Hi Everyone: Introducing myself

[Papa Coco]

Hi everyone,

    I just joined today. I'm recently retired from a manufacturing and engineering company. I'm a husband, father and grandfather who became a survivor of C-PTSD because I was born as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), which in the John Wayne era of the 1960s and 70s was something for a boy to be very ashamed of. I was then mob-bullied and abused sexually, emotionally and physically in Catholic school from ages 6 to 13. At home, I was #4 of 5 children. I was taught that my family was important but I was not. I was never to ask for anything from my "loving" family. I had to behave myself perfectly every day or I was accused of making them miserable. My family and school never properly corrected my behaviors, but would instead ask "What made you think THAT was a good idea?" Or "Why do you have to do things like that?" Well for a 4-year-old, that's a tough question to answer, and instead of guiding me to the proper way to not spill my milk, they seeded me with horrific shame for "deciding to be born stupid." From as far back as I have memory, I was 100% responsible for my parents and elder siblings' happiness. When I misbehaved, I "ruined their lives." I was forbidden from ever standing up for myself at home or at school. I was never allowed to express anger, or to ask family to bother themselves by standing up for me.  That's some of how I became permanently traumatized.

    I lived in the shadow of this family right up to the day I FINALLY estranged from them all when I was fifty. I don't know how many of them are still alive and I. Don't. CARE! It was their loss, not mine. I'd spent fifty years like Cinder-Fella, always doing things for my elder siblings and parents, and never being allowed to ask for anything in return. When they finally got so ugly even I couldn't love them anymore, they lost their little unpaid servant for good.

    Today I'm happy to have the diagnosis of C-PTSD with Hyper-Vigillance. Before the diagnosis I was constantly being humiliated for being "born broken."  I was called Bi-polar, Manic/depressive, too emotional for my own good, too fearful, a day-dreamer, foolish, weak, strung too tight, ungrounded, a loner, learning disabled, (after my family willingly allowed the Catholic school abuse me for 8 years, I fell into a permanent freeze and lost my ability to learn. I became a chronic D student who couldn't focus in class...ever again). I'm succesfully recovering from such lifelong addictions as shopping, buying and selling cars, smoking cigarettes and drinking way too much booze. After my grandsons came into my life I joined AA, because I would never do anything to support MYSELF, but now that I'm the proud Papa of two amazing little grandsons, I was able to quit drinking seven years ago FOR THEM. That's who I am, a Fawn-type who will do anything in the world for someone else but will never, ever do anything good for myself.

     I only get 55 minutes every two weeks with my therapist. He's awesome and very helpful but I need more than 55 minutes of bi-weekly interaction with sympathetic others. My wife, kids and grandkids love me like crazy and I have to remind myself of that every single day. I'm a social butterfly who has enjoyed a full life of hard work, doing stand up comedy, writing books, giving public speeches, working as a volunteer advocate for victims of sexual assault, but nowadays I isolate. I'm so tired of spending sixty years constantly feeling like I have to prove myself worthy of love every single day by working harder and forcing myelf to be happier than everyone else, that I only feel safe now when I'm completely alone and out of sight of all other humans. If they can't see me they can't judge me.

     I'm grateful to have found this forum and am so looking forward to perusing the chat threads and learning great stuff, and maybe even making some small chat connections with people who "get me."

     Thanks for being here everyone.

[bluepalm]

A warm welcome Papa Coco to this kind and caring community.

Your introduction story is a distressing one, but, sadly, I feel it will resonate with many people on this forum.  I know part of me said 'yes!', when I read about your only feeling safe when 'completely alone and out of sight of all other humans'.

For me this has been a very healing community to be part of and I hope you will also find the support and connections you are seeking.

bluepalm

[Dante]

Welcome Papa Coco, so much of your post resonates very much with me.  Very similar background, even down to recovery from addiction for someone else.  Having to prove myself worthy of existing.  I could write a post as long as yours to explore the parallels, but I won't.  I'll just say welcome.  I'm a newcomer myself, but I've already found family beyond the one I was born with - brothers and sisters who 'get' what I'm struggling with.

