Hi, everyone! (Trigger warning)

[pluto]

Hi, everyone.  I recently came across this forum after being diagnosed with CPTSD. I have been reading through posts for a couple of hours now and my heart is with everyone. I have never met or even spoke to others(besides my best friend) that understands, but to know that there is a whole online community makes me so hopeful and how amazing it is to have a safe space to share with others.

Trigger warning going forward

I was originally diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19 and I am now 21 and have been diagnosed with CPTSD. It's all still very new and very confusing to me. My diagnosis of CPTSD has been very relieving in the sense that I now understand that the guilt, shame, and self-blame I carry is not mine; I was conditioned. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a workaholic mother; both of whom were absent in my childhood and very emotionally neglectful. My parents provided for us; we always had somewhere to live, clothes on our back, and food on our table, but they were never able to give to my brother and I emotionally healthily. I was emotionally manipulated (I am still trying to understand if it was emotional abuse) and my parents used me to get back at one another or to get what they individually wanted. They purposely further strained my relationship with the other parent and they convinced me that it was my fault; that I was the one that was ruining things. Unfortunately, the gas-lighting and emotional manipulation that I experienced in childhood dictated those I formed relationships with later in my life. I also witnessed physical abuse in my youth, but I was never physically abused.

I struggle with lapses in my memory and general time loss, but while I may not remember every year or moment of my life as a child, I know that I was scared, alone, sad, and always trying to fix things. I disregarded most of my childhood trauma and what I didn't disregard, I didn't hold to much value. I was raped when I was 16 and every single ounce of pain I felt prior was suddenly about the rape. Things got to be pretty horrible for myself by the time I turned 17 and had started to realize that what had happened that night when I was 16 was not okay. I moved away for University as I needed a fresh start. During my first month of school I was raped by the first friend I had made. Once again, everything came collapsing down and I was stuck in the ruins as they fell and I just seemed to never stop falling. I was desperately trying to find something to cling onto, something to catch me while I was falling.

I have been unearthing my childhood trauma and have also been learning to listen to my longterm feelings and fears that I was molested by a trusted adult when I was a child. I have been spending time with myself and learning to extend compassion, love, and forgiveness which has been one of the most beautiful feelings.

I appreciate every single individual that took their time to read this and for every individual in this space. There is strength in community and I am so very grateful to have come across this forum. Thank you, everyone.

Pluto

[bluepalm]

Hi Pluto and welcome to this kind and caring community. Your story is devastating to read and my heart goes out to you. When I was your age I lacked the degree of understanding about myself that you have, but I can certainly relate to the confusion, despair and vulnerability you describe about what happened and continues to happen to you. I hope you find the warm support, validation and increased understanding of your trauma that I have found through being a member of this forum.  Thank you for joining and telling your story with an open heart.

[zanzoken]

Hello Pluto, welcome to the forum.    I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you've experienced throughout your life.  I like what you said about there being "strength in community"... rest assured that this is a safe place where people just want to help and support each other.

Receiving a CPTSD diagnosis and beginning to learn about relational and complex trauma is such an important step, so it feels hopeful to me that you've reached that point. 

Once again, welcome, and I wish you all the best in your continued healing and recovery. 

[Armee]

Hi...welcome! It's painful what you've been through and I wish you didn't need a forum like this, but I'm happy it's here for you at a time of need. I also feel really optimistic for you because you are getting it sounds like good help now, at a really young age.

[pluto]

Thank you, Armee. I really appreciate your words. I am studying addictions counselling in school with a strong focus in trauma and it has helped me a lot more than I have realized, as well as was the catalyst to me getting to where I am now. I am very fortunate to have access to mental health resources and I do feel that my age will help me with managing my symptoms and healing. Thank you for sharing my optimism. Take care 

[pluto]

Thank you, Bluepalm. That warms my heart and it is so comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I continue to be astonished at the resonance I have felt with others. Thank you for your kind words (:

[pluto]

Thank you, Zanzoken. It was definitely a shock to me when I had first heard CPTSD, but after reading through resources I sobbed as I realized that it wasn't all me like I had been convinced. Thank you for feeling hopeful for my own healing journey, I truly appreciate that so much. I wish you the best with your continued healing and recovery as well

[Hope67]

Hi Pluto,
Welcome to OOTS   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Pluto