Letter to myself

[rainydiary]

Dear July 2021 Me,

I am thinking about summer.  For me, summer was often a marker of transition and pain.  My family often moved in the summer and was settling into a new home and place.  It is a time when the abuse was heightened given the transition.  I don't think I've ever really had a good summer.  I don't like being asked how was your summer because I detest giving false, small talk answers. 

As today has gone on, I feel a deep sadness.  My sadness is tired.  The past few months have not gone the way I hoped.  That is life.  But I feel sad because I do not feel I can share the sadness in me with others.  I am told to not feel the way I do.  I feel I am supposed to keep it in and make nice which is exhausting.   

My sadness is choking.  I feel words I want to say but have no one to say them to.  And sometimes I lose or can't find the words to show what is inside. 

My sadness is actually fear.  Today I learned something about my work that makes me wonder if I will ever actually be able to stand up for myself.  I am afraid of always being out of step and backed into corners and silenced. 

My sadness is sadness that my gifts as a person are in part born of the pain I endured growing up.  I see what others miss.  My sadness is sadness because no one will listen to what I see and consider the possibility I am on to something. 

My sadness is also hopeful.  I feel sadness so I feel things that are not sadness.  But I don't feel those things on the terms of others. 

It is ok to feel sad.  It is ok to feel all the things I do.  Also, I am making steps toward being heard and standing up and being me. I hope that I will read this in the future and feel proud of how much farther I have gotten.

Love, Me