Loads of shame at the moment

[Rainydaze]

1. Estranged father came to my home last week, uninvited, unexpected and unwanted and kept ringing the doorbell. He would't go away so I asked my husband to answer it. DH told him to stop with the visits and my father played the victim and claimed he doesn't know what he's done wrong. On my part there's shame about this on two levels. Firstly, I didn't ever give my father a specific reason for no contact and just stopped engaging with him. I cannot deal with conflict and I know with him that there's just no point due to his delusions, lack of self awareness and little empathy. He loves drama too and will involve other people. I just want to be left to heal in peace. Secondly, there's the shame of his constant inability to take ownership of his behaviour - 4 YEARS since we last spoke and still he can't do the work and fathom out for himself that his behaviour drove me away? Plus I think he's only trying to pressure me into contact now after 4 years of no meaningful attempts because he's getting old, needs an operation and will want someone to drive him around to appointments because his wife can't drive. That in itself is shaming because he doesn't genuinely care about me at all, it's all about what I can do for him. Then there's the added shame of "well, should I be helping him out?"

2. I let a friendship die this past year and I feel bad about it still. I just can't get over the feeling that I've done something wrong and that I should have made more effort. To be honest though she had seemed pretty disinterested for a while and was sending mixed messages/only engaging really on her terms (but was still making more effort than I was in fairness), plus we didn't have much in common anymore. I'm conflicted about whether to get in touch and offer an olive branch anyway though, because we live in a small town and bumping into her is so awkward otherwise. It might be too much at the moment saying that, it had reached a point where we weren't hugely close and I can't be "fun" for her at the moment. I don't know whether depression, anxiety and CPTSD just completely skews my perception of it all and whether I can truly trust my feelings. I just don't know. Regardless, I feel shame over it.

3. When I first started at my husband's workplace 5 or so years ago a couple of his work colleagues' behaviour towards me was demeaning and passive aggressive. There were two or three occasions where I would see them smirking when I was talking or hear them making backhanded comments after I had left the room. Just high school bullying type behaviour really. I had a bit of a heart to heart over many things with my husband yesterday and this was one of the things I shared, which he was completely shocked and disappointed about because he's had a completely different experience with these two people and could never have imagined (one of them at least) behaving like this. Part of me is relieved to finally get my truth out there about this (why should I stay quiet?!) and part of me is ashamed that something about me provoked them to behave like this in the first place and that I've now potentially made things awkward for my husband. Thankfully I don't work there anymore, but he does. I assured him that I'm over it, that I understood that he has had a different experience with these people and that I don't expect him to react or make a deal out of it. I still feel bad about it though and wonder whether I should have told him or just kept quiet. Part of me also really wanted to finally let him know though.

4. Another of the many things that my husband and I spoke about yesterday was whether or not we want children. Honestly, it's not something I've ever had my heart set on and with my mental health where it is at the moment I just can't imagine coping with it or enjoying it. My husband is 50/50 and says that he could go either way with it, but he acknowledges that as the main breadwinner he wouldn't be the one having to deal with the day to day care (as much). I feel shame because as a woman of 33 I feel like I should really want this, and I just don't. I'm open to this changing if my mental health improves because maybe my outlook on life will too, but right now I just can't picture it. I wish I could just go back to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now, do the work on myself rather than sticking my head in the ground and reach the age I am now with a healthier sense of self, better boundaries, assertiveness, etc. All the things I want a child to have in their possession but which I just don't have a handle on right now. How can I teach a child these things if I can't healthily model it myself?

So there you go, just ranting really and getting these things out of my head. This is how my CPTSD informed brain is currently processing these things. Just feels like a lot to cope with right now.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing all of this.  Something I find so difficult is how CPTSD touches every single part of our life and we get no break from it.  I am here with you feeling similar things in my own way.  I notice how you are doing your best to share your experience with trusted people and hope that sharing takes away some of the bigness of the feelings. 

[Armee]

 

That's a lot and I can relate to a lot of it. The shame is a huge many-headed beast of a symptom.

Mmm...how do I say this right? I'm not sure I'll probably mess up but...

I understand feeling shame about those things and it's not wrong to feel that way. But nothing you have done or described below is shameful on YOUR part. Of course you know that, and yet we get those deep painful feelings anyway, and logic doesn't help it go away.

Instead I'll say;

I'm proud of you for having DH take care of talking to your dad. Your dad may be the one who should be feeling shame but he never would admit it to himself let alone you. That's their disorder. Ours is to absorb it and turn the blame and shame on ourselves with and for them. Otherwise it would go where it belongs, to our parents, but they can't accept it. I have this sensation (like an image but I don't see things, I feel them physically) ...of you opening the door to your father and handing him the blame and shame back and he won't take it. Then instead of you accepting it back into your body (because ugh it's so ugly and messy and BIG it has to go somewhere right?)...instead of taking it back you just drop it between you two, turn around, close the door, and walk away. It isn't your shame, Blues Cruise. Your husband will go later and wash that ugly mess on the sidewalk into the sewer.

