trying not to use alcohol or drugs

[Papa Coco]

Armee

VVvvvvvery well said.  Nice post. I resonate wholly with every word.

[Larry]

I really appreciate the support from all of you !  I want to try therapy again,  i know it sounds wierd,  but i don't want my wife to know ,  I don't want to lie to her,  but I don't want to tell her.  Not sure why,  maybe i feel ashamed to want or need therapy.  I might try hinting around about it a little and see what happens. 

[Armee]

Hey Larry,

The single greatest gift I've gotten from therapy was having my T push me to be more vulnerable with my H and let him know what was happening. It felt impossible at the time even though we had been friends for 30 years and dating or married for 20 I felt like I had to be perfect for him, I felt like I couldn't explain what was wrong or happening...like I just didn't know how.

Like most stuff, that is actually a symptom of the PTSD and doing the opposite of those symptoms has the power to help heal. Unless you are in an unsupportive abusive relationship in which case, that's good to know too.

Telling my H helped me heal and brought us so much closer.

I know you aren't looking for advice but try to tell your wife. I remember when my T was trying to get me to attend a trauma retreat. I didn't want to because I didn't want to tell my H I was traumatized because I felt weak and stupid. I had been in therapy for nearly 2 years but that part felt really hard. I put it off until the last minute. When it was time, I sat outside with him and some coffee in silence. Then an "um." Then "I have something I need to ask you." Silence from me...."um this is really hard for me to say...." etc until I finally got it out. Every step of disclosing things to him has been this hard. And he has never been anything but loving and supportive.

Your wife will in all likelihood be relieved you recognize you need help and want to get better. Don't do it in secret unless you don't trust her. That's the message it would send if you didn't tell her.

It's not easy. But you've done lots of not easy things already. You can do this one, too.

[Larry]

thank you so much armee,  she is very supportive,  sometimes to sympathetic for me.  i don't really like that,  but she is amazing,  You are very strong ,  not sure i can do that yet,  but i am going to try. 

[Dante]

I'll second what Armee said.  I've tried to take all these steps alone when my spouse has been nothing but supportive.  Drove me to 12 steps when I didn't have the courage to go on my own.  Went to therapy with me.  Yet still I didn't have trust.  I've done a lot of work over the last several months, culminating in finally having the courage to come here - I find this site a year ago.  That work - and especially the support here - has shown me that what I've been wrestling with is shame.  Shame at what happened to me, shame at what I did to survive.  Shame needs a dark, damp corner to grow.  And grew mine did. 

I finally trusted enough to share those secrets and the shame has withered at long last.  And, both surprisingly and not surprisingly, I've had peace and no need to act out, self harm or drink.   It's probably only a temporary respite, but the first I've EVER had - every time in the past has been white knuckle.

[Armee]

So true, Dante.

Larry, trying and failing is still progress. It took me many small steps to work up to any even small disclosures to my husband about what I've been struggling with. It's just that every single time it has made things better, not worse. Not just for me but for my husband and relationship too.

Don't feel like a failure if you can't, though. There are some things I am supposed to do to get better on something I really want to fix but I haven't been able to yet.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to add that while my H and I have generally been quite close (a few bumps in the road in the last year or two), I didn't tell him much because I didn't want to know, I didn't want to say things out loud to him and even to a T becasue then it was out there and I couldn't keep trying to shove it down. To admit certain to myself and heaven forbid others made me feel weak and vulnerable and less than.  I've had the same problem here with some of my deepest bits, but am slowly opening up about them and it really does help. 

I guess my suggestion would be to take it at your pace, whatever that may be, so you are not overwhelmed.  Some 'discomfort' is needed to move forward, it's being deluged with shame, fear, anger, etc that can send us back into numbing.

Hope this helps.

[Larry]

i want to try,  i don't know what else to do,  i really appreciate all of you.   i am  really confused right now. 

[Dante]

For me, I came here with questions.  What happened.  Why am I this way.  Why do I do the things I do even though I don't want to do them and I am slowly dying inside?  In the few months that I've been here, I feel like I've made a breakthrough.  I think I now know enough about what happened and why I am this way.  The part I don't know, I don't think I need to know.  I get the plot, even if the specific story is hazy.  And that has helped me to start to heal from my self-destructive behavior, but the compulsion is not gone.  I think it will be a long time before it is, but it's a start, and I'll take it.

My hope for you is that you figure out how you need help, and that you find a way to ask for it.  It took me too long to admit I needed help, and too long to ask for help.  I can't tell you what form of help will work for you, but you can't do it alone.  That much I can tell you.  That's what this forum gives me.  I am not alone anymore.  Neither are you.

[Larry]

thank you, 

[Papa Coco]

Hey Larry,

I just read back a few posts and saw where you said "It might be weird but I don't want my wife to know..."

That is NOT weird at all. I have been the same way all along. I even wrote a series of novels that I published, but for the first 2 years my wife had NO IDEA I was writing them. It wasn't until I had reached a point in my healing when I felt safe sharing it with her that I did so. She was very cool with it. And from there I was able to move on...at my own pace. I can't fully explain it, but I assume it has to do with trust issues. Many of us C-PTSD survivors on this forum deal with interpersonal trust issues from having been so badly betrayed by the most important people in our lives. Our parents!

The reason I say it's not weird is, the word weird describes a one-off anomaly that doesn't fit the mold. But here, Larry, the mold is that almost all of us have massive trust issues, and for a lot of CPTSD survivors, those trust issues are all entangled with the people we love the most.

I'm all for you keeping your therapy from your wife until the day comes when YOU feel safe in your heart to share it with her. You are not hiding a bad secret from her, but you are giving yourself some private space to explore a deep, personal, private, intimate need for healing for yourself. She isn't the person who put you into this Trauma, so this isn't really about her just yet.  You're doing fine, Larry.  If you can keep it a secret, then I think that's very cool.

I'm feeling serious compassion for everything you're going through. It looks like a lot of people on this forum are.

Keep sharing. Life is easier lived when you don't feel alone with your traumas. We'll be here for you for as long as it takes!

I think you're doing great.

[Larry]

Than you so much,  I really want to try therapy again.  I found a psychologist near me that works with ptsd ,  I really want to get the courage to make an appointment. 

[Armee]

Sorry for jumping to unsolicited advice, Larry. Papa Coco is right about your wife and trust and telling her only when you feel safe and ready. Sorry for that, because you shouldn't have to overcome any additional unnecessary barriers to getting help when you are ready to take that step.

I wish we all could sit around you and support you as you make that difficult call. But we are here virtually. And you searched for and found a possible therapist! That is a HUGE step! Good job! 

[Larry]

Thank you soo much Armee!  If I do make that call,  i will be thining about all of you being here with me ! 

[Papa Coco]

Hey Larry,

Armee's right. We are all here and we care.

When I was young, and thought I was the only person on the planet who was like me, I used to fantasize that I'd gotten lost at sea, washed up on an uncharted island, and accidentally found an entire civilization of people who were just like me with the same fears, same dissociative trances, same desire to be loved without judgement. I didn't believe people like that actually existed, but it used to bring me immense peace to at least pretend I could live in that place with those friends who understood me.

But fast-forward to 2021, right here and now...I think I found that place.

I hope you are able to start therapy soon with a compassionate therapist. It's really helpful.