Getting started ... again

[Dante]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, and trying to start on the path to healing.  Again.  One of the things about being locked down during the pandemic is that it's given me a lot of time to think about the past.  I mean a lot of time.  Too much time.  I'm stuck in my own head.

I've been previously diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD and have practiced (and sometimes still practice, though I'm working on it) unhealthy ways of self-medicating.  I've been on numerous different antidepressants and antianxiolytics with limited success.

Last summer, I came across "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.  I also read several other books that helped me to understand that what I'd struggled with all my life wasn't (necessarily) that I was bad, stupid, worthless, and a whole host of of other things.  I tried reading the book twice, and got in a few chapters, but even while it was a relief to finally put a name to my pain, it was also just really overwhelming.  I tried working with a few therapists who didn't really help, because they were just focused on CBT.  I'm sure that's valuable to some people, but my problem is already I ruminate and think too much, so telling me to think more doesn't really help.  Plus, when I'm in a flashback, thinking doesn't work at all.  Anyway, doesn't matter.  I put the book and the therapists down for several months and retreated back into unhealthy coping strategies.  I'm trying now to restart healing.  Instead of reading the book, I found an audiobook version and have started listening.  While it's still hard to process, so far I've found the narration more soothing and less triggering for my OCD where I read and reread obsessively afraid that I will miss something.

One of the things that has been a major issue for me is that I know I have gaps in my memory and understanding, and I obsessively feel the need to try to connect those dots, but I know that I need to accept that I never will be able to.  There are things I can't remember, and things that I can't understand, and that just is what it is.  One of the side effects of that is that I created a narrative to try to connect the unconnectable so at least I could present as a whole intact person with a history, but I think part of what drove me to finally try to heal was finally recognizing both the existence of the gaps and the existence of the narrative, and how the narrative had taken me to places far away from who I really think I want to be.  I don't feel like there is a real me, but I do somewhere deep inside of a feeling of I would want the real me to be if there was one.

I don't really know how to get started or how to process what I'm feeling.  I have so much pent up <something I don't have the word for> inside, and I'm just tired of living like this. 

Thanks for letting me share.  I'm hoping that in time I'll be a little more focused on doing something positive instead of just talking.  But just being able to talk to other people who understand is a relief.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Dante 

[Dante]

Thank you, Blueberry.  I'm trying to figure out how to navigate sharing enough to get started without oversharing.  I've never really been able to share with anyone (even therapists), so I'm sure I am veering to far towards oversharing, but I'm working on a balance.  I appreciate your welcome.

[Larry]

Hi Dante,  welcome

[Dante]

Thank you, Larry.

[marti.325]

Hello Dante,
I'm not on this forum too often, but I'm glad you wrote this out. I have cPTSD and also read Pete Walker. It took a while to get "back" into my body as I suffer from severe emotional neglect. That becomes clearer and clearer as I go on. I also had few memories going in to all of this. What I realized was that those memories provided a context. They were not isolated events. The memory of my mother not holding my hand when I was 3 or 4 years old (not even sure of my age), when she switched to holding her hat with the hand I reached for, the look on her face (in the photograph - I remember that moment) , the look on my face (very sad and bereft), tells me a lot. Other memories have been similar. I also have plenty of gaps in my childhood and teen memories. My memory still isn't great even for adult memories. I've been going to a Somatic Experiencing therapist for over 3 years now. It has helped a LOT. I feel more, not always great to feel, but it means I'm more in the present. Right now I'm going through a real rough patch, but it's another layer of the trauma coming up and out. When I'm not in this state my life has definitely improved. I'm more engaged with it. People are still difficult, but, today, at least, I can be gentle with myself about it.
I hope you read this and find something of help here. Be gentle with yourself.

[Dante]

Thank you Marti.   I've come a long way in the last 6 weeks.  This place has helped me put the pieces I already had in context.  I still have a long way to go, but when I read that original post, I can see how far I have come. Thank you for responding to it.

[marti.325]

 

Glad to read your message. Yes, context has been really important for me, too, around trauma and the "soup" I was in in my bio-family.

[Larry]

so good to hear !