Dante's Journal

[Dante]

I just found this today, and this is probably a better place to put some of the things I've put in threads before now.  Plus it seems like a good way to track time, cause goodness knows my brain's not up to that task.

After years of finding ways to self-medicate that I don't want to talk about, and being misdiagnosed a hundred different ways that I don't care to name and treated with medicines that didn't help, I finally came across CPTSD last summer when I started reading "Complex PSTD: From Surviving to Thriving".  I got a chapter in and completely fell apart.  I put it down for several months, then tried again and got a few more chapters in before falling apart.  I found this site last summer too, but wasn't at a point where I was ready to start ... whatever it is I'm starting.  I finally got the book on tape (is there such a thing as a book on tape anymore) and have been listening to it.  I'm not far in, but the narrator is soothing, and I've gotten better at putting it down when it gets overwhelming.

Right now, I have a lot going on in my life, even outside of trying to "fix me" - both personal and professional.  I'm overcommitted, and not handling it well.  Last night, I fell apart again, again in ways I don't want to talk about.  This morning, I wound up with a solid 9 hours of meetings, several of which had no agenda, and required me to prepare materials on a few hours notice, while on top of dealing with family issues.  This morning while driving, I did something I've never done before and after getting completely wound around the axle, just screamed at the top of my lungs.  My throat is still killing me, though my soul feels better.  Although in hindsight, I shouldn't have done it whilst driving, because my pulse was racing so hard that I thought I would have a heart attack, and I almost blacked out.  Thankfully, I made it safely home, got through the rest of the day (albeit messily).

So that's where I'm starting from.  I don't know what else to say today.

[Armee]

 

I hope your sore throat finds something soothing. Good for you though letting it out. It sounds like you've been in a pressure cooker for a long time. Start letting that steam out little by little. 

[Dante]

Thank you Armee.

[Dante]

I was going to write a long post about my history and how I got the way I am (cause I've spent a LOT of time ruminating about it).  But I've done that so many times with so many therapists that I just don't feel like it.  Maybe some other time.   Plus I somehow feel like I have an obligation to justify my right to be here, because I've spent my right justifying my right to be ... well, erm, me .... or, erm, anything at all ... or, erm, even to exist.  So I'm pushing back on that today.  I didn't ask to be born, but because I was, I have the same right to exist and be me that anyone else does.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Instead, I'll celebrate some little victories. 

Yesterday was rough.  I've been a survivor and good at holding things together for as long as I can remember, but at some stage I just started morphing away from who I even felt I was in my soul.  I'm far enough away now that I can't see where I started and I'm trying to get back.  Yesterday, I think, was the first day that I Just completely fell apart and couldn't put myself back together (I'm really good with super glue and duck tape of the soul).  But I made it through yesterday, and I haven't quit and I'm here today, and so, yeah.

A few days ago, I posted about "positive flashbacks" in a thread, and I appreciated all of the responses.  It made me think more about it, and I finally realized that these "positive flashbacks" aren't flashbacks at all in the true sense of EFs.  They're more like memories that I think I finally realize that I've obsessively rehearsed and played back so many times that they're stuck on rewind - and have been intrusive for a long time (which I knew, that's why I referred to them as flashbacks).  It's like I'm holding on to broken things that need to be thrown out and replaced, but that I can't seem to part with.  I think it will help me to be more mindful that when those memories intrude again, that I can see that I need to not replay them.  In most cases, they aren't good anyway.  They were something good that ended badly, and I'm choosing to remember all the good parts up to the end and skip the bad ending, and that's not truth and I want to live truth, even if I don't know what past and truth and reality is.  Yet.

I also posted about trying to be invisible (because that's how I survived in my family, otherwise and often even so, I was the scapegoat).  To the extent of having a blank wallpaper on my computer so I wouldn't be judged.  When I have picked wallpapers in the past, I've picked them based on how I thought others would perceive me if/when they saw them.  And they never lasted long, because (a) it wasn't something I wanted anyway, and (b) I didn't have the confidence to keep them.  I picked a wallpaper I liked yesterday.  It is pastel and artistic and soothing and not at all like what worried-about-how-I-look-me would pick.  Dante (which is the name my inner child chose) approves of it and smiles.

I'm starting today to detox from caffeine.  I've done it before, and I know it will be miserable, but the caffeine is working against my anxiety.  Over the last few weeks, I got down to one cup of caffeinated coffee, and finished the of my caffeinated coffee yesterday and have only decaf now (I like my coffee, it soothes my soul in a way that tea does not, even though I enjoy tea).

Time to start my day.  Thanks for this safe place to share.

[sanmagic7]

the term 'messily' is very much in my vocabulary when it comes to healing wounds.  this past week i've been messy all over the place.  i don't think it matters much how smoothly our recovery goes - the fact that we're in the ring against this beast is what counts in my mind.

glad you got some goodies to celebrate.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Dante,

I'm so glad you "found" the journals and have started your own. If there's one thing you can feel confident about here, it's NEVER having to justify your presence. It's exhausting to recount history, you're right. Besides, you've given a lot of history in your posts elsewhere. So thanks to sharing yourself and trusting the forum.

