Hello.

[jay5r]

The first version of this post was far too much information

Let's just say I've gone through a bunch of stuff and it all built up over the years. My attempts to get back on track have gotten progressively more difficult the last few years after an assault where I kept having to deal with the factors that were part of the assault afterwards. So I came to realize I was probably dealing with PTSD, not just depression that I could pull myself out of. When I came across discussion of CPTSD I realized what I was experiencing was probably the cumulative product of lots of things that have happened over the years.

I've resisted meds because I wanted to feel things to help me understand what was going on. And haven't seen a therapist in a long while. Not opposed to it, just not sure how much it will help. Hopefully what I read on here will help me understand better.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Jay5r

Thank you for the well-written introduction. Your story tugged at my heart from beginning to end. I'm very glad you found your way to this forum. I myself just joined this week also. I'm already finding some kindred souls who are easy to connect with through our posts back and forth.

Like you I resist medications. I do go on them occasionally when I'm at my worst. My doctor works with me to help me on and off them as needed. I don't like being on them for the same reasons you mention. But sometimes I'm so depressed that I fear I'll damage myself or my relationships if I don't medicate until I level out again. Most often I'm off the meds, but they're there when I need them. I do have a therapist who is extremely helpful and has made great progress with me over the last 20 years. I also read a lot of books and articles on PTSD, CPTSD, Depression, etc. I learn a lot from them. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend the book Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker. He's a therapist and a survivor. His book is the best I've read so far. It gave me so many answers about myself that I think I burned through two fresh yellow highlighters while reading it. LOL. Another cool thing I found is a blog called https://lifeafterdogma.org/. Andrew Jasko is a therapist who works with people who need to heal from religious trauma. VERY helpful. I was raised religious and didn't walk away from it until I was 40.

Social support for non-military men with PTSD or CPTSD is pretty new in the world. Up until only a few months ago I wasn't able to find ANY at all. Every website, every book, every group I tried to join, ended up only being there to support soldiers or women who'd been abused as girls. It's like men weren't allowed a diagnosis unless they'd been in a war. I once attended a presentation (at my workplace) for PTSD survivors. I got there early because I was so excited to finally find it. The presenter walked around to us early arrivers and introduced herself. She asked what war I'd been in. When I told her that there were no wars when I was 18, so I never went, she ASKED ME TO LEAVE! Talk about a trigger. It was a mile long walk back to my desk. By the time I got there I had to go clock out and home because I was starting to freeze up from the trauma trigger of being thrown out for being me.  The story of my life.

Born in 1960, I was in my early twenties when the AIDS epidemic came. My heart aches for your loss. I remember it was such an ugly disease that hurt some of the world's kindest and gentlest souls. I'm so sorry you lost your partner in it. Such a tragedy. I lost my best friend to it also. I'm not gay myself, but as a very sensitive and caring person, I often make friends with other sensitive and kind people. The gay community is overflowing with artistic, kind, quiet, gentle people. So I tend to make a lot of friends there.

I'm straight, but when I was ten, (5th grade in 1970 in a Catholic school) my best friend at the time—who I now know was a sociopath in the making--started making sexual advances on me, but at that age, during that time in history, in a religious setting, I had no idea what was happening and didn't respond how he wanted me to, so he labeled me as gay (probably to take the spotlight off himself) and then became the most horrific bully of my entire life. I understand the loneliness and isolation that hurts so many LGBTQ children and adults because I've walked a lot more than a mile in their shoes. In retaliation for not being who he'd wanted me to be, he turned the entire school into a mob that bullied and beat on me for the next several years. I became unable to learn. My grades tanked to straight Ds. I became so dissociated I couldn't even hear the teacher half the time. As a quiet and gentle boy, I was an easy target, so those little religious monsters just pounced on me with ease. Many of the nuns and teachers joined in and pretty much stopped treating me as a human being. My family refused to help, and even taught me I was to stay quiet and never stand up for myself in case they might have to answer for my behaviors to the principle. Ever since then I've felt like I have a legitimate connection to the LGBTQ community and have had the tendency to make a lot of friends of every orientation, race and gender. In fact, I tend to make the deepest connections with people who feel like they don't "fit in" because I have spent most of my life feeling like I don't fit in also. I now believe, with all my heart, that the traumas that exist in the LGBTQ community are not because a person is born a certain way, but because of how badly people are bullied for having been born a certain way. I believe it's NOT who we are that hurts; it's how we're treated. The loneliness and isolation does more damage than all the beatings and scorns put together.

Anyhow, I tend to write too much. I'm an open book that's been yearning to share my true story for over 60 years and now that I've finally found others who understand me, I have to work on my brakes. LOL. I have no problem getting started, but I have to consciously make myself stop.

So...welcome to the group. I hope you find support in the posts of others who walk the same paths you do. I hope you feel connection. We can't erase our past experiences, but the good news for you and me, sir, is at least we're not alone anymore.

[jay5r]

Papa Coco - thanks for your reply. You clearly saw the first (much longer) version of my intro - which is fine. I just didn't feel comfortable leaving that much detail up posted in a semi-public place. I have the text saved, if that changes...

I'll check out the book and blog you referenced.

Thanks again.

[Kizzie]

Hi Jay and a warm welcome to OOTS   

Lots of good resources and people here so hope you find it helps.  No need to rush posting details, better to go at a pace that's comfortable and feels safe for you. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Jay5r 

After a rough ride (parts of which may still reverberate) I hope you feel you've finally landed on a bit of an oasis. Here, at least you can start off knowing the people around you here care and support others, like yourself, who are discovering there may be light for the trail ahead.