too many triggers too many times

[sanmagic7]

amen, dante   

[Kizzie]

I'm more scared of losing my mind than anything else. 

This is my deepest fear too San, that I will break apart at some point when past or present traumatic stress gets to be too much.  It's another thing I don't ever think I've written here and only recently told my T and H. I've just been too scared to let myself acknowledge it.  Between COVID, my H's stroke, my relationship with my son (which thankfully has improved). and aging though I can't seem to stuff it down any more.

I don't want to derail your thread so I won't say anything more, just wanted you to know I share the fear and if we can comfort one another, share what helps that might end up being a good thing.  I find sharing a fear often defuels it. 

[Dante]

Amen Kizzie.  I share the same fear that at some point I'll just break apart so much I can't put the pieces back together anymore.  Well said and thanks for helping me to see that.

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thanks for your courage in admitting this.    same for you, dante.    it brought tears to my eyes, actually, relief to know this is a real thing, not just something i was concocting.  it was one of my deciding factors when i left home and went to mexico.   even tho my body was beginning to break down with chronic illnesses, losing my sanity felt worse than losing my life.  it was a different kind of death, but a death all the same, and i knew i was dying in the midst of the toxicity.  which is why i believe i ran for my life.

kizzie, along w/ our c-ptsd issues, having that much additional trauma piled on in so short a time (glad things are improving w/ your son) can be deadly in a real sense.  physically, emotionally, mentally.  couldn't that be a part of the dissociative process?  our brains are attempting to keep that emotional part from dying by running away (in a sense)?  i don't know - just a thought.  at any rate, the feeling of my sanity ceasing to exist is my true fear, even when i didn't realize it.  i just knew.

i appreciate what you said, kizzie, and don't at all think of it as a hijacking of any sort.  it helped a lot.   

[Blueberry]

At Horrendous FOO Event no. 1, I dissociated so badly I lost my sanity for a couple of weeks. So I don't think your fears are unfounded. otoh I know better how to avoid getting in that state again and you probably do too, Kizzie and san. I don't know about you, Dante, sorry don't know you well enough.

Hope your feeling a bit better san 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, and i'm very sorry that happened to you.  i'm glad you got it back.    

i am feeling better, a bit more settled.  found a realization with my T, but i'll write more about that in my journal.

thank you so to everyone who responded.  you all are so courageous, generous, and genuine.  love and hugs to everyone.

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better San 

[Armee]

I'm so happy things are feeling more settled. It really can feel very scary when we don't know hownlong an episode will last. It helps to have someone who can get us anchored again.

[Kizzie]

There's a personal story by Cathy Kezelman I read some time ago that resonated because it captures/illustrates why many of us are deeply afraid of falling apart.  She's the founder of the Blue Knot Foundation and is doing great work now with relational trauma survivors and professionals now but as she herself writes:

despite the horrors I have experienced I know that I am privileged. I have had the resources and support to recover. Many don't.

TW as it is intense - https://www.blueknot.org.au/Portals/2/The%20upside%20of%20down%20-%20Cathy%20Kezelman.pdf

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thanks for the support and the resource.  even the line your wrote was intense for me, so, yeah.   

armee, thanks for the support and the wise words.  i totally agree.

my D and i were able to go for a short walk along a nature trail this morning, which felt like a step back to normalcy.  i so appreciate all the support and caring from everyone as i went thru this.  as armee mentioned, having someone to get us anchored is really helpful.  i found that someone(s) here on this forum.  thanks from my heart for helping me get thru this. 

[Kizzie]

Lovely to see you and your D walking along a trail in my mind's eye San 

[sanmagic7]

updating this, as it's happening again lately, only this time with remembrances of how my ex-hubs treated me during my pregnancies.  or, didn't treat me.  one bugged out when i was 7 1/2 mos., the other was adamantly not participating in anything i asked from him, except he did come into the delivery room w/ me, but stood somewhere behind me the whole time, never said a word to me, etc.  he was there in body only.

well, it's amazing how many tv shows my D and i have been watching lately that are dealing with the topic, and i've had to delete them from our watch-list for now because just seeing men want to be involved, be caring and affectionate, be birth partners or go to lamaze classes - it's undone me.  last week, a scene caused me to go completely numb for the rest of the evening.  while working on this w/ my T, the overwhelm of pain and hurt (and this was just one of them we were processing) completely unraveled my system.  my legs went wonky, i had to basically cuddle up, told my D i couldn't watch those programs right now, and am still suffering.

i've had to have sessions 3x this week just to stabilize me, reassure me i'm not making more of this than what it really was, and generally find ways to soothe my crushed and shredded emotional being.  we thought we were taking this is small pieces, only worked on one hub, but, honestly, i hadn't realized until this week just how badly i've been traumatized by that man.  so, the triggers have kept up their nefarious work, and i've been suffering for nearly an entire week now with body parts not functioning properly, stress levels thru the roof, and a profound sadness bordering on deep depression smothering me.

when i asked my T if this is simply trauma doing this, she immediately answered 'yes'.  the extent, depth, and all inclusiveness has me reeling.  i know it's poison that has to be extracted,, that it's the very thing that has gotten me and kept me sick all these years, but my heart and soul, what a price to pay.  it makes it very difficult to keep going when the very issue i'm working on ends up re-traumatizing me.  now it's hurting again jsut writing about this.  i don't know what else to do, except that we'll be working with the flash technique from now on.  my system, it's been made obvious to me, simply cannot take regular processing anymore. 

i just needed to get this out, discovered that i'd already gone thru something similar when i found this thread of mine.  well, it hasn't stopped, and it's so disheartening.

[sanmagic7]

i've come back to this topic because it's pertinent once again in my life.  because of the dynamic of 3 different people abusing me at the same time (icky L the T, my ex, and my D1) the triggers seem never ending because they are so interconnected.  i've talked to my T about this and she agrees, this isn't the 'normal' way abuse happens to people.

it's very difficult to get thru a day w/o being triggered by something.  often it's tv shows or movies i'm watching ( mostly comedies ) where there's some reference to a loving marriage, a wonderful parenting situation, a caring friend, etc.  and they take me by surprise and off i go.  lately, especially since my T's been sick for nearly a month, i haven't had the stabilization i'm used to from her.  as i was thinking about it today, i feel as if i'm beyond calming myself.

yesterday was jarring once again. *(*******TW ********  self-harm and threats to self


my D had gone on facebook, just scrolling thru friends' posts, when she came upon some guy who was self-harming on camera and threatening to kill himself live as well. 

end TW

my D was so upset by this, she was shaking, and i'm still carrying around the disturbance caused by hearing about this.  shades of D1 doing similar stuff in front of me.  before this, my instability has grown, has been causing stress flu, panic attacks, heightened anxiety.  i have no energy to soothe myself - i wanted to yesterday, but it just wasn't available.  last week when i heard my T still wasn't able to talk w/ me, i went into a manic episode for over an hour, then immediately slid into a floaty being.  my D commented on both.

even during processing, it's difficult to focus on one memory because everything is so attached, not only to each other but to my childhood as well.  i can't get thru any one thing when another takes over.  i'm struggling a lot to stay sane.  this morning, my T emailed me that she was quite sure we'd be able to talk next tues.  i can't stop these triggers from slapping me silly, and am finding it harder and harder to withstand the blow.

just needed to get this out of me.  it feels like a recurring theme, but it keeps coming around causing problems for me to withstand life.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your reflection on this.  It resonates with me to have triggers that are so blended together it is difficult to separate out what would be helpful and how to move forward.

[Kizzie]

It resonates with me too San - I'm truly sorry you're struggling.  I know it doesn't help much but sending you many