I have fleas

[Widdiful Falling]

I just read cat's post on emotional abuse, and while it was excellent, it also made me really, really sad and uncomfortable.

I am guilty of looking at people like two-dimensional objects sometimes. Especially while I'm at work. This is one of the reasons I know I can never stay in customer service long-term, and why I try to limit my interactions with the customers. I usually start out alright, but by the end of the day, instead of people, I can only see potential problems walking through the door. I'm polite, and courteous, but I tend to become polite and courteous in a really robotic way.

It reminds me of the way my M treats people. She had a customer service job, and she said she was sick of working with people. I told her its a learning experience, and that it's kind of cool to learn about each customer individually. She said it was fun to learn at one point, but now she's seen it all, and can't learn anymore. She knows how to interact with every stereotype she has labeled in her head. The thing is, that's not human interaction. That is objectification at its finest. I find myself wishing for some sort of very specific flow chart I can use, though. Objectifying people is just easier.

I also try to rationalize my mistakes to people. I also accept them, apologize for them, and try to do better, but I still feel compelled to justify all my actions, and I think it makes it seem as though I'm trying to deflect blame. I should probably just apologize and shut up, but here I am, rationalizing. The thing is, I'm so used to living in a crazy household, where every mistake I made was because I'm clearly mentally unbalanced and evil, that I don't expect people to be able to guess the reasoning behind my actions correctly. So when I've made a mistake, instead of "WF, you've made a reasonable mistake that a thousand people have before," I hear "WF, you are crazy and evil for even thinking such a thing is allowed. Maybe if you stop being so crazy and/or evil, you will stop making mistakes like this one." So I feel compelled to defend my sanity by explaining how I arrived at the mistake I made. It hasn't been brought to my attention, but I think it makes it seem like I'm deflecting blame. I suppose, in a way, I am. I'm apologizing for the wrong thing. Instead of "I'm sorry I made this mistake," it turns into "I'm sorry I'm a terrible person who is crazy and/or evil." It's nuts.

[Sandals]

I hear you - I have fleas, too. It's hard not to overcompensate on the programming we received as a child. 

I have 2 things that I'm working on:

1) Healing the inner child. So much comes back to this. Letting her know that the things that were done & said to her were wrong...that she's safe now and that the universe is actually a friendly place. It's hard for her to believe and trust in that, but the more reassurances she has and the more adamant you are that those things that were done were wrong, bit by bit, she will learn to trust in it.

2) Being vulnerable. This is tied to the above, but it's also so much more than that. Having the courage to be vulnerable is actually leading in this world. It's not a message that many people in the entire world grow up with. Have you watched any of Brene Brown's talks on vulnerability? They're a great inspiration.

[C.]

Explaining oneself.  I hear you.  I find this to be one of those continuum topics.  Like sometimes it's important and appropriate to explain why something happened, maybe to prevent the situation from happening again or to clarify a misunderstanding.  And sometimes it's just a kind of "so what" oops, every bumps in to another person every once in a while kind of thing. 

I know I struggle w/being on either end of the spectrum.  When I feel threatened I tend to freeze, so when a boss is sincerely wanting more information, but I feel threatened, it's like my brain freezes and I have a hard time explaining what happened, fueling the fire unfortunately a few times.  So I've "clammed up" at times when I ought to have been more verbal. 

Then, about 10 years ago I noticed a co-worker would explain a little more w/some situations and it really helped w/communication and in order for the other person to have more empathy for what happened.  So for things like being a little late I like to explain b/c it allows the other to express empathy and know it wasn't out of disrespect for their time.

But explaining away ourselves, yeah that's not needed...you're great as is WF 

Sandals, I love how you have two things you're working on.  They are big, but it sounds manageable that way and like you can see your progress. 

[Kizzie]

Yes, the justifying and explaining and defending - when you grow up with abusers they do look for any little thing to use against you and so you come to believe you must be perfect. And if we aren't, well we are vulnerable and people will hurt us. As you say WF, we end up apologizing for being us rather than for "making a reasonable mistake a thousand people have made before."  It is difficult to be vulnerable Sandals, but I think it's a big step in recovery, maybe the step.

I am trying not be be perfectionistic these days when I make a mistake.  I'm getting there but it's a back and forth struggle.  I oscillate between wanting to turtle up and hide away for a bit, and knowing the sky will not fall and even if someone chooses to be abusive toward me because of the mistake, that is their problem and not that I am a failure. 

A few times recently,  when I've caught myself starting to JADE because the person won't accept my apology I've stopped and said instead, "Yes, I've made a mistake, now let's move on."  And if the other person won't move on, I back away and let it be their problem to deal with.

Then there are times  I end up with a delightful litte surprise when the other person accepts my apology straight up and simply moves on. So there are  healthy people out there and no doubt we will find more and more of them as we recover and open ourselves up to the possibility.

[no_more_fear]

What you said about working in customer service hit home, Widdiful Falling. I enjoyed it too, but like you have said, found it easier to deal with customer's by what they bought, so in effect labelling them, instead of looking beyond to the people they were. I would like to work in that field again one day because I think maybe I'd do it better than before. Maybe not though.

That feeling as if you're crazy? Yep, there all the time. I keep telling mysellf though, my problems all stem from my horrific childhood and while I accept my mistakes, it all comes from some other place, another time. Though, in a way, that feels as if I'm again not accepting full responsibility. It's a minefield!