Anyone else put in the identified patient role?

[witnessoflucidhypocrisy]

I've been a bit of a lurker on the OOTF for a couple of years but always chickened out when I wanted to join. Still have a hard time with the whole JADE thing. I feel like I have to tell my entire life story so that I won't seem like I'm just blaming my problems on others, but I'll try to refrain. If you aren't familiar with the term identified patient it is almost the same as being a scapegoat. I was always treated like I was defective (anything that didn't fit their desires is pathologized) but with less aggression than a scapegoat would receive, which is why I make the distinction. Most of the time they acted like they were trying to lovingly help me, but they just didn't like me, didn't like me saying no.

Been working on my CPTSD issues for a few years now. Started with videos from youtube therapists that helped a bit. But I am really starting to see changes after I finally read Pete Walker's book just a few months ago, I couldn't really get into inner child work before that.

I have a hard time putting the blame back where it belongs, as they say, because I fell completely into the role prescribed me by every member of my family. A video by Jay Reid finally put it into perspective for me. I needed to adopt that role to have a shared reality with my family, I had to if I wanted to feel any connection with them. I haven't lived all my life as the identified patient, but whenever I did any healing or growing trying to connect with them was like throwing myself against a wall of anger. That is when I would be treated as though I was self-sabotaging and so stubbornly refusing to see it that it warranted their anger. Eventually I would comply.

I grew up in a small religious community which my parents were very involved in. I was barely even allowed to be around people outside of that community. Everyone I knew thought they were delightful caring people. I'm still very enmeshed with them. I am already NC with my mother and planning on going NC with the rest of my family because I've lost hope that they will ever change. It's a bit scary going out on my own after more than 30 years of feeling like such a useless waste of space, with my therapist being pretty much the sole member of my current support network. I'm finally starting to see the qualities that I possess and know that network will grow and hope coming here will be a good start.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.

[BeeKeeper]

Dear witnessoflucidhypocrisy,

Welcome and congrats on your courageous first post! You've invested a lot in yourself and understanding already and I sense you are well on your way to becoming what you want and need to be.

When a person grows up in an isolated and enclosed religious system, it's extremely hard to break out. (I did.) Even your words, "I'm still enmeshed with them" holds hope because you can see what it happening. It is scary to go out on your own. All it takes is one person "in your network" or corner to make a difference and give you a lifeline. I'm glad you have that.

this is the place to have others listen and help

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Witness     I agree with BK that its a big step you have been able to see/feel the enmeshment for what it is versus the care/love it's often described as by those trying to keep you in the family/group.  Scary, lonely but also freeing, that's the mixed bag of detaching from those who would keep you in your prescribed role.  It's like you can breathe finally, or at least that's what it's been like for me. I hope it comes to that for you also    A lot of us here have been through a similar journey so there's lots of support and encouragement 

[zanzoken]

Welcome to the forum, Witness.  I think you'll find this community is a safe place full of people who just want to help support each other in recovery from RT and CPTSD.

It sounds like you've found a lot of clarity with regards to how your FOO has mistreated you.  That feels hopeful to me, and I hope it does to you too.   I wish you all the best as you continue along on this journey.

[Libby183]

Welcome to OOTS. So pleased that you felt able to post for the first time.

I was intrigued by your reference to being the identified patient. I'm not sure if I have heard this term before, but it seems familiar.

I was definitely the scapegoat in my FOO, but have been wondering about my role in my own family. I have often felt like I was carrying all of their pain, for them. So that they, particularly my husband, could continue to function, despite unfaced issues.  I don't know if this is the same, but it was something that struck me when I read your post.

Hoping to hear more from you, if and when you are ready.

[SeattleGirl]

This also happens in dysfunctional families where one or more family members have severe mental illness. This type of abuse is associated with scapegoating, which is the worst type of abuse one can experience. The family member(s) typically a parent will blame the child that does not have mental illness for all the family problems and they will project their mental illness on to that child. This is very complex type of family dysfunctional dynamic. The scapegoating occurs when the child is an infant and the child experiences various types of abuse early on in life. When the child becomes old enough to realize what is happening, the abuse becomes more subtle and passive aggressive to drive the target to paranoia and mental breakdown. It's a very cruel practice, I didn't realize people are still behaving this way. 

[Branchy3]

Hi
So sorry to hear your going through this with your family .. I haven't seen my mother for 15 years now and I feel so much better away from her .. even tho I'm still struggling with cptsd .. my mother played the victim all the time from as young as I can remember, she was a heavy drinker and when going away would lock mr into the hotel room when I was about 10 years old, then she would go back drinking with my dad and their friends. I can never forget the feelings of how scared I was inside this small room.. so alone..
I took to self harming to get her to take notice of me .. which did work as she had to take me to the Drs ( I used to scratch my arms with a hard nail brush until it bled ) then tell her it appeared over night ..:
I know I was literally so desperate to be shown attention and love.
I truly hope this forum helps you ..
For the first time ever I'm talking to people here who get me ..
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart ❤️