[Larry]

Hi Papa 

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Papa Coco 

Thanks for posting and joining the forum. You'll find lots of understanding people here who won't require proof for anything. A highly sensitive boy needs extra care and society isn't set up that way, or wasn't in the 60's. Your grandsons' acting as the catalyst of your recovery and awareness is similar to my own. I have a grandson and granddaughter I helped raise, and consider them my kids. Their well-being was so important I moved through several states to follow them.

Yes, 55 minutes is not nearly enough to keep things on the recovery track. It's hard work, as you know. But you've tried many other things, so know you have the motivation to seek out solutions. Sometimes the answer is in "our own backyard." I mean within yourself, and it's a process of getting to know that self.

Your many experiences with hard work, stand up comedy, authoring books, volunteering and public speaking have formed a wonderful multi-faceted person who has talents, gifts and competencies. Other experiences in school, at home, in health care misdiagnosis have brought unwanted, and unnecessary hurt and confusion.

I see some humor here with your term Cinder-Fella. I like that a lot. You have my admiration for going no contact (NC) with your family of origin. (FOO) That's sounds more neutral than the word "estranged" which can be charged with blame, shame and finger pointing. We use a lot of acronyms here!!

I hope you stick around and find what you are looking for. I'm going to take a risk here and offer a hug: 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Bee Keeper,

Thanks for the new acronyms. I'll adopt that one No Contact over estranged. It does feel better. I'm so glad to have found this site. People reaching out in return to my posts feels amazing.  Thanks!

[Papa Coco]

Hi Dante,

Thanks for reaching out in response to my posts. Welcome to the club too. I see you joined just a few days ahead of me.  The responses feel good. And when I read your posts I feel the same way, that your life's story would likely sound very similar to mine.

I once watched a TV interview with John Henry Browne, the Defense attorney who was assigned to defend the worst of the worst, including Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked him "in your own words, what is a sociopath?" Browne didn't take a breath, he just blurted out "Someone who doesn't think we're all connected."  It was genius. Simple. Easy to grasp. And right on the money.

I live my life for only one thing; Even though I tend to hide and isolate, the only thing that I feel is worth living for is connection with other people. This forum is a godsend for me as I've found myself in deep need to connect with people who know what I know, and who've experienced life in similar ways as myself. Even if I stay in my PJs all day and never open the front door, I need to at least know I'm empathetically connected to others. If there is a purpose to life, I believe that's it: To find our connection with others.

[Kizzie]

Hi Papa and a warm welcome to OOTS 

I love the term "Cinder-Fella"! It's perfect for male survivors who were trained to be responsible and put others before self. Here you don't have to do that, now is your time, to focus on your own self-care and recovery, and give what you want when you want.   

[woodsgnome]

Liked your intro, Papa Coco, especially touching on what it's like to try hard to connect but falling short of the mark. This echoes my own journey in, around, out, and back in to the bumpy trail called CPTSD.

While I choose to live a very isolated existence now, I've also run the gamut of contradictory forays into more social situations, especially in my vocational pursuits ranging from improv acting/free lance teaching gigs to pre-school and hospice-related work. The contradictions I mostly feel inside, where those forays into socializing better were great, but also came very close to the edge of my comfort zone with people.

Enough of me, though -- WELCOME, fellow soul, to this group where 'each other' is arguably its most important asset.

[Armee]

Welcome Papa Coco.

I didn't have a chance to say hi when you first posted. I have very much enjoyed your posts, I have learned a lot from them and find what you write to be eloquent and spot-on. I'm so glad you've joined.

I'm sorry you went through the abuse you went through and that family offered the opposite of support. It's really courageous to cut abusers out of your life and I wish I had had the strength to do the same.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
Welcome to the forum 
Hope