First Post - Suggestions Welcome

[outside91]

Hi everyone,

I have a generalized anxiety disorder and CPTSD.  I had 3 tough times in my childhood/teens.  The first two times I got over the depression and fear organically - just naturally on my own over time.

However the third time I was unable to come out of it.  There was a point where my thinking sped up (hyper vigilant), my vision became blurry and I felt like I was in a fog or a dream.  I explained this to my doctor and a parent at the time but nobody understood it.  I began taking anti-depressants but this body state remained locked in and I've never gotten back to living in my body again.  I have been locked into this state for 13 years and fear never getting back to normal.  I hold a lot of tension around my head and I feel like I am always clenching or bracing around my head.

Well my biggest fear is not getting back into my body ever again - I have tried a lot of different things, meditation, somatic work, emdr, books, yoga, breathwork, etc...  Any success stories out there of people reclaiming their bodies and life again?  It's terrifying to not know if you'll ever be fully alive again.

Thanks and good luck to all of you.

[BeeKeeper]

Hello outside91,

You show a lot of perseverance and endurance. Don't let go of the desire to reclaim your body.

Sometimes getting over things naturally on our own time, either takes too long, or we've gone to a place where something more is needed. I am here to say that I've experienced the same 4 separate times in my life, and each recovery was unique and took a varying amount of time. The third time took 10 years.

You've tried many more modalities than I ever did, no emdr, yoga or breathwork. The fact that you've tried them brings a lot of positive energy your way. Throughout my life and experiences, there seems to be only one thing that's kept me functional throughout. Connection to another person or people who have innate capacity to empathize with others. 

Nothing beats feeling in your gut and heart you are truly heard and cared for. Since I had no method and no reliable strategy, it was trial and error. This connection could be anyone, professional or otherwise. I'm talking about the ability to see and connect authentically with another person who sees themselves as authentic too.

You've found a wonderful place to possibly make connections. Thanks for posting and reaching out.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Outside91 

I'm with Beekeeper re not giving up on finding the care you need that will help you move back into your body.  Sadly treatments for relational trauma and Complex PTSD are not as far along or as available as they need to be, but every day I see new people/models emerging. 

I am working on getting back into my body with my T and it is actually going well, slow but seems to be happening.  I don't intellectualize or dissociate as much, instead I try and notice what I feel in my body a little at a time (called titration) so it doesn't overwhelm me. It's a somatic approach, not exactly somatic experiencing, just focused on feeling what is going on in my body and listening to it (versus numbing it, intellectualizing, etc), and exploring it a bit until my body tells me it has had enough and needs to step back.

Hope some of this is helpful or at least hopeful   

[woodsgnome]

Hi, outside91 

I think it's safe to say you're not alone in the sort of things you've shared today. I know for sure I'm similar to what you report. Especially prevalent for me is the inability to fully connect with my body, which stems from a long history of cptsd, which started in earliest childhood but experienced many spikes in my adult years. Trusting that I can  or want to identify with this body has been a steep climb. The only certainty is that it doesn't get easier, and can be very discouraging.

Like you, I've also tried a number of approaches, am familiar with many I haven't 'dived' into, and can't really tell what's working or not. According to my therapist, I'm coming along in  mostly good ways, but it still feel like numbness characterizes most of what I feel, especially bodywise.

While I have no magic formula to escape this, I still have run into several surprises along the way, some very unique, and therefore hard to explain without lots of nuance.

It seems as if you have at least the self-recognition of where you haven't been, feeling fully embodied. Yet many probably don't have that reflective ability at all, or the courage, to even look at themselves beyond the superficial. Yet you have, so that seems a fair place to be. You can feel good about that, at least.

It's taken loads of self-acceptance and patience in ways that I didn't think would bear fruit, but which eventually did seem to offer some other possibilities. I'm still finding enough of these to at least not give up on discovering some new surprises which may help unlock things. My 'mantra' is to not be surprised if I run into more surprises.

Back to where I started here, though -- you are not alone!!! 

[Armee]

I relate to a lot of what you wrote and am very far from being "back" in my body though I'm not sure I ever inhabited it since I don't think things were ok even as an infant.

It's a constant fight to be reasonably present but then sometimes I unexpectedly have these big breakthroughs. So I hope slowly and piece by piece I gain some normal human experiences. One was discovering what it means to feel your feet. Over and over my therapist would tell me...feel your feet, feel your feet feel your feet. So I would dig my toes into my shoes till I could feel the circulation cutting off. Then one day about two years into this, I was dissociating and thought "feel your feet" and for some reason had the instinct to breathe down...to push my out breath down into my body instead of up and out and wham there are my feet! I can feel them! Then that feeling migrated to my legs and sometimes down my arms. Another time I learned that I was not looking at objects with both eyes and lacked depth perception making the world blurry and flat. That was just a few months ago and now I have depth perception I never knew was missing.

All that to say, it can happen slowly and piece by piece and maybe it won't be complete but each new improvement can be really exciting. So don't give up!