too many triggers too many times

[sanmagic7]

in therapy this morning, as i was processing an issue about my mex. hub that came up because of a trigger i saw on a tv show, both my previous hubs intruded on the processing.  i quickly became overwhelmed, and we had to do a containment dynamic to separate them, keep them caged up, until i am able to go thru the particular issue with them one at a time.

altho it's very common for me to be triggered into a neg. memory by a word, song, tv or movie scene (i rarely go thru a day without, and often have several in a day), this was a new phenomenon for me - being triggered while doing therapeutic processing to the point where i had to stop what i was doing and put each of them into compartments in order for me to feel safe and comfortable enough to look at this issue another day.

this wasn't the same as instances where i've been processing and something comes up that leads me back to a childhood issue.  this was the same issue with 3 hubs, all in adulthood at an adult level.   i don't know what will happen next time i speak to my t, nor if my containment strategy will work until i'm able to begin again.  anyone else with similar experience?  how did it play out?  anything for me to look for or expect? any opinions welcome.  thanks.

[Kizzie]

I don't have any experience with this particular reason for triggering San, just wanted to send some support and care your way as I know how exhausting that must be.   

I will say I've often wondered if relational trauma suffered in adulthood may result in some different symptoms than that developed via childhood trauma.  Have not come across anything about this but it seems likely or at least possible.  I don't know if research into CPTSD has come far enough to identify any differences just yet.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

I have no strategies here. I could feel pain from your post & want to say I'm thinking of you. May you access the inner resources you already possess.

[Blueberry]

this was a new phenomenon for me - being triggered while doing therapeutic processing to the point where i had to stop what i was doing and put each of them into compartments in order for me to feel safe and comfortable enough to look at this issue another day.

san, I read this yesterday but wanted to let it sift a bit in my head or somewhere.

I have been triggered this badly in processing through some intrusion. I don't think it's happened within the last few years. Yeah no, it was more when I and/or my T - previous ones, that is - was pushing me too hard. (Which may not be the reason in your case at all.) There were some big intrusions when I was getting over a T who did spiritual healing alongside therapy. This T was the huge intruder. The way this T treated me - you could maybe say it was a case of relational trauma in adulthood, though I always defined it as a retraumatisation.

I can't really say what there could be to look for nor can I explain how things played out. At that time and in a good few subsequent years, containment strategies didn't work reliably for me. They do now, mostly. If they don't, then I have ways of coping with that too.  My present T worked so long and hard with me on these types of things that that's why they work now imo. But this also may just be me and my process. 

If you have any specific questions, I could maybe answer them. Sending you care and support. I too know how exhausting all this stuff can be. 

[Armee]

I hope you are feeling better, San, and can continue the processing with things more contained. If the triggering was that intense and with all three hubs it seems like it might be something really important to work through (with care).

I haven't had the exact experience you've had. But I still relate to the feeling of too many triggers all at once. For me it was things happening in the present that are triggering for the past and multiple instances of the same trigger becoming completely overwhelming. It feels like being knocked over, over and over.

[Snowdrop]

I don't know if this is relevant, but in IFS you can have multiple parts holding on to the same trauma or pattern, or being affected by it in different ways. I can see that processing an issue relating to one hub might activate parts who are holding issues relating to another.

I know you're using EMDR and not IFS, but I thought I'd post this anyway in case it sparks any thoughts.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to ask how you're doing San?

[sanmagic7]

first, thank you all  (kizzie, bee, blueberry,, armee, and snowdrop) for your thoughtful replies.  much appreciated - they warmed my heart.

second, i really appreciated that several people said that being triggered so often would be exhausting.  i never thought of that, but it makes sense and could be part of the problem as to why i am so very tired, feeling unrested even after a decent night's sleep.  thanks for that observation.

third, my T and I are really very careful about going slow and processing sometimes only parts/pieces of an issue because it could be overwhelming if i were to tackle it whole.  this particular incident took both of us off guard, and she scurried to help me get to a point where all 3 hubs could be contained separately.  that image has been helpful since fri. whenever one of them has veered into my mind - i've been able to imagine myself pushing his cage back to the rear of the warehouse into the shadows so i can't see him anymore.