As for kids. 33 is still young. There's still time to heal a bit more and then assess if you want kids or don't. I do hope though that if you want kids you won't let your fear stop you. You have the ability to not just be a good mom but a great mom. Ok? You can not want kids and be totally ok as a woman. It's not a requirement. But it's also not a requirement to be 100% perfectly healed either. My oldest was 11 when I first went into therapy. I wish I had gone sooner and healed sooner so i could have been more present and been a better model for emotions and avoided some pain with my 11 year old.  But being raised like we were....we aren't destined to repeat the patterns, especially with someone helping us see where we might be falling a bit short. If you were to read my older journal you might think I haven't made a good parent and when I am deep in shame I would say yeah it's all my fault and I was a bad mom blah blah blah. But right now I'm only a little triggered and I can tell you I'm actually a really good mom and my kids actually feel lucky to have me as their mom. They love me. I love them more than anything in the whole wide world and would never treat them like I was treated. Never ever ever. But again, you don't have to want kids or have kids, but listen to your heart and if it is something you want eventually, it can be really healing to break the cycle, too.   

I think what you've done here is good. You've said you feel shame. You've written down the things you feel shame about. Next step is being kind and gentle, right? That's where I always fail myself. Are you able to do that for yourself? It's so easy to see for other people and harder to see for ourselves. It's really sad you feel all this shame. You deserve to not have any of it. You deserve a hug, a comforting drink, and a good book or movie or peaceful walk.

[Kizzie]

IMO feeling shame about whether or not you should help your F is 'normal' for want of of a better word because you are a compassionate human being. Sometimes though we're not as compassionate towards ourselves as we are to others which is where our CPTSD comes in I think.  Our boundaries were trashed (or non-existent) and so we're uncomfortable when we put them in place, even when it's to stop others from hurting/using/abusing us.  But if we don't, some people like your F will take advantage. We can't accept that anymore if we want to be healthy and happy. If your F is anything like my M he will find a way to get his needs met if you are not there to serve him. 

I delayed having a child for years because of my CPTSD - didn't think I could handle parenting or give him what he would need.  Women are having children later in life so there is time to look after your recovery and check in as you go along to see how you feel on the issue.  It may change, it may not. 

The work and friendship issues - it seems to me that these are an issue because you are changing and recovering, that your needs are becoming more and more important but it's still uncomfortable?  Just a thought I had as I was reading . Change isn't easy or comfortable I've found but it signals something important usually.

Just some thoughts Blues, I hope they help even a little.   

[Rainydaze]

Thank you all so much for reading and responding. I think the CPTSD taints everything and makes things seem 1000 times more overwhelming than they other otherwise would. 

Another thing that came up over the weekend which I've been processing is my mother in law getting angry/upset that I was upstairs napping when she visited to drop a present off. On my part this was scheduled self care and quiet time to re-regulate my nervous system after the shock of my F coming here, which I thought my husband had explained to her and had been understood. It was actually his suggestion too, so I didn't foresee any issues. Unfortunately this blatantly wasn't communicated well though and she ended up with different expectations. I think part of the problem is that my husband walks on eggshells around her due to her extreme anxiety and tries to please everyone, when in this scenario it would have been best to just give the facts to her straight. I've been really upset and frustrated about it because it was like, seriously...I've never asked anything of them before and the one time I do I get invalidated and treated like I'm a crap person for it. I think I've now smoothed things over with her and see that her outburst came from a place of insecurity and her own unresolved trauma, however it's really shown me just how important emotional boundaries really are. I feel bad that there was a misunderstanding and that she ended up feeling bad, but I don't feel this is my stuff. She's waiting for a response from me to her last email and I know she will be feeling anxious about waiting which makes me feel like I should rush one out to her (which would be me prioritising her over writing this response to you guys!) and the authentic self becoming stronger within me is saying flat out: "NOPE". I sympathise but I'm not going to feel responsible for another person's emotional difficulties when I've got enough on my own plate. She can wait until I'm in a convenient place myself to respond.  I feel like that when someone makes a scene the way she did they're really just trying to make everyone believe, however unconsciously, that their feelings and needs are more important than everyone else's, which isn't fair.

I understand feeling shame about those things and it's not wrong to feel that way. But nothing you have done or described below is shameful on YOUR part. Of course you know that, and yet we get those deep painful feelings anyway, and logic doesn't help it go away.

Thanks for your lovely post Armee, yes this is it. It's one thing to know logically that the shame isn't mine to bear but another thing entirely to feel it and to then trust that self validation.

I'm very fortunate to have a grounded husband who is supportive of my no contact with my father and isn't afraid to stand up to people. He was able to keep calm and assertive and I was so thankful of him for dealing with it. I'm just nowhere near there for all that.

