trying not to use alcohol or drugs

[Larry]

thank you rainy,  i am trying,  things just seem so dark right now. 

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry you are going through a dark time. It's a really scary stage you are in right now on this journey and I'm so proud of how much you are doing. It can get really overwhelming and it makes sense you want to blot it out with alcohol sometimes. It's like building endurance. Over time it gets easier to tolerate a little bit of the underlying emotions and to feel some of that trauma. Right now you haven't been given any of those tools or had any time to practice, so we'll keep reminding you to be kind and patient with yourself, where you are right now.

Just keep trying to listen to what your heart really wants under it all and that can guide you through the hard parts. For me it was really really wanting to be a good mom and anything that was getting in the way of that I had the motivation to suffer through. 

[Larry]

I really appreciate you armee.  sometimes i just don't know what to do.  it feels like everything is falling apart.  i am not drinking today.  even though i want too.  it doesn't really seem to matter.  i hope i can sleep tonight,  without all the kicking and screaming.  i am so tired of not getting sleep,  fighting through each day is painful and exhausting. 

[Larry]

i have been doing so much better at not overdrinking.  i went several days without,  had a few days with 1 or 2 drinks.  i feel like i have control,  next few weeks might be a challenge,  with the holidays. 

[Larry]

i feel like such a burden to everyone,   i don't know why,   i just want to escape.   i don't want to use drugs,   seems like alcohol is the only thing that works right now. 

[Armee]

I don't think you are a burden, Larry. I wish I could do something to ease your suffering.

[Larry]

i just don't know what else to do.     i try to distract myself with positive things.    i have been goiing to the gym,  i did a yoga class today.     but i still feel like a burden to everyone.    i know it will pass.     i will get that good feeling again.    it is just so hard to deal with the unwanted feelings.   when i get drunk,   nothing else matters.     it is almost like my comfort zone

[Larry]

anyone here tonight?     i  really need someone to talk too

[Armee]

Hi! You're not alone. Great job going to the gym and doing yoga today! It takes time to build up the positive benefits of any of these tools. Keep going!

[Larry]

i really thought i would not be back here,   i keep getting lost.   sometimes things just don't make sense,    i really need something to fall back on,   i know alcohol and drugs are not the answere,  what else works?   i don't know what to do

[Armee]

You DO know what to do, Larry. It is seeking help instead of continuing the same cycle of thinking you're OK, then falling into heavy drinking because it is really too much to try to heal on your own. To get better - break the  cycle. You really deserve to feel better. You really need help to get better. You can't do it alone through will power because it isn't addiction. It is trauma. The alcohol is there to cope. It's not going to get better until you treat your traumatized brain.

[Larry]

thank you armee,   i needed to hear that.   i need to work on getting help.

[Larry]

no drinks for 2 days,  i should be happy,  but i have been really depressed today.    i know  i need help.  i don't know why i can not call for help.   

[Armee]

Feeling depressed sucks...quite literally just sucks the will to do anything right out of you. I guess in a way that depression is keeping you safe right now...safe from drinking and safe from seeking help?

I'm sure there are lots of really good reasons not to seek help yet. It's scary, too much unknown, the change might feel worse than how you feel now, you might have to face things you aren't ready to face? I don't know...maybe you shouldn't get help? Maybe it's better this way?

[Larry]

maybe....    maybe i don't deserve help.   maybe i can not handle help.     maybe i don't know how to handle help...     maybee i should just drink until i can not remember....