Letter of things I can’t say

[rainydiary]

I would like to try to get some thoughts out if my head before I attempt sleep:

Dear "Colleagues,"

I will do my best to keep this "professional" (which mostly means not using swear words).  I can't say what I really want to say to all of you, so here are some questions I have:

What have I done to you?

Do you feel better for tattling on me and getting our administration to micromanage me?

Why do you pretend to be nice to my face and talk about me behind my back?

Do you feel better for all your efforts to control me?

Seriously, what have I done?

You are mean and hurtful and exclusive. 

Deep down I see your pain and unhappiness.  Instead of facing your own stuff, you take it out on me because I have the courage to be myself and speak my truth.

And yet no matter how good I might feel for a moment, it leaves almost instantly and I spend hours and days and weeks agonizing over what I did wrong.  I blame myself for your hurtful behavior.  It feels like my fault. 

Rest assured I won't work with you for much longer.  I am actively looking for a new job in a different field in a different state.  You have drained me and exhausted me and I have lost any desire to continue doing what I am doing. 

I hope that you find whatever it is your looking for by bullying people that don't fall in line with your worldview.  You can tell yourselves you are doing "what's best for students" if that makes you feel good about treating another human like garbage. 

Right now though this isn't easy and I cry a lot.  I don't deserve this.  I can't find compassion for you and I don't assume "positive intent" on your part.  Why would I want to stay?   I shouldn't have believed it would be different this time around.  I wish I had listened to myself and gotten out.  I can still get out and I will. 

One day I will look back on this time and see how far I have come.  I will learn from this and I will realize that you aren't worth the suffering.  I have options and the courage to move on.