(TW) Hello everyone I just recently found OOTS

[Complexdream]

TW

Hello everyone,
i just recently found this forum and Im really glad. I felt extremely alone with everything.


I have known for about six months that I have a trauma disorder. Half a year ago I had a strong retraumatisation and attempted suicide.
I thought for a long time that I only had PTSD because I didn't feel that my childhood was really traumatising. I moved out of my parents house about three months ago and a lot of traumatic stuff came up. I started to realise that a lot of traumatic things actually happened in my childhood that seemed normal to me.

I have had a very strong compulsion to wash since I was ten. I was diagnosed with severe OCD. I was in numerous clinics and residential groups in my youth because of my washing compulsion and not a single clinic was able to help me. I always feel incredibly dirty at the end of the day.
I had to drop out of school because of my severe compulsive washing and I used to have very strong social anxiety. I also developed anorexia at the age of sixteen.

I am twenty now. My compulsive washing is now a bit more under control, but I doubt it will ever go away. I suspect that I was sexually abused as a child. I feel like there are things I cant remember. Like half of my childhood.

My parents are very supportive and try to help me as much as possible. My mother has a trauma disorder herself and I think she has unconsciously passed a lot of it on to me. The relationship with my parents is very complicated.

I understand more about myself every day and learn to deal with CPTSD better. Therapy is really complicated for me because I have extreme trust isssues towards everyone.

I am working very hard on myself at the moment and I  feel like that I am making a lot of progress.

Thanks for reading !

[Armee]

I'm so glad you are here at the forum and here still in the world.   

I know it must feel like a lot to heal from. But you are starting therapy really young and that is so good. I waited until I was 40 and wish I had started healing sooner. 

Welcome to the forum. 

[BeeKeeper]

Welcome complexdream! 

Glad you found us, it's been a relief to me to have OOTS here, it might be the same for you too.  You can ask or say anything without fear of being rejected. (Read those Guidelines though!  ) It's no small thing to be alone in suffering, and knowing that other people have been through similar experiences and tried different things gives each of us a great "menu" of strategies to potentially try.

I am working very hard on myself

From your description, this is an understatement. And you've been at it for a long while too. Life is so complex, it's hard to figure it all out. I'm a great grandmother and I still haven't done it, but each day get a bit more understanding about what's important.

Definitely agree with Armee, starting at your age, is MUCH better than figuring it out years later. We're with you! 

[Dante]

Hi complexdream, welcome.  I am relatively new to the forum itself, but I've already found some relief.  I hope you do also.

[Larry]

Hi and welcome !

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Complexdream  Glad you found your way here and I hope the community and resources can be of some help as you figure things out.