trying not to use alcohol or drugs

[Larry]

I don't consider myself an alcoholic,  but most would disagree.  I feel like I am not addicted,  but someitmes I need it to make it through the day.  I stopped doing drugs 3 years ago,  trying not to go back to that.   When I did drugs ,  I drank less.  not really sure which is better.  I really do not want to go on prescription meds,  but I don't think i can do this sober.  I am not in therapy,  although I would like to be.  Really not much available where I live.  I don't want to be high or drunk all the time,  but it does seem to help me escape.  I really feel lost and hopeless.  Not sure where to go from here. 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, I too struggle with what to label myself with regards to addictions.  I spent years in 12 step programs without it helping because I didn't understand the underlying causes.  Starting to understand the causes that made me the way that I am and being able to think before I act because I "get" why I'm reacting a certain way is helping.   It's not perfect, but it is improving.  I hope you find some peace here.

[rainydiary]

Larry, what you say resonates with me.  As I've learned more about myself and CPTSD, I saw things that I was doing to keep myself numb and away from the feelings inside. 

My experience is that we each might find therapeutic value in almost anything.  I think that what started to turn my experience was being in a training where we had a small group where we talked about our experiences with the training.  Having a dedicated turn and people that listened to me taught me that the stories I've been telling myself and believing were not accurate.  I also realized I didn't feel like people listen to me until that time.

For me, practicing yoga, journaling, being outside, and being in this group have helped the most.  I also have a few people in my life that understand this journey that I can reach out.  As time has gone on, I have grown more aware of when I am doing something to avoid my internal experience. 

I think the adjustment for me has been truly listening to myself and honoring what I need as much as I can.  Listening to myself has also been painful as a lot of things came (and still come) up.  It has taken practice to listen to that past hurt or strong feeling.  It has taken practice to stay with the feeling instead of pushing it back down. 

I experience pressure of how my life is supposed to look and be.  I have tried to be aware of that pressure and still find what works for me even if others judge me. 

This is very difficult work.  I am glad you are here and hope that you find things that work for you. 

[Larry]

Thank you both,  I really appreciate your advice.  I really need to break this cycle and do the things I enjoy.  I always feel guilty when I do fun things,  so much to work on. 

[Dante]

One of the things that is a struggle for me is that my only "hobby" for a long time was the ways I chose to self-medicate.  I am trying to find things to do that engage me instead.  Just stopping leaves an empty hole - I need something else and healthy to fill it with.  I'm still working on what that is.  I hope that you find the help you need, because you are worth it.  The addiction eats your soul, and you deserve a life and happiness.

[Larry]

Thank you

[Papa Coco]

Hi Larry,

I feel you, Sir! I have always been addicted to something. For many years I drank every night but didn't call myself an alcoholic. But I always underestimated everything about myself: I always believed my abuse "wasn't that bad" until a therapist proved to me that it was horrible. I believed my drinking "wasn't that big a problem" until my family proved to me that my drinking was becoming a problem for them.

So how do we know when a habit has turned into an addiction? For me, I realized it when I started to live my life around the drinking. I drank alone in the evenings after everything was done. For years it was under control. But then one day I realized that I was starting to schedule my life around the fact that I needed to be done with everything by 5:00 so I could start drinking. That's not something I could call a habit anymore.

What I've learned about addiction is: it isn't so much the alcohol I was addicted to, it was about the dopamine rush alcohol gave me. It lifted my spirits and let me forget the chronic loneliness that filled my body and soul every day. Some experts say that no one is addicted to the alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, porn, shopping, or whatever; they're addicted to the dopamine rush that the alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, porn, shopping or whatever gives them. I certainly felt like that was true for me, which is why every time I'd quit one chemical, I'd quickly find a new replacement.

I started smoking when I was 21. My health suffered so bad that I quit seven years later, but then I started drinking to replace the smoking. My strangest addiction was to buying and selling cars! Before I turned 50, I had already owned over 75 cars. I lost money on every single sale, but buying a new car somehow gave me a dopamine rush that I couldn't get enough of. Also, cars were the only think my shell-shocked father and I had in common when I was a kid--so I couldn't get enough of them. As a man with a bad case of CPTSD, I admit that I still need addiction. Right now it's TV and ice cream. I even find myself scheduling my day around watching TV. Raindiary talks about how she's found constructive things to be addicted to, which I think is a fantastic idea! I'm going to think about doing that myself. I think I'll start looking for something positive that can help me raise my dopamine levels every day.

[Papa Coco]

Larry!

A quick note about getting Therapist.

I live in a large city, so I have no problem finding therapists, but since COVID, even though I live 4 miles from my T, he and I have been meeting over ZOOM for over a year now. It still works. He's still helpful. No matter where you live, perhaps you can find a T who you can meet weekly on ZOOM?

I'm very Pro-Therapist, as long as it's the right therapist!  A Therapist who understands CPTSD is a very valuable asset to folks like us. I really encourage anyone with CPTSD to look into finding one. Consider ZOOM. If the first therapist doesn't understand you, fire her/him and look again. I went through 6 T's in the first few years. I found my current T in 1999 and THAT's when my healing began.

Therapists are valuable help. So my advice to anyone with CPTSD is 1) don't underestimate what you've been through, 2) Don't underestimate the value of a good Therapist and 3) don't let geography be a roadblock.

I'm pulling for you!

[Larry]

I appreciate all of you !  I got really drunk again last night,  I have decided I need to at least slow down a little.  I have been a little messed up from an emotional flashback 3 weeks ago.  But I am slowly getting over it and burying my emotions and feelings again.  I am going to try to get back into my exercise routine.  Seeing some fitness results use to help me avoid drinking. 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, I'm pulling for you.  I'm fighting my way through a series of problems, at least one of which is an outright addiction, and several more of which are at least unhealthy.  I'm dealing with what I can, but from the worst of my issues, I'm seven days sober today.  This is after daily avoidance of life using these methods (which never helped, I always felt worse after).  This week I had a REALLY bad EF, but managed to get through with without medicating.  I credit this space (even though I wasn't on the site much), because it's the first time in at least 35 years of active addiction.

As they say in the rooms, don't give up before the miracle happens!

[Papa Coco]

Dante!

Seven Days!   

Congratulations!  That's no small deal!

I'm pulling for you too!

[Larry]

Dante!

Seven Days!   

Congratulations!  That's no small deal!

I'm pulling for you too!

congrats on 7 days !  and thank you both !

[Kizzie]

Larry - I too know that feeling of needing to be numb.  I never drank alot but when things got to be too much in 2013-2014 I got into heavy drinking and it fast took over. 

I'm so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and I hope by talking here you will feel some relief/comfort.  That's part of what helped me back then. I also saw an addictions counselor, a T and my doctor started me on a medication that really helped (Celexa). Fortunately none of these people pushed me to stop so much as they encouraged me to talk and feel in small steps so I didn't become overwhelmed. It took time but it has helped. 

Dante - That's so wonderful that you have achieved  7 days, especially given it was in the face of a bad EF.   

[Larry]

Thank you kizzie,   I have been doing much better,  I haven't stopped,  but not over drinking like I have been.  I really appreciate everyone's input !

[Armee]

Keep going, Larry! And with kindness toward any imperfections!