You sound like such a brilliant mom. When I look around me it seems that self awareness and knowing when to ask for help are things which really do make all the difference when it comes to parenting. 

IMO feeling shame about whether or not you should help your F is 'normal' for want of of a better word because you are a compassionate human being. Sometimes though we're not as compassionate towards ourselves as we are to others which is where our CPTSD comes in I think.  Our boundaries were trashed (or non-existent) and so we're uncomfortable when we put them in place, even when it's to stop others from hurting/using/abusing us.  But if we don't, some people like your F will take advantage. We can't accept that anymore if we want to be healthy and happy. If your F is anything like my M he will find a way to get his needs met if you are not there to serve him. 

I delayed having a child for years because of my CPTSD - didn't think I could handle parenting or give him what he would need.  Women are having children later in life so there is time to look after your recovery and check in as you go along to see how you feel on the issue.  It may change, it may not. 

The work and friendship issues - it seems to me that these are an issue because you are changing and recovering, that your needs are becoming more and more important but it's still uncomfortable?  Just a thought I had as I was reading . Change isn't easy or comfortable I've found but it signals something important usually.

Just some thoughts Blues, I hope they help even a little.   

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Kizzie. My F will get his needs met, you're right. I was probably the easiest route for this since I live so close and now he will just go elsewhere and call on other family instead. It's really uncomfortable but without boundaries in place we are just way too open to being taken advantage of.

You've given me good pause for thought on the work and friendship issues, I've always gone with the flow and protected other people's feelings, or just simply assumed that I'm wrong whenever I don't feel comfortable with something. Realistically with the former friendship, it's possible we're just both going through a tough time with personal things that the other might not know about (she has no idea about the estrangement with my father or my anxiety issues), or just simply need different people around us. I think most people accept that friendships come and go, but I have a hard time with this for some reason. I need to learn to let go of it somehow.

I appreciate you sharing all of this.  Something I find so difficult is how CPTSD touches every single part of our life and we get no break from it.  I am here with you feeling similar things in my own way.  I notice how you are doing your best to share your experience with trusted people and hope that sharing takes away some of the bigness of the feelings. 

Thanks, yes, I find this such a supportive community and somehow never feel too self-conscious or afraid to post things that I would be really afraid of getting ridiculed for normally. I really appreciate it. 

[Armee]

I find this such a supportive community and somehow never feel too self-conscious or afraid to post things that I would be really afraid of getting ridiculed for normally. I really appreciate it. 

It has been amazing to be somewhere where you know people understand, and understand the depth of what is happening, why, and how hard it is to "fix" it.

Try not to be too hard on yourself about the friendship. I think a lof of friendships fizzled during the pandemic on account of quarantine and anxiety depression and overwhelm. That's not necessarily what happened here, but your friend may not know the difference, if you don't want to tell them why, you have a bit of cover if you do run into her.

Your husband sounds awesome. 

I love your way of thinking about when you will respond to your MIL and yes, I agree wholeheartedly that her reaction is about her issues and not you doing something wrong. I think it's interesting that you have so much strength and self-assurance about this incident....it's interesting what triggers us into the CPTSD state vs when we can feel the right to protect ourselves without all that shame and doubt. Take your time! You did nothing wrong. It should require nothing more than a simple "I'm so sorry I missed your visit. I was exhausted and overwhelmed that day."
I'm sorry she is asking more of you than that.

Good luck and ugh that she dumped this on you. You are being very mature and strong and I am going to remember this example when I am feeling pressure by someone.

[Kizzie]

Wow Blues, that is some really good recovery and self care you got going!     

[jamesG.1]

Sorry to hear you've been feeling these things and dealing with these complex interactions.

Bottom line is, that you need to manage them all for the good of yourself, and if they don't like that then that's just too bad. If you bend in the wind, you snap. So many of us in here have snapped because we always compromised our wellbeing to keep the peace in absurd situations and failed in our right to self-care.

Difficult people sense our vulnerability, and if being 'family' means they have you trapped into interactions, they'll wreak havoc. Standing up to them and saying no can be a challenge, your bounderies an affront to their abusive entitlement. Hold the line... always.

Re: children... do what feels right for you. You may feel burried in complexity now, but you are clearly a smart considered woman who is way on the road to a new equilibrium. C-PTSD isnt a linear recovery so there will be peaks and troughs before you feel certain of yourself, but if that happens then maybe you will feel differently about being a mother. But children or no children, it's a journey that is worth it in terms of who you are as an individual.

But don't underestimate the strength and insight that C-PTSD will end up giving you. It's a really tough ride and the lessons are hard learned, painful, but with that comes a very deep understanding of people and the mind. One day you will know what to do with that knowledge, be it writing, working or even teaching the lessons to a child.