Hello From My Cat and Me! [TW: CSA]

[lonelytourist]

Hi everyone! This is my (29F, she/her/hers) first time posting in a forum in quite some time, so I may be rusty, but at least my cat (Mr. Gomez Caddams) is here to boost my confidence.

TW: CSA/Incest
I'm an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and sibling incest who has only recently (over the past 8 months) started healing from the trauma. I put it off for a long, long time because I absolutely hate thinking about it, but a recent family event kind of...exploded my brain a bit, for a lack of a better description...and incited me to finally reconcile what's been haunting me since I was a kid.
/TW

I've been in individual and group therapy for about five years now for chronic depression and panic disorder, but it's only since January of this year that I've begun exploring how my trauma has impacted me. I haven't been formally diagnosed with CPTSD (have an appointment in a couple weeks with a psychiatrist to see what she thinks), but I'm just now realizing that a lot of my symptoms align with the criteria. I'm a graduate student in the US studying to become a licensed social worker specializing in working with survivors of domestic and sexual violence, and I know that I need to better understand this part of myself to best serve my future clients.

I joined this forum because I've realized how isolating it is to tackle this kind of trauma alone. Outside of my therapist and the fellow women in my therapy group, no one knows about this particular period of my life. I have a great support system and I know they would love and accept me if I told them, but I'm still coming to terms with what happened to me and I'm still learning to accept that I'm a victim and a survivor. I've experienced a LOT of difficult symptoms over the past 8 months since I've been working through this, and it's been so, so hard not being able to really talk about it with anyone else who relates. I think I'm just looking for a group of people who ~get it~, ya know?

It's been especially difficult because my trauma stems from my family, but I still love them (including the sibling who abused me), and I don't want to hate them or distance myself from them, but they don't know what happened between my brother and I, and because of that, they don't believe that my childhood was ~that bad~. I fear telling them about my trauma because I don't want to implode the family, and part of me fears (and is constantly questioning) that on some level, they do know what went on, but they did nothing to stop it, and I don't know what I would do if I found that out.

Anyway, I'm just so glad that I found a forum where I can safely express everything I've been keeping inside of me, and I look forward to learning more about CPTSD, reading about everyone's healing journey, and finding support!

[Kizzie]

Hi Lonelytourist, and a warm welcome to OOTS     I understand why you want to connect with a group of people who just get it.  The beauty of coming here is it's anonymous so it feels safer to do so. It can be a struggle to face those difficult things we've suffered but somehow knowing we're not as alone and that this community really does get it can help.  I hope that's the case for you. 

[woodsgnome]

After such a hard journey to this point, and still willing to salve some of the pain, from within -- that's a good sign, as is your search to find some understanding voices. Many on this forum have also felt alone and discouraged.

I hope you can find some solace and especially hope here. In a way, we're all lonely tourists. 

PS -- my elderly cat adds his greetings.

[zanzoken]

Welcome to the forum, Lonelytourist.  (and Gomez Caddams!)

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've been through, but I'm glad you're here with us.  This is a safe place full of people who understand and want to support each other.  Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

 

Welcome to you and your cat.

Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Dear lonelytourist and Mr. Gomez Caddams! Meow?

I definitely "get it." This is a good place to feel safe telling your story. You don't seem rusty in the least, so keep at it.

Congrats on living your life, engaging in therapy and continuing your education. Graduate school is demanding. It sounds like despite the last 8 months, you're juggling everything well. It takes a lot of energy to not share or tell the most important aspects of your life. Maybe that won't always be so.

Take care.