I really need someone to talk to

[Larry]

i have no idea,   i was an abused child,   i don't feel like i could take care of a child,    maybe i could,    but i would be so afraid of doing the wrong things

[Moondance]

The first step to regulate me, my T taught me is called polyvagal.  If you google it, you can learn how to do it.  Another tool T gave me is called "The container".  T told me to find a place in my head to keep stuff in, stuff that I can deal with at a later time.  T suggested this to me because I was overthinking, hypervigilant.  T told me to put whatever I wanted in the "container".   I often put overwhelming thoughts in the container, I also put feelings in my container.  It helps me not be so overwhelmed.

[Larry]

thank you moondance,   a previous T suggested the container thing,   i need to try that again.  i feel like i have drank enough to get throught the night.   starting to not care about anything.    maybe tomorrow will be better.   thank you for being here

[Moondance]

I think probably you would be supportive to that child in front you.  You would most likely let the child know that they matter. 

I hope you can learn to be gentle and kind to  yourself  because you do matter, your important.  I guess they call that parenting yourself. 

It's time for me to sign off for the night Larry.

I hope you can get some sleep and face a new day tomorrow.




Please reach out for help when you need. 

[Blueberry]

i have no idea,   i was an abused child,   i don't feel like i could take care of a child,    maybe i could,    but i would be so afraid of doing the wrong things

Hi Larry,

I get this, I really do. It was the same for me for 'quite a while' and it even still is sometimes - 'no idea', my brain and heart are a complete blank. Or I'm frightened of doing, saying something wrong and hurting an Inner Ch. again and making everything worse.

One thing I did do which helped was read up on child development and modern methods of bringing up children so I have an idea.

Or for real basics: do you have a pet? or even a house plant? Talk to them in a friendly way. That gets your brain habituated to non-abusive thoughts and talk (which is often in a kind of loop in our heads).

Container exercise: I had step-by-step instructions in a book on setting up the container, but I didn't get anywhere with that. Instead a T taught me and actually had to help me access my creativity and powers of imagination. (All that had long since disappeared and/or most of it had never developed in the first place due to the nature of the emotional abuse I grew up under. At first my container was far away in some magic place only I have access too. Later on I also had a 'container' in a different T's cupboard.

I agree with those who say that first you have to get regulated and ime that doesn't take place in just one T session or even 5 sessions. It takes time.  No point forging ahead with whatever methods when the foundation is missing. I had to be helped by successive Ts to NOT drift off into dark areas in my imagination. That might not be an issue for you - hope it's not - but if it is or if some other unknown thing 'gets in the way', it's quite OK to need help setting up a container and then practising so you get there semi-automatically when in need.

Anyway, I have to get on with my afternoon. Take care, the best way you can. We can only do our best here, we with cptsd. We can't perform miracles in healing every day. (How I wish!)

[Moondance]

  Blueberry!      

[Larry]

thank you all so much,   now that i am sober and reading this,  it is very helpful.   I try to be good to myself,  i don't know why the negative thoughts and depression take over sometimes.    I had 3 drinks after work today,   i didn't even want to drink,  i felt terrible this morning,  didn't get any sleep last night,  and was a little hung over.   feeling a little depressed now,   but i'm going to try to get some sleep. 

[Armee]

Have you tried watching comedy shows? It's something that works for me cause laughing helps me stay present. The depression and drinking are because you are essentially being pulled into the past. Stay present. Here. Now. Everything is ok. You are not being abused anymore. You are safe.

[Larry]

thank you armee !   

[Larry]

anyone here tonight?

[Larry]

I really need help,    i just can not do this by meself anymore.   i don't have anyone to talk too,    i feel like i just don't matter to most people,   i don't know what to do.   

[Armee]

  yup. You're not alone

[Larry]

thank you armee,   i just feel so alone,   i don't know why i get such negtive feelings,   i just feel like i don't deserve to be happy.   i try so hard.   but the feelings just will not go away

[Larry]

i'm going for a walk,   i hope i am here tomorrow

[Armee]

I hope you are too Larry. I'd be heart broken if you weren't. Crisis line, hospital are both good options. They have their flaws but they can keep you here long enough to have a chance to feel better in the long run.