i'm glad none of you have had this experience.  in my case, especially in my adulthood, all the abuse from one person seems to be connected to others, so the intrusions have happened before but not like this.  before it's been possibly related issues, like my ex hub, my ex T and D1 having triple-teamed me for years, all at the same time,  when working on one person i could see how it related to and connected to the others, and with my T's help we were able to separate them because the issues were different, even tho connected.

this was the exact same issue         ***********TW*********** marital sex issues 

all 3 ended up withholding sex from me even when i was ready and willing.  one hub cheated on me w/ other women, one cheated on me with porn women, and the third had hip surgery, was given the 'all clear' for sex, but was too scared and wouldn't speak with a doc or therapist to help him get over his fear thru reassurance.   **********end TW***********

at any rate, while working on this one issue with my mex hub, i was quickly flooded with the faces of my other 2 exes and how they hurt, humiliated me, made me feel like a fool.  neither my T nor i had any idea this would happen, and we stopped the processing right away and went to figuring out how to contain this. 

as far as parts goes, i don't really understand how that could happen, unless it was my 20-something yr. old for hub #1, 20 years of my 30's and 40's part, and 10 years of my 60's part for the other 2.  thanks for the idea, tho.

kizzie, in my case, these relational hits seem more up front and more difficult to deal with than my childhood issues.  childhood issues, altho i experience the triggers of a memory or situation, and i have done a lot of processing on them, they don't seem to have the same impact as these adult instances.  it may be (and this is just a thought right now) that i've been able to remove myself more easily in childhood situations because of the fact that i was a child and was dependent upon the adults in my life to protect me.  actions, behaviors, thought processes and the like that i've allowed to happen in my adult life - and that might be an underlying symptom right there, that i allowed to happen, i chose these partners, i didn't recognize the red flags (or ignored them) - that i had more responsibility for the adult abuse than the child abuse, so i am partly to blame.

wow, that brought tears to my eyes.  i can more easily put the blame on others when i was a kid, more easily take blame for abuse when i was an adult.  so, yeah, i carry around guilt, shame, and responsibility for adult abuse, whereas i more easily and  readily left those to the adults in my childhood. maybe not different symptoms, but certainly more difficult for me to work thru as they hold a greater amount of intensity and are much denser and heavier.  the 'i should have known better, i had the power to get out' syndrome.  it's something worth thinking about.

i will keep processing all this - it's been cumulatively about 40 years of this issue being played out by different husbands.  it's a lot to unpack.  thanks again.  love to you all.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie.  i just posted a response, and theorized on your point about difference in symptoms in relational abuse as an adult compared to a child.

i'm doing ok, still struggling, but right now it's more manageable.  i talk to my T tomorrow, so i'll be following up then.  i'll ask for her opinion on possible differences, too, and if she has anything to add, i'll pass it along to you.  i appreciate you checking in.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

  - my first impulse on reading all that. That is so so so much to be dealing with all at once and your realisations on top of it. Just one realisation used to send me reeling, flying for days even weeks. It is all so exhausting when you're in there.

I'm really glad that your T goes slowly and carefully, that she hurried with the containments It sounds like you're in good, capable hands. Somebody who listens to you and takes you seriously.

You sound very clear in your post with a strength within the clarity. I imagine the exhaustion might make you feel weak - always does to me - but I sense a strength through your words.

I think you would have got out of those situations with your exes sooner if you could have. The blame lies with them, the shame too. Responsibility - there too, you would have if you could have. I'll leave it to others further on in their recovery to respond further. I don't have real clarity of emotions on any of that.

We are here to listen and support you. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you're beautiful.  i don't have enough words to tell you how much your validation and support mean to me.  your observations on what i wrote - well, it's a lot that i hadn't realized for myself.  thank you so.

my T is indeed wonderfully in my corner, very caring and careful with me.  heaven sent, i think.

you know, i do believe you're right about getting out of those marriages sooner if i'd known what i was looking at.  thank you, too, for putting that blame and shame where they belong, which are really not mine to carry.  i've just heard that kind of thing a lot from others, even about my responsibility for the relationship with my first NPD therapis, so it's refreshing to hear something completely different here. 

being listened to and supported still feels a bit unreal, a bit distressing.  i want to cry from reading what you wrote.  thank you so much.

