trying not to use alcohol or drugs

Started by Larry, August 20, 2021, 02:56:04 AM

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Larry

Thank you Armee !  I am really trying to stay positive,  But i really need to find a replacement for alcohol.  Not sure why,   but i feel like i need something to keep me from feeling things i don't want to feel. 

Armee

You probably do know why, Larry.  :hug:

It's difficult to face what you have to face and you are using alcohol to protect yourself or maybe even others. It's not a bad goal, and yet its ultimately harmful to yourself and keeps you from healing. And you deserve to heal.

It's not 100% the same, but there are a few of us who have some self-harm behaviors that are not that different from substance abuse. For me, I attack my face under the guise of grooming but I do it until I have blood pouring down sometimes. I do it when I feel trapped and helpless with no way out. It's like a trance and not intentional. I'm not trying to hurt myself.  But I have permanent red scars that I cover heavily with makeup to hide it from myself and my family. I'm too ashamed to tell my therapist or talk about it with anyone. I also fear that if I did I'd be forced to go cold turkey. And that's not an option.

Two things have helped: 1. Working on some of the feelings of being trapped to see I'm not really trapped and i don't need to go into a trance to deal with the issues and 2. Finding a substitute behavior. Once I poured a sweet smelling skin toner on a soft cotton ball to gently wipe away the blood instead of being aggressive with myself. It felt like such a loving action, like what a caring parent would do for their child... a combination of cleaning a wound and wiping away tears. From then on I found I could interrupt the self harm usually by doing that action. Not always and not immediately, but soon enough.

So I think you could be onto something with finding a substitute. One that is warm and loving and soothing. It won't be perfect but it might help. 



Larry

you have no idea how much this helps,  thank you !!

Blueberry

Quote from: Larry on September 12, 2021, 01:14:51 PM
Not sure why,   but i feel like i need something to keep me from feeling things i don't want to feel.
Completely understandable. I resist feeling many things. I'm just 'lucky' in that I never got into drugs or alcohol because I was too busy trying to be good as a teen. And even in my 20's, alcohol would make me feel ill. But I do self-harm, have an eating disorder, and sometimes roam around the Internet, read books, curl up in bed etc etc in order not to feel. Reading books isn't destructive per se, but it depends how long you do it for and what else you neglect to do.

I agree with Armee that finding a substitute could be a very good thing. I would also say that it doesn't have to be the perfect solution for now - just something that you can go to instead of alcohol or drugs. Although if it's any of warm, loving, soothing that would be great too.

Papa Coco

I'm pulling for you too, Larry. I had to quit drinking in 2014. I used AA and 6 weeks of outpatient rehab to accomplish it. 

In researching addictive personalitiies like mine, I've learned to think about how I wasn't addicted to the booze, but to the dopamine rush the booze gave me. The minute I stopped getting my daily dopamine rush from booze, I immediately developed a strong addiction to sugar. For me, a candybar on an empty stomach will actually raise me out of depression and get me high for a few minutes. Now I have that issue, but the health effects of overeating are less severe for my body than those of the alcohol. Quitting booze has fixed my Acid Reflux, and has allowed me to stop waking up at 2 am every morning in a hot sweat as my body was detoxing the liquor every night. So for me, food is better than booze, One step forward, right?

But dang!  I'm still in the same boat as you. The sugary food is not great for me either. So now I'm trying to find a productive dopamine-producing activity that will interest me enough to stick with it.  My wife, bless her heart, runs for a half hour on the elliptical every day, lifts light weights for a half hour, and eats smaller portions. I admire her so much, but just haven't gotten up the self-control to follow her lead.

So, I guess, know this: I'm in the same boat. I've traded one dopamine inducer for another, and now I need to find a new one again also.

We're in this together!  There's strength in numbers, right?

Larry

#20
how do i become normal ??  I just can not stop myself from 1.  leads to several more.  just got home from my local bar,  only had 6 vodka drinks and 3 beers.   i just feel like i can not do this without something like alcohol or drugs.  i do not want to be on prescription meds,  but this isn't much better.   i really want to find a support group but there is nothing where i live. 

Armee

It's ok, Larry. Next time, you can think about us here pulling for you, knowing this stands in the way of full recovery, and maybe have 5 and then maybe ponder the 6th and come home and take a warm shower or make a cup of tea brewed with love toward the person who hurts so bad. You'll get there, but only because you want to, not because you shame yourself into it.

We've got your back, sin, sorrow, or success.

Blueberry

ime you will get there even when part of you doesn't want to give up alcohol/drugs. Probably a bit more slowly - I've been at it 20-plus years - but you will get there.

