trying not to use alcohol or drugs

[Larry]

trying not to be depressed,  my session was canceled last minute,  been drinking all day.  i just don't know how to deal with things anymore

[Larry]

so my local pub will not serve me jack daniels any more,  and if i get a mixed drink,  it is so weak,  sometimes i feel like i need to escape,  not feel things,  i know they have no idea what i am going through,  i want to slow down on drinking,  but nothing else works !

[Armee]

You'll start to learn things that work in therapy. It's ok. One step at a time. You've taken the hardest step of starting therapy. The rest will fall into place as long as you stay committed to keeping on no matter what.

[Larry]

thank you Armee,  i really want to exercise more instead of drinking.  i need to make that happen.  my session is in 1 hour ,  i hope i don't cry !  i have a small keychain to remind me of everyone here that has been so supportive,  i think either papa coco or dante suggested that.  i will have it with me, 

[Armee]

I've never cried in therapy and honestly I will be so happy the day I feel connected enough that tears will come.  If you do cry, it's ok and beautiful and vulnerable. I understand not wanting to. I pumped my fist in victory when I got through my first therapy session without needing that stupid box of Kleenex on the table. Now it's all I want...to feel that sense of trust and vulnerability and closeness but the tears won't come.

Take this from me and place it in your key chain:

It will be ok if you cry.

If you cry today, it will be the start of healing. If you don't cry today, it will also be the start of healing, because you are there wanting to start on the long road to feeling better. Whatever unfolds, it is ok because you've started on your path.

Signed,

Armee
Your friend who cares about you.

[Larry]

i didn't cry in therapy today,  but reading that almost made me cry !  thank you so much Armee.  i needed to hear that

[Larry]

anyone around ?  feeling like i need someone to talk too, 

[Armee]

I'm in and out depending on what my kids are up to.

What's on your mind, tonight, Larry?

I'm going to go pour a warm cup of herbal tea. The heat and smell help me be calm.

[Papa Coco]

I'm around. It's midnight in Seattle and I'm in a bad anxiety storm, so sleep is not happening.

If you're still on line, I'm here now.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Larry, Armee,

Looks like you're not on line anymore. I hope you have a better day today.

[johnram]

Been wanting to read this full chain, havent done so yet

Larry - i am also an addict, the remaining addiction is porn and the hardest to beat (which has been with me since i was 12 - i am 39), but before its been gambling, food and a few other things i wont go into. 

Different things have helped me, and although therapists have helped in part, mostly its been driven by me, loosening the grip.  The biggest thing that helped me was Gabor Mates book - realm of hungry ghosts, particularly the process defined in the appendix

Using CBT and other behaviour adjustments help you get through the interim, and any day not using is a win, any time you stop the urge is a win.  Long term though i think other things are needed.

Underneath it all, there is a pain, there is likely a child still scared, and wanting love or wanting attention or protection, and rather than feel that stuff, we do the things we do.  Little by little i have found, by revealing that pain and sending love to my younger parts - its getting easier (its been a battle).  I have met many an addict who stops the behaviour but doesnt resolve the pain, i find this hard, as i want to stop the behaviour but thats never worked for me, for this addiction.   

bit by bit, crying will help, i sense you are heading that way, and sending love to you brother

hope that offers something

much love

[Larry]

so good to hear from all of you,  i was really depressed yesterday,  went out for a drink,  there were too many people,  it was so loud,  i have been doing better at controlling hypervigilance and anxiety,  but i just couldn't do it last night.  i had to get out of there.  i was doing so wel last week,  not sure what happened.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Larry,

Never let a little backsliding get you down. I think you're doing amazing. You've only just started to work on your drinking and it sounds to me like you're making pretty impressive progress.

I measure my success by the year, not the day. This is because we don't heal from CPTSD in one take. If it's okay to learn how to play the piano over time, then it's okay to learn how to gain control over the Emotional setbacks given to us by CPTSD over time as well. As long as we keep participating, and keep using the tools avaible to us, like therapists, books, this forum, etc;, we keep seeing improvements, some very quickly, others take a little longer. If you were to chart your success, the trendline would go up and down daily, but rise yearly; good days and bad days are par for the course; but if you zoom out and look at the year's trend, you'll see next year's bad days will be better than this year's bad days. Like learning the piano, daily practice, even with mistakes, is how we keep improving over time.

I'm speaking from experience and I'm totally on your side.

[Larry]

thank you papa coco ,  i know you are right,  i need to look at the big picture,  it just felt so bad going from having a good week to depressed again.  i have been doing better at handling hypervigilance and emotional flashbacks.  i am recognising them earlier and doing grounding exercises to control thins.  i just couldn't do it last night.  it was too much.  maybe today will be better

[Papa Coco]

I was sorry I missed you on line last night. I was drugged up from a minor surgery and by the time I checked on line, you had already logged off.  But I'm glad to hear you're already noticing improvements. The ability to spot the EFs and know them for what they are, flashbacks, is a major step forward.

When I say I'm happy you're starting to feel a little more control over them, I mean it. We CPTSD survivors really do feel each other in "the force."  LOL.