So scared

[juliaguarde]

I'm so scared to "mess things up," that I think I'll just get started by being honest about that.
I'm currently undiagnosed but when I read about relational trauma, my symptoms fit like a glove. It's interesting to me that so many of us seem to use the same phrase.  It's the one I used, at least, even before I'd seen anyone else use it.
I don't have safe enough relationships irl, at the moment. I'm hoping I can find that here.
It's my greatest hope and, therefore, my greatest fear.   
I'm terrified that I'm going to act out. That I'm going to need to post here and hurt someone inadvertently, or show my immature side, or I really don't know...
Potential tw




I was in therapy at 40, for "fibromyalgia", anxiety, and my therapist would only say "trauma".  This therapist recommended that I ask my mother for a break. After a few more months, I finally did. 
My mother had been upset with me - I had figured out (again) that she didn't love me, you see?  She couldn't love me because she didn't see me, hear me, or know me. I called her on it, believing that she would hear me, and try to change.  I was raised to believe that she knew and believed in therapy, 12-step, and wanted me and my brother to be able to "break the cycle." 
She relapsed (alcohol) when I was 16, got sober when I was 17, made amends, and we moved forward.
She encouraged me and my brother to go to Alanon and therapy regularly throughout my life.
I'm so confused- even now - why would she encourage us to get help when she didn't really want us out of her control?  It was another mind game is all I can think of.
It was 2 years later that I began to see that she not only didn't love me, she was deliberately cruel and manipulative. Someone asked me if I'd thought about her having a personality disorder. It clicked and finally, I began to see the truth.
End tw





I'm closer to 45 now and I'm not sure I'm ready to connect, but I do know that I want to.
My story is very long so I'll just end for now.
I'm grateful to all of you for being here. Jazzy, thank you for your Welcome Guests post. Kizzie, thank you for moderating and creating this group. Others, for privacy I won't name, thank you for sharing. You have helped me normalize myself more times than I can count.   
Psychology isn't evil, it's helpful, but, for me at least, it's been used against me far too often.  My own mind uses it against me. Even down to the 13 step flashback management. I've found that - here - there are ways around that trap in my mind. I'm relieved and grateful.
For support, this is the place I need to spend my time right now. Finding acceptance with where I am and who I am in the moment.

[zanzoken]

Hi Juliaguarde, welcome to the forum.     I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you've suffered, and the challenges you are experiencing.  Being without safe and supportive relationships among the people in your life is really difficult... it's something I struggle with too.  But I believe OOTS is a safe place, with good people who just want to help, so I'm glad you are here.

It looks to me like you have done a lot of work to understand yourself and the trauma you've been faced with.  That takes a lot of courage, and is very commendable.  I hope you'll be able to continue to build on that foundation and find the peace and acceptance you're looking for.

I wish you all the best, and hope to see you around the forum. 

[Kizzie]

HI and a warm welcome to OOTS Julia     We're a friendly and respectful group and no-one will push you to post until you are ready.

I was thinking of Alice Miller when I read your post, a well-known and beloved trauma professional whose son accused her after her death of abusing him and his sister.  I personally believe part of her wanted to be a healthy parent, but the trauma she experienced in the war seeped into her family life and parenting, she could not hold it back. She knew intellectually, intuitively about trauma but emotionally not so much.  Her son wrote a book about her and a blog article here https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers?offset=1568418617016.  It might help shed some light on your M's behaviour.

I hope you find info and support you're looking for here 

[juliaguarde]

Hi Juliaguarde, welcome to the forum.     I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you've suffered, and the challenges you are experiencing.  Being without safe and supportive relationships among the people in your life is really difficult... it's something I struggle with too.  But I believe OOTS is a safe place, with good people who just want to help, so I'm glad you are here.

It looks to me like you have done a lot of work to understand yourself and the trauma you've been faced with.  That takes a lot of courage, and is very commendable.  I hope you'll be able to continue to build on that foundation and find the peace and acceptance you're looking for.

I wish you all the best, and hope to see you around the forum. 

Thank you so much. I feel very moved.
I'm so sorry you struggle as well.
Hello 

HI and a warm welcome to OOTS Julia   
I was thinking of Alice Miller when I read your post, a well-known and beloved trauma professional whose son accused her after her death of abusing him and his sister.  I personally believe part of her wanted to be a healthy parent, but the trauma she experienced in the war seeped into her family life and parenting, she could not hold it back. She knew intellectually, intuitively about trauma but emotionally not so much.  Her son wrote a book about her and a blog article here https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers?offset=1568418617016.  It might help shed some light on your M's behaviour.

I hope you find info and support you're looking for here 

Wow, just, wow  Yes, I see now how it could have been like that.  His way of describing his own narrative helped me understand it in a way I hadn't before.

Hey back. Thank you  😊  :cloud9:for the welcome

[Kizzie]