I really need someone to talk to

[Larry]

thank you,  i feel better today,  things got a little rough last night

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear that Larry   

[Larry]

anyone here?  i am so lonely and scared

[Larry]

i don't now why,  probably f@@ing christmas,    i can't sleep.  scared to even try.  what is wrong with me ?

[Armee]

 

Larry I'm so sorry that this time of year is understandably so deeply triggering for you. I'm really proud of you for facing so much of it in its raw pain without numbing too much with alcohol. That'll help this slowly get easier in the future, along with the work you do in therapy. I'm sorry that your dad abandoned you and started a new life. That is so wrong and hurtful. It would hurt even an adult. But you were just a little kid and he was your dad. He was messed up to do that to you. You didn't deserve it. You deserved unconditional love and protection from your parent and he couldn't provide it. You've scraped together and given to yourself what you've needed enough to make it so far in life. YOU are amazing.

But as to your question: "what's wrong with me?" Trauma. What's happening to you is normal for people who have been traumatized. Nothing is wrong with you, except your nervous system is stuck responding to something in the past. That's not your fault or a matter of shoddy will power, you just haven't had the opportunity yet to retrain your nervous system to stay present and not whip you back to the past. It's a matter of learning what works for you and practicing it over and over and over. Once your nervous system is rewired to not react to the past as if it is a current threat this won't feel so terribly overwhelming.

It is possible. I've done it with very deep suicide fear and trauma. It took three years of very hard work.

[Larry]

thank you s much armee,  i have been doing so good with drinking,  until last night,  i stayed up until 5 am and drank way too much.   i don't want to do that anymore.   i guess it is a new day.   things look a little fuzzy this morning,  i got about 4 hours of sleep.  i am going to try to stay sober,  alcohol seems to help not feel pain or emotions,  i really want to find a better way

[Armee]

I understand. 4 hrs isn't enough but pretty good all things considered. It's a tricky balance. We need to feel the pain and emotions to heal but not so much at once that it overwhelms our ability to cope. But when we start this work there's no controlling the spigot. It's either off or fully on drowning us. Thats where alcohol or other forms of self harm come in. It'll get better and you'll find ways to slow down the surge without needing alcohol but it'll take time. Gentle with yourself while you learn to use other healthy tools.

[Larry]

    i am so glad you are here,  i really appreciate all of the support. 

[Not Alone]

Nothing is wrong with you. You are responding to trauma. I hear that it is really hard right now. You are not alone.

[Larry]

thank you not alone,   i hope you have a great day !

[Larry]

anyone here tongiht?   

[Armee]

 

I'm a bit late to the party. I'll be up for about 30 more minutes. Tough night? What's on your mind?

I can make you laugh, maybe. I was staying up late to make some banana bread but as I was putting the batter in the oven I accidentally knocked the pan against the oven and dropped it all over the oven where it dripped all through the racks, and out the cracks in the oven door. Lord it's such a mess and looks and feels like baby diarrhea but she amazing! 😁. I can't clean it all right now cause the oven is hot. The cockroaches are eating well tonight, I guess.

[Not Alone]

I'm here, Larry. Are you having a tough time?

[Larry]

anyone here tonight ?

[Armee]

I'm here but have probably missed you. What's weighing you down tonight?