“Positive Intent”

[Jazzy]

Wow RainyDiary,

I am impressed by the wisdom you display in this post! I'm glad you are noticing these things in your life.

It makes me wonder if they are taught to say that through their training or gaining experience as administrators.  Yet it is always said at times when someone is doing things that are not ok and when that leader doesn't know what to say or do about it.  What gets me is that if they treat me like this, how do they treat students?  I know that they tell themselves pretty stories about how good and kind and compassionate they are, but these attitudes color everything (as you mentioned, it is like poison).

This is absolutely correct. I've had some of that training. Like so many similar things, it has some good points to it. Unfortunately those good points are often twisted and injected with poison, corrupting them, using their power to harm instead of heal.

The stories they tell are lies to convince themselves they are right, because they do not want the discomfort of looking at the truth. While the truth is painful at times, it leads us to growth.  I am glad you have the wisdom to see this.

E.g. I have written about how names are important, and made it a point to use names here. I am pleased to see that you and some others have adopted that as well. This is one of the things that has been taught to me. The reason this was taught to me is that it is powerful. Using people's names often leads to them feeling respected and valued. This is the end of what I was taught.

I realized on my own that it is important with what I do with that power, i.e. the rest of the message besides the name. Since I was taught "professionally", it is expected that I use this technique to convince others I am correct. This is not good. I should not manipulate people in this way and my work should stand on it's own. If it cannot, it should be torn down to be re-built in a better way, not propped up by manipulative techniques.

When these positive and powerful techniques are twisted so far they hurt others like how your boss does, it is completely unacceptable to me. Likely this is such a strong point, because like so many others, I had started to do this myself. I'm confident I could go far in management if I applied myself, but I will not hurt people like this.

"Believe it or not, I know when someone's intentions are good.  If the intentions of my colleagues were good, I wouldn't be sitting here telling you how hurtful they have been."

This sounds like an excellent thing to say! I strongly encourage you to do so, if you are ready to face the potential consequences of speaking this truth. The only thing I would do differently myself is to remove the phrase "Believe it or not". You are correct whether your boss believes you or not, and your boss will choose to believe what they want regardless of what you say. People choosing to believe what they want is one of the things written by Julius Caesar, and it is an incredibly powerful truth to me. I have it engraved on my ring.

I am doing my best to create an environment that works for me.  And to use my voice.  I am getting worried as I know that other people won't change unless they want to.  I am worried I will continue to be their target because I speak uncomfortable things that show the holes in the pretty stories they tell themselves.  But I can try.  And in another year, I can leave in a way that doesn't feel so bad to me if I need to (I really wanted the chance to talk to my students before I go).

I am so pleased to hear this. It fills me with relief and happiness.

You are correct, people will  not change unless they want to and  know how. You will be a target by speaking uncomfortable things and painful truths. You can try, and you can succeed, so long as you keep yourself strong. I find the support of others to be crucial in this regard.

Thank you for being a part of that and a place I can come to.

Thank you for trusting me enough to reach out.