Newbie to OOTS

Started by Branchy3, July 28, 2021, 06:28:10 PM

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Branchy3

Hi I'm new to this forum so please bare with me ..
14 years ago I had a nervous breakdown .. after years of pleasing  my narcissistic mother through fear from childhood.: during my psychotherapy which lasted 5 years I was unable to see my mother. ...
I can't remember much of this time and was on string medication.
She was informed that she could contact my husband to see how I was doing during my therapy.. she didn't bother to contact in the 5 years ..
I reached a place of understanding with regards to the childhood trauma and decided that I wanted to go no contact  when my therapy was over .
I was in a good place felt like I finally knew who I was ..
She wasn't in my life and  took no responsibility or acknowledgment of my abusive childhood ..she was angry that I left her!!!
All was so much better until my eldest son made a choice to have her in his life .. I accept he can make his own choices but since then I have started with severe anxiety and depression he has reinforced the trauma again .. it's got so mad that I have now been diagnosed with CPTSD .. awaiting to start therapy..
My son doesn't want to hear about anything to do with the mother and says it's between me and her .. he doesn't accept his a trigger ..
every time I'm going to see him the trauma comes back .. the physical symptoms are so strong ..
So from how far I had come to today .. it's all come back...
Feels so hard to start again after..
Thank you ☺️


BeeKeeper

Welcome Branchy3,

I hope that you continue to post and interact with us here, because the things you write about are familiar to many of us. Don't worry about bearing with you. We're here.

You've done  major, major work for yourself and on yourself. There comes a breaking point where it's not possible to endure abuse. I'm sorry that you went through a breakdown. So have I, more than once. It is possible to keep climbing up and out, so when you can, reach!

It's totally understandable that your son's choices to include his grandmother and his denial or refusal to accept your triggers is a difficult situation that is bringing physical symptoms with it. There aren't words for the overall mix of feelings that brings us, but also the dynamic has changed between you and your son. The word "painful" seems way too mild.

For now, I would suggest a couple things, because it sounds like a very intense situation. First. grant yourself space for safety, however you choose to do that. Second, stick around here and we will support you.

Many people offer hug emoticons as welcomes, not sure if you want that, so instead, I'll offer a wave.  :wave:

Armee

Such warm wise words from BeeKeeper. I relate to so much of what you are saying though the story is a but different. Take the physical and emotional space you need and deserve please, here, and with your family.

Kizzie

Oh dear Branchy, that is such a tough situation with your son, it's totally understandable why you are feeling really triggered.

I'm glad you reached out here, we all do understand and hopefully we can give you some comfort and support as you try to deal with this.  :grouphug: