Dante's Journal

[Dante]

Thank you, rainydiary.

[Armee]

It's very wise to shift the time of day to read that book. That shows how much you want to feel better. I relate to your cycle...for me its do more because I feel like I am not doing enough but then I do more than I can and flail around then feel bad that I'm not doing enough ad finitm. I finally was taught...when I atartvdoing something because I am feeling like I am not doing enough or am bad, I have to just stop and do the opposite. Sit on my tush right wherever I am and do nothing. It worked!

[Dante]

Thanks, Armee.  I'm learning that that's an acceptable thing to do.  I had a friend who once taught me "Don't just do something, sit there."

[Dante]

So, yesterday was not a good day.  I'll just say that and leave it at that.  Today, I'm committing myself to 30 days of healthy living (healthy for me), starting today.

I understood something for the first time this morning.  Something I've been struggling with is trying to find a work-life balance.  I'm an incredible workaholic, and for years would say my work is my hobby.  But that was just a deflection to not have to have hobbies or other selfish things.  In the past few years, I've had to scale back my work, but it's left a vacuum that I fill in not very healthy ways.  I've been trying to find something to be interested in, but whenever I do, I think it's to inconsequential to waste my time on, or something I'd have to devote too much energy to to be any good.  I can remember viewing others work even when I was young (like in college) and thinking to myself, "yeah, but it doesn't matter because... whatever the because was".  I realize now that my M imposed her grandiose expectations on me.  I've spent my whole life trying to live up to them, and trying to make my reality fit my unrealistic expectations, until the wheels finally came off.  Her expectations of "what matters" has warped my world view.  So I'm going to try to start doing something just because.  Not because it's useful, or because it will have a payoff, or make me rich and famous or even because anybody will understand.  And if I try that something and decide I don't like it, I'm going to reserve the right to change my mind.  Just because I started something doesn't mean I have to finish it.  (I have frantically finished everything I start, no matter how bad, and also frantically tried to connect dots and make things make sense).

I guess I'm asserting my right to live in the moment, and make (healthy) choices that are valid for that moment only.

I also did something that feels like it's probably trivial and petty, but I changed my contact in my phone from "Mom" to her name.  I might have to stay in contact with her in her last few years, but that doesn't mean I have to award her the title she didn't earn.

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[Alter-eg0]

That's a really important realization, Dante.

I think many people forget that a hobby is basically the more grown-up version of play. It's by nature not really supposed to have a "point" other than the enjoyment of the activity itself.

I get what you're saying though, I have (had) the same struggles with it. I have gotten a lot better at it though, through practice. Which sounds ironic😅

[rainydiary]

Dante, what you say resonates with me.  I felt punished when I was growing up for doing leisure activities and still have a hard time allowing myself to do things just because.  I hope that you find things that you enjoy and that the part that says not to do that get smaller and smaller.

[Dante]

Thank you both.  It's a work in progress - doing something for myself makes me sort of collapse inward.  I started some new online classes yesterday, but I've already in my mind written them off.  I can tell in my heart it's just because I don't feel like I'm worth spending the time on, though my head is telling me that maybe I wasn't that interested anyway.  I think there may be some element of truth to that, and also an element of truth to the fact that I don't really have the energy for a commitment, which also has some truth.  (I guess I'm gaslighting myself, because there's always an element of truth, that's what makes it so insidious and for so many years made me feel crazy).

My head and my heart are going to compromise on "not right now, but let's try something else and maybe come back to that".

[Dante]

Better day yesterday.  I did rest a little bit and watched some TV that I wanted to watch.  This is a big step for me, first of all, picking something that I wanted to watch, but second of all watching TV at all.  If I've watched 20 hours of TV this year, I'd be surprised, I usually just chalk it up to "a waste of time for me" (but never thought twice about others watching it".  I also got some unpleasant tasks done that I didn't really want to do, so on the whole I'm feeling better.

Busy day today, and I'm trying to set realistic expectations for myself.  We'll see if they are.

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[sanmagic7]

hey, dante,

i've reconsidered the word 'selfish' when it comes to doing things just for the sake of enjoyment or because i want to.  many of us have been taught that selfish is bad and by connection, if we do something just for ourselves, we are bad.  i've reframed that word to be self-ish - doing for self rather than for others.  it was a huge expectation i'd lived under most of my life, and it was a difficult struggle to take that step for myself, allow myself to do what i wanted to do rather than what was expected of me.  i hope you are able to find your way out of that jungle.  i used to tell my D, who also wrestles with the concept of resting and relaxing,  that these are actually constructive work, something our bodies and minds need on a regular basis.

i likened it to the idea of weight training.  while it's important to do the workouts with the weights for various muscle groups, it's equally as important to rest 1-2 days between workouts on any one group.  without the day of rest, the muscles eventually become damaged rather than healthier, and they can get to the point of overload where they stop working as we need them to. 

i'm glad you were able to get some tv in, just for yourself.  it's a big step, and may i encourage you to take more of those.  just for you - you deserve it.  love and hugs

[Dante]

It's been awhile since I've posted.  I've been stormy for the last little while, but I'm feeling better today.  I thought I would post while it lasted.  Not much else to say except I'm here.

[Armee]

I'm sorry you've been feeling stormy. Lying low is sometimes all we can do, though. Saying "I'm here" is worthwhile and important. I'm glad you're here.

[sanmagic7]

glad you were able to get thru the storm.  good to hear from you again.  love and hugs   

[woodsgnome]

Dante, I resonate with the difficulties you've had progressing through Walker's book. As was mentioned on another thread today, pacing can be very important on this journey.

One wants to rush through material that seems helpful. Yet on the other hand, often the helpfulness requires some patience as it's a two-edged sword; involving looking forward (how do I resolve my probs?) and backwards (painful memories).

I have enough problems with sleepless nights as is; but find I can exacerbate it with reading just that one little nugget before trying to nod off. In Walker's case, it's probably good that he can touch on both prospects -- a better way forward, but also alert the reader to what might have gone wrong with their story so far.

It can take a bit of reflection, as you've just done with this post, to realize this. We want so desperately to rush on. Perfectly understandable, but usually warp speed can't undo what took years of internal pressure to build.

So I guess I'm hoping you can keep this up. Starting from the self-realization that for you, the daytime reading might make a difference. Hope so! 

[Dante]

Thanks Armee, San and woodsgnome.  Hope you all are doing well today. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Dante,

Online classes are a serious commitment and it takes a lot for everything to go well.

also an element of truth to the fact that I don't really have the energy for a commitment

It might be worthwhile to consider you did the right thing, regardless of the element or truth or not. Most decisions contain an element of truth, but the priority you give it really depends on your daily needs.

Making several changes all at once and feeling comfortable & good about them sometimes causes a bit conflicting feelings to come up.