[Kizzie]

I was trying to imagine what you experienced San as I read your post and one difference that came to mind re abuse in adulthood is that it was three different people at 3 separate times.

For most of us when we were abused in children it was the same person or people, parents usually and took place in one continuous stream. It seems like it would be different from a psychological perspective. As you describe it it sounds like those discrete traumatizations merged into one big bucket of trauma which really would be quite overwhelming.

I know you feel guilt and shame because the trauma happened when you were an adult but can I just echo BB and say that survivors don't have the same capacity or skills to recognize and fend off abusers?  We never learned or were trained not to listen to our gut feelings, had to be caring and nice and give others the benefit of the doubt, ignore our needs and wants .... It's fallout from the past that seeps into the present.

Just my opinion but I do think you should still look to the past to figure out what happened in adulthood, what is still haunting you and hampering adult relationships.

Kizzie 

[Dante]

I agree with Kizzie.  I have very poor boundaries, am a people pleaser, and say yes to things that I know are going to be detrimental for the sake of avoiding conflict, sometimes (often) at great expense to myself.  I'm 50, so I'm old enough to know better - and I do (sort of) - but I just go on autopilot anyway.  For me, it's about learning to be willing to face conflict short term for the sake of long term health (and sanity).

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, you make a good point about childhood abuse usually being done by the same person(s) over and over, while adult abuse can often be from different people.  in this case it was also the same issue from all 3 hubs.  while working on the issue from one, the other 2 suddenly appeared unexpectedly, and that's what overwhelmed me.  i also understand that it was what i was taught (or not taught) in childhood to encourage me to make the choices of partners and staying with them too long.  i've worked a lot on childhood issues, understand how they came to be, and also, logically, know how they played a part in my adulthood relationships.

i've never really felt shame or self-blame until very recently, either, which is why these 2 feelings are popping up as i'm working these adult issues out.  they just hadn't been part of my emotional menu until i learned about c-ptsd and began working on those issues in particular.  never knew i'd been traumatized before that, it had never been brought up to me in more than 30 years of therapy, and, in fact, my first T was NPD and traumatized me severely.

so, i've been playing with a rigged deck, and as much as i've worked on issues i've recognized in the past, the whole idea of trauma, understanding what role trauma has played in my life, how much has been there, and how it's affected me personally is all fairly new.  it's only since i've been connected to the forum that i've gotten clues, and only since i've gotten together with my present T that i've been truly helped with delving into everything about it in my life - and that's only been about 1 1/2 years now.

i value your opinion, your caring, and your support.  thank you for all of it.   

dante, i agree with you about the short term and long-term effects when it comes to conflict.  i'll be 74 in 2 months, and it's only been in the past 6 years that i was able to begin setting boundaries.  i've eliminated nearly everyone from my past life because i was finally able to see the truth about how those relationships were affecting me.  to this date, i have 5 people i allow myself to have contact with, and have no plans on anything more.  i used to be just as you described.  and, i also agree about saving both health and sanity - i'm more scared of losing my mind than anything else.  thank you for your support on this.  boundaries can be extremely difficult to determine and hold, and i wish you the best with that.

snowdrop, i spoke with my T today about the IFS angle, and she thought it was a protector part i'd developed when i was about 13-14 that has been helping me survive throughout my life.  we didn't go into details, (i've got enough on my plate right now without throwing more into the mix) but just wanted to let you know i did look into it.  the way my T explained it made sense to me.  it's pretty amazing when i think of it, kind of like a guardian angel, to my mind.  i'm grateful for her, tho.  thanks for bringing this up.   

[Dante]

I too have eliminated pretty much everyone from my past.  Unfortunately, I've wound up being responsible for my mother (and I realize now I always have been), so I have to let her talk at me once a week, but other than that, I have 2 or 3 friends from the past 2 or 3 years, and my immediate family.  No relationship with anyone else from the family, including siblings.  I burned all the pictures, threw away or donated all the gifts, even burned my college degrees because college was a really bad time for me and I just didn't want the memories or expectations that I felt came with it.

There is one thing I have learned in the last several years, and I firmly believe it applies to me - and probably also applies to you.  I'm not the crazy one; my reactions were perfectly logical (even if they weren't appropriate).  It's everyone else who's crazy.  I'm lucky because at least I know what's wrong with me.