was by far a wonderful day, with texts and e-mails from loved family, lunch with a friend and an overall sense of well-being. I gave myself permission to spend birthday money on some coveted tiny bead organizers which are the cream of the crop. I decided to stop "making do" with cheap, poorly constructed containers. Now, I have over half my stuff neatly labeled and organized by size and shape. It feels good to actually follow through.

The dreaded therapist's vacation and huge absence in my life is nearly over. Only 3 more days to go until my next appointment. Still, I functioned better than I expected, with only one or two episodes of despair. Fortunately, all the work I've done here bubbled up to the surface and I was able to stave off an urge to harm myself with the words, SELF-CARE. I repeated that over and over until the feeling passed. I see it all as practicing the new way of living.

I'm at the end of the line hearing wise, and after frequent nudging from my audiologist, will be talking about either acceptance of my condition or a cochlear implant. Scary stuff, and just moving incrementally along the path.

After devastating grief from being without a feline companion, I'm starting to explore possible adoption avenues. What's different this time is the speed. No leaping, no impulses, a wide net to assess and rethink at each step along the way. It may turn out I don't follow through, which would be fine. I'm taking long term view.

Perhaps the most striking progress is with my role as an attorney in fact. I met with my "proxy" and professional organizer weeks ago and have been able to step back so completely, everything has virtually "disappeared." A most amazing feat, since I thought my old patterns and beliefs were too rigid to modify. The daily rumination has gone, I'm lighter and focused on my own life exclusively for a change. It's foreign sometimes, but I will get used to it.  :yes:

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« Last Edit: July 21, 2015, 12:00:04 AM by BeHea1thy »

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Jdog

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #42 on: July 21, 2015, 03:15:42 AM »
BeHealthy-

Great news!  I am so glad that you are slowing down and giving yourself the time necessary for processing - that's a skill I struggle with a lot.  Your birthday sounded joyful - loving family and friends, buying the bead organizers you needed and getting really good ones.  I am glad your backseat role with regards to your sister's care is still working well for you - good job with the letting go of grief and worry there.

Welcome back - you have been missed!

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BeHea1thy

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #43 on: September 05, 2015, 02:07:41 PM »
September brings me close to my cancer "anniversary."At this time last year, I was distraught in dealing with a failed referral to a surgeon that was eventually going to leave his mark on my body. So, the first one didn't wanna do it, but the second one did. My scar is one of my best features! In the interim, I've had two pre-cancerous lesions on my face, and now, after my second cryo-therapy, finally know the danger signs and will remember them. I've learned that my old fear of being discounted for a physical complaint may lead to a bigger problem with a scalpel.

I'm one month away from the open enrollment for Medicare. This is important because I am changing my sibling's plan. This will be my last "official" act of 2015 and I will put down my mantle/hat of savior, problem solver, bill payer, financial organizer in favor of stepping completely away from care-taking. No more driving to UPS to check the postal box, route the mail, act on the mail or get upset about the mail. I will stop trying to get an unpaid ambulance bill from January paid. I will write no more letters to Social Services. I will step back from all re-certifications. In other words, yeah me.  :applause:

There's a small notebook I keep in my car to record how many miles I'm driving each day. Beside it I enter all the places I visited. It's a simple, handy way to keeping a diary of sorts. In transferring data from a larger notebook to my chosen one, I looked back over the beginning on the year when I entered my "twilight zone" of mistaken obligation and false responsibility. Two things popped out immediately: frantic activity and extreme daily distress. It boils down to one word-flight. The difference now is that I see that actually very little of that made a significant difference and even with my very best efforts, some problems remain unsolved.

After 9 months of a gaping hole in my upper jaw where a front tooth was extracted, I will be seeing a nice porcelain crown this Wednesday. I'm re-configuring my life so that I'm engaging with people around me, trying out new groups, resurrecting dormant creative interests and curbing my appetite for art supplies by allowing myself a couple of days to mull things over. My enthusiasm often leads me to commit to a practice without knowing if I can sustain it or not. I'm learning not to compulsively order books on Amazon and keep all the supplements I just knew were gonna cure me to a minimum.

September is always a wonderful month of new beginnings because it coincides with the academic year. I hope to carry the excitement with me a bit longer than 30 days.  :yes:


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Kizzie

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Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Reply #44 on: September 05, 2015, 05:49:18 PM »
Yeah you is right BeHealthy  :applause:  and  :cheer: