Not sure I like chamomile

[Chamomile]

As a child I adored the way it looks when growing, and the way it smells when growing. But the taste is too mild. Or maybe it's one more thing to remind me that I need to be gentle with myself, and to welcome the gentle taste of chamomile...



Hello, I'm Chamomile. Currently sort of having a panic attack.

I wonder if I'm a textbook case of dissociation. I realized that I spent the last 28 years dissociating nearly nonstop, which is why the only thing I really have to show for those years is a gaming hobby (addiction of choice). It's how I first coped with my father's molesting of me at 13. Ever since then, I can't stop. I thought it was just addiction, but it's dissociation, too. (I was also physically, verbally, emotionally abused by mother... and emotionally/verbally by an ex-spouse for 5 years straight - a lot for me to untangle..)

I'm quite scared. I'm a mess. I'm still nonfunctional, as I have been since about 23. Can't take care of myself, my living environment. Agoraphobia when I'm not working the 2-3 days a week I work. A total recluse in a city. I call out of work once a month, as I've done today. I'm itching to get on the computer in a few minutes and breathe a sigh of relief as I log into a vast, wondrous virtual world of beautiful landscapes, friendly faces, cozy farms.

I'm getting closer to 45. Soon it will be hard to be hired at that age, if I need to find work anew. I have no drive to improve the situation and am just going through the motions of my work. If I could, I would sleep and game my whole life away.

Throughout the whole nonfunctioning state, there is a painful knot in the middle of my solar plexus. It feels festering, inflamed, putrid, beaten to a pulp. I've a feeling that it has something to do with my nonfunction. Something is profoundly stuck. Muted. Silenced. Torn apart from me.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about your experience here.  I hope that you find some ease.

[Dante]

Hi Chamomile, you're not alone.  I'm realizing just how much disassociation I've spent my life in.  I can only tell now because I get brief periods where I can tell I'm not disassociating and I literally look around and I can feel myself wonder how I got here (it happens most often when I'm driving and for just a moment I can actually see where I am clearly).  It's a weird sensation, like somebody else has been driving my body and for a little bit I get to peek out.  (Which I guess is truth).

Anyway, I hope you feel better, and like I said, you're not alone.

[Armee]

Also life long dissociater here. Somebody wise commented on the subject in my journal today. Relief is slow but it can get better. Knowing its it's happening is a necessary and super important first step.

I wish no one had hurt you in that way, let alone family. I'm feeling really angry for you. 

It's funny I have the same opinion of chamomile and grow it because I love the smell, but don't really enjoy the tea.

It's ok to be how you are and one day a month of sick leave isn't terrible. And 45 isn't that old. Give yourself some space to breathe.