Feelings of shame are old stuff, from the trauma, hard to ditch imo, but not useful or helpful now.

We're here rooting for you. If it helps,  :hug:

Larry


Dante

Hi Larry.  I had a thought this morning and I thought it might be useful to share it with you.  Like you, I have struggled with self-medicating through a variety of means.  A number of areas where I binge and struggle with healthy balance, and also sometimes self-harm, and a crazy OCD thing where if I do one thing, I feel the need to do them all to "start over" over a twisted need to have a clearly defined sobriety date.

I started attending 12 step meetings about 15 years ago, but never found them helpful.  They were too rigid and too legalistic for me, and I always felt that it was "perfection, not progress".  I was "fired" by multiple sponsors.  I internalized what the Big Book said about "those unfortunates who lack the capacity for self honesty" (I don't recall the exact quote).  And I beat myself up for failing.  Repeatedly.  I eventually gave up on it, but I realize now, part of my OCD is because I'm still internalizing those things.  All or nothing.  Sober or not.  Sobriety dates.  (I hated having to go around and introduce myself with my sobriety date being that morning when everyone else was 25 years - talk about shaming!)  Etc.

But this morning, in a somewhat rare fit of self kindness, I acknowledged to myself that while I might not be sober according to the various definitions, and maybe I'll never make 30 days or an anniversary, I am making progress.  I'm better than I was (I stopped a major form of acting out with much more dire consequences 4 years ago).  And in 15 years, though I might have been told I was such an unfortunate, I have never given up.  I am still struggling 15 years later.  That's in part what led me here, was through continuing study and emerging awareness that the root of my self-medication was due to something deeper; a deep emotional trauma from my childhood.  I'm not better yet, and maybe I'll never be totally better.  But I'm better than I was, and I haven't given up.

Perhaps this is a lens through which you could view yourself.  Not beating yourself up for failing, but with compassion for the hurt child who has to hide from his pain.  And with pride that maybe you're not better but you haven't given up.  Being here and asking for help is proof of that.

Larry

Thank you Dante !  I do feel like i am better today than i was a month ago.  It was just a bad month after having a bad emotional flashback.  I don't have them very often,  but when I do they mess me up for a few weeks.  I think that is why i have really been over drinking.  I am starting to feel better and only had 1 drink last night ,  really out of boredom.  You all have been very helpful and i am thankful for that !

Kizzie


Armee

We all slip into our coping mechanisms when that happens, Larry. Eventually we spend less time needing them and have more success substituting healthy or healthier ways to cope.  Just keep practicing and doing the best you can. Huge congratulations on getting toward the end of that EF and only needing one drink last night.  :cheer:

Kizzie

Sidenote - I don't want to derail your thread Larry but I just wanted to comment on something Dante said about AA:

QuoteI started attending 12 step meetings about 15 years ago, but never found them helpful.  They were too rigid and too legalistic for me, and I always felt that it was "perfection, not progress".  I was "fired" by multiple sponsors.  I internalized what the Big Book said about "those unfortunates who lack the capacity for self honesty" (I don't recall the exact quote).  And I beat myself up for failing.  Repeatedly.  I eventually gave up on it, but I realize now, part of my OCD is because I'm still internalizing those things.  All or nothing.  Sober or not.   

This is part of the problem many survivors have with AA. It actually plays into our trauma in many ways for the reasons you've identified.  To look at ourselves honestly is to do so with compassion and understanding that we are traumatized, not bad or irresponsible people in need of another strict/demanding parent.

We truly don't need to beat ourselves up any more than we already do. We may stop drinking thru programs like AA, but we'll white knuckle sobriety until we deal with the trauma in a life affirming and loving way. 

My thoughts of course.  I never went to an AA program because I understood on some level it was all about my trauma,  I didn't like drinking, I just did so to numb the EFs and pain and because I didn't have anyone to help or talk to about it at the time.  That's one reason I started OOTS by the way.  I have gotten drunk 2-3 times since stopping but I really don't like it and it just reminded me how bad I felt when I did drink. I'm more motivated to learn other ways of dealing with my trauma. 

Just to bring this back to you Larry. I got as much kind, compassionate and medically sound help as I could to help when my drinking was really bad and it helped. Being here is a great start for you and it does seem to be resonating (i.e., the care, compassion, support & encouragement). That's a signal to traumatized you there is help for the pain and loneliness and fear, others who comfort and understand, something few of us have had.

:grouphug: 


Larry

thanks Kizzie !  This forum has been incredibly helpful !