Re: positive flashbacks: at one time, some memories used to be comforting, and then playing the full tape somehow  allows me to notice that what "isn't any more." At least that's the way I read the let down at the end.  I've tried a variation which is to play a small snippet, and assign that like a placeholder. It works a lot of time.

You've made great efforts to filter all your actions through others judgment; that seems to widen the gap between who you felt you were in your soul, and who you are today. I know it did for me. But as time goes along, and you start to honor Dante and any other person/entity/child/teen or young adult who resides within you, the place you want to "get back" to might change and it might even be better or safer than you can imagine right now. I wish you well! 

Yesterday's falling apart was a temporary state. And as you said, you're good with super glue and duck tape of the soul. The important thing is to live through today, trying again with whatever you choose. Detoxing from caffeine is really tough. May you be shielded from all ill effects.

[Dante]

Thank you both!  Today was a better day, though it was not as perfect as I wanted it to be.  I can't believe I still make mistakes, when I've clearly been told I'm not allowed to.   

[Dante]

I started posting to a thread, and came to realize something I hadn't before.  I need to process it some before I share it elsewhere, because.  Well, because.  As I've shared elsewhere, my M is a toxic, manipulative, charming, overbearing, controlling NPD.  She has been diagnosed with PTSD from her own abusive childhood, never with NPD (what?  her?  but she's so sweet!).  My F I suspect had PTSD from abuse from clergy.  My M devalued me my whole life and made me feel like I didn't matter.  Still does.  Will never change.  My F was absent - and I understand now, it was probably in part to protect himself from her - I'm sure her rages caused him EFs as well.  His main impact on my life was threefold; first, making sure I always knew how far from his expectations I'd wandered (and it was often far), what a dissapointment I was, and not protecting me from her.  Before he died, I shared with him what growing up with her was like.  He disregarded it, which didn't surprise me.  He never could accept anything bad about her.  But he did make a repair attempt.  It was too little too late and damage done.  But I never really thought before now about what that took for him to try to do that.  He never apologized once, nor has my M, but he at least made an attempt before he died, however brief, to try to understand me as a person.  I hadn't valued that before, because I was so busy being angry and resentful.  Wow.  This has kind of upended my day.

[sanmagic7]

such realizations can, indeed, be mind-boggling.  thanks for sharing - i've had similar experiences after the fact.  love and hugs

[woodsgnome]

Your experience with your parents resembles mine and involved the same sort of blinders on my part. I'm also only just beginning to see it.

You said, "I hadn't valued that before, because I was so busy being angry and resentful." Same here.

The adjustments come slow, however, as the residue of anger/resentment run very deep. Altering the view can even turn in surprising ways.   

[Dante]

Thank you both.  Peeling the layers of an onion, I guess.

[Armee]

That is a powerful realization. It doesn't make any of what they put you through ok, it doesn't excuse them for not making amends. But he did t a little and what he tried would have been hard for him.

[Dante]

Thanks, Armee.  Part of me doesn't like this relevation, it was simpler just to be righteously angry.   

[Dante]

I finally made some forward progress in Peter Walker's book and made it through the chapter on 4F types.  Reading/listening to it right before bed was not a good idea as it was very triggering and I numbed out in unhealthy ways.

But I could clearly see that while I actually practice all 4F types, at my core I'm a fawn.  I'm everybody else's go to, and years ago I obliterated "me" as much as I could - destroying my past in the process, along with any wants, needs, desires.  To want anything was selfish.    I threw everything I owned out other than what I absolutely needed to survive.  To own anything was selfish.

I sort of see my fawn at my core, but I also strongly resonated with the flight-freeze hybrid.  That's me to a tee.  It's a chicken and egg to see which starts first, but they both just cycle endlessly around my core fawn.  I frantically work as much as I can to "make up for all the bad in me" and to keep from thinking about it (flight), until I completely crash and numb out in unhealthy ways (freeze).  Then I cycle back around to fleeing from the ways that I chose to freeze.  And over and over.  A giant hamster wheel.  I've actually known for about 5 years that I wind tighter and tighter around the axle until I'm pretty much taut, and then I crash into a completely exhaustive sleep.  I nicknamed "La reposa del muerte" years ago, because it is literally like the sleep of the dead.  When I wake from it, I have a few moments peace before it starts all over again.  I never knew this was a pattern.

I see similar hybrids in my F and my spouse.  This is my story not theirs, but it makes me understand them better.  I think it will also help me to understand when my spouse is in 4F mode (similar background, NPD M).

From now on, I read the book during the day and not at night.  I'm feeling very flight-y right now, and I'm trying not to.  Now that I know what it is, I'm hopeful I can break the cycle.

[rainydiary]

Dante, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I had a similar experience reading Pete Walker's book - it is so empowering and helpful to read yet also unlocks a lot of things.  Over time I have found it helpful to understand what is going on with myself and, as you notice, with others.  I hope this continues to be supportive of you on your journey.