trying not to use alcohol or drugs

[Larry]

I hope your surgery went well ! 

[Larry]

i don't know why,  i thought i over drank to cope,  then a few weeks ago i thought it might be a self harm thing.  now i think maybe it is to forget everything and feel numb.  i was numb to emotions for many years.  after a very intense emtional flashback,  i can not control emotions anymore.  i go from happy to sad,  depressed to crying to happy. I am so confused.  sometimes i just feel like i need to get blackout drunk.  probably going to do that tonight

[Armee]

It's all those things, Larry. They are all the same. Numbing forgetting copkng self harm addiction. All the same.

It is serving a purpose to protect you but it is also hurting you.

[Larry]

I never realised that,  but you are so right.   it feels a little better knowing that.  i just would likke to have a little more control

[Jack01]

 Larry, I stopped my drinking 31 years ago. I was in such denial I didn't get help until it was almost to late. My father died t the age of 47 because of drinking. It's not easy to admit you have a problem and I commend you for the courage to do so. You also have a desire to stop. In AA the first two steps are the hardest. To admit to yourself and another person you have a problem with alcohol and you have a desire to stop drinking ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep it up!

[Blueberry]

i have been doing better at handling hypervigilance and emotional flashbacks.  i am recognising them earlier and doing grounding exercises to control thins.

I have addictions too (not alcohol) and although I've been in therapy/recovery for years I've never been able to quit cold-turkey. Recognising earlier that you're in an EF and managing to handle your hypervigilance better are both really good steps forward. imo it's a bit the nature of cpstd that most of us don't manage to take all our forwards steps all the time. We fall back. We're hit by an EF about something new or 3 EFs at once and fall back on old coping skills. You're not alone with that on here. 2 steps forward, 1 back. The point is to get back on your feet again at some point.

[Dante]

For me, the problem is simple.  The solution is hard, but the problem is simple.  I too spent years debating "why" I was an addict.  Was it punishment?   To me?  To others?  Was it numbing?  Coping?  Self harm?  The answer I found was "yes".  But at the core, the real reason addiction was and is so hard for me to beat is simply that I abnegated all of my feelings, my worth, my purpose, my sense of self, because it was the only way to survive.  There is no "me" anymore.  The only "selfish" thing I have left is my addiction.  Despite the fact that I *want* to give it up, giving it up means giving up the last piece of "me".  If I'm honest, I'm afraid that when that's gone, I'll just blow away like dust in the wind.

That doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I've made some real progress in the last few years, but also had some regressions.  The only thing that will stop me from trying to heal from my addictions and from my trauma is when I'm dead.  So maybe that means there is some "me" still there, still fighting.  I see the same in you.  Don't give up.  Keep looking for different ways to attack the problem, because it's a multifaceted problem.  It won't be an easy fix, for you, or for me.  But we are worth it.

[johnram]

I know what you speak of very well Dante, i have only lived working or with addictions.  I know nothing else. 

Therapists ask - you must have hobbies, my addictions have been my "hobbies".  Its hard to change such a strong coping mechanism

good luck to you and the continued trying, it can be done, i have defeated others before

For me, the problem is simple.  The solution is hard, but the problem is simple.  I too spent years debating "why" I was an addict.  Was it punishment?   To me?  To others?  Was it numbing?  Coping?  Self harm?  The answer I found was "yes".  But at the core, the real reason addiction was and is so hard for me to beat is simply that I abnegated all of my feelings, my worth, my purpose, my sense of self, because it was the only way to survive.  There is no "me" anymore.  The only "selfish" thing I have left is my addiction.  Despite the fact that I *want* to give it up, giving it up means giving up the last piece of "me".  If I'm honest, I'm afraid that when that's gone, I'll just blow away like dust in the wind.

That doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I've made some real progress in the last few years, but also had some regressions.  The only thing that will stop me from trying to heal from my addictions and from my trauma is when I'm dead.  So maybe that means there is some "me" still there, still fighting.  I see the same in you.  Don't give up.  Keep looking for different ways to attack the problem, because it's a multifaceted problem.  It won't be an easy fix, for you, or for me.  But we are worth it.

[Larry]

thank you all for the support.  i only had 3 drinks yesterday.  trying to keep it under control. 

[Dante]

Hi Larry - sending positive vibes your way.  Hang in there!

[Larry]

thank you Dante !

[Papa Coco]

Larry,

Sounds like you're making some good progress.  Keep it up. Sending you good vibes.

[Larry]

thank you papa coco !   

[Larry]

I had a few days last week that it really over drank.  mostly been doing good.  sometimes i just need to forget everything for a while.  maybe it is the holidays,  not my favorite time of year.  it is hard and painful watching everyone have fun with family and friends, 

[rainydiary]

Larry, this time of year is difficult for me also.  It's hard to not use food and drink right now to get by.  I hope you will find some gentleness for yourself as I can see how hard you are working.