New and a bit overwhelmed

Geopolis · August 28, 2021, 08:28:53 PM

I finally found you! After 10 years clean from all substances and multiple rounds of 12 step digging i have been exposed to the gut wrenching source of my suffering...Childhood. Of course I always knew my journey would lead me here but every time I attempted to self-parent, self-love or self---anything I would inevitably wind up in self-destruction, self-loathing and sabotage. After browsing through this community and seeing the courageous work being done here I feel at home (which is monumental since I've never known home before).

A quick background: Alcoholic/abusive stepfather (scapegoat), emotional abuse centered around shame, physical abuse and forced isolation, sexual abuse from outside household, suicidal ideation culminating in first attempt at 14, followed by addiction until age 29 with multiple other attempts in between.

Now at age 40 I have dedicated my life to recovery in every way. With 3 small children I refuse to allow my past to become their future. I'm currently seeing an amazing therapist who, through guided meditation, introduced me to... me. My inner child. I could smell and feel things I had long forgotten and with that introduction has come a flood of shame and vicious internal chatter all in my own voice.

I have so many questions as I've just recently discovered Pete Walker and his amazing work. Thank you all for your courage. Through all the fear and pain I feel more hopeful than ever. I look forward to being a part of this loving community

Papa Coco · August 28, 2021, 09:56:16 PM

Welcome Geopolis!

I've been a member for just a few days.

I'm finding a lot of support and "love" on this site. I hope you do too.

Congratulations on finding an amazing therapist (T) that you are happy with. I am on my 7th T now. I've been with him for 22 years. The 6 before him just weren't helping. Some of them were just plain incompetent. Number 6 was a sociopath. I HATED the one's who would just sit there and make me talk, but wouldn't respond. What the HECK was that? Who in their right mind thinks that people who feel unloved will heal by refusing to acknowledge anything they say? But then, it reminds me of a joke: What do they call the person who graduates bottom of his class? Answer: Doctor.

So just because someone hangs a shingle outside their office, it might mean they went to school, but it does NOT mean they graduated top of their class. Incompetence is everywhere, including therapist offices. That's why I say congratulations on landing a good one.

The first 6 T's misdiagnosed me with everything in the DSM V Psych manual, from Manic/Depression to just choosing to not look at the bright side of life. The T I have now finally diagnosed me with PTSD in 2000 and has been doing amazing work with me ever since. TRUST is my biggest hurdle. Betrayed by family, church and best friends, it took me years to finally trust my T enough to let him in to my deepest psych. The Trust is the core issue for me.

Cool that you met your inner child. Now the healing can begin for both of you!

Again: Welcome to the site!

bluepalm · August 28, 2021, 10:19:15 PM

Hi Geopolis, and a warm welcome to this healing community.

When you say that with three small children you 'refuse to allow my past to become their future', this resonated so strongly with me. Yes! Having the inner strength to work on understanding and healing from the past so as not to pass on pain and suffering is truly precious.

I look forward to reading your contributions to this forum.

Geopolis · August 29, 2021, 11:12:16 AM

Thank you both for the warm welcome! I'm astounded at the wealth of experience in these forums. When I read some of the posts I feel empowered and hopeful but when I want to post I feel so incredibly self-conscious and painfully vulnerable. I know its a "when you feel comfortable" leap of faith but im really just beginning this deep inner work and the fear of not being accepted is paralyzing.

woodsgnome · August 29, 2021, 11:51:32 AM

What you note about fears and judgements is very understandable, Geopolis.

One thing to keep in mind, though -- it's okay not to always feel okay. Of course this whole venture you've entered can seem vulnerable, and being so in the past didn't serve you well.

The difference here is that many who will see your hesitation and shakiness about expressing your truth will themselves know where you're coming from. For me, putting myself out there was always a recipe for disaster in my early years, a trait which sadly continued well beyond that rocky start.

Bottom line here is different -- you are accepted, as a whole, unique and wonderful individual. We understand being at the brink. No play of words will make it any different, any better; or give some magical shot of confidence. Still, as I've hinted -- here there is a difference. It probably can't ever be said enough -- here you are not and will not be alone.

I used to, still do, feel apprehension about anything I say; starting with the fear of being misunderstood. It's sometimes hard to find the right words, given some of the deep scars we all have. Wherever you decide to go with using this forum, feel free to always be you. Once you take the first step, the rest might still frighten a tad, but you'll notice this time it feels different, as there are people here who will understand.

Welcome --

Kizzie · August 29, 2021, 03:30:44 PM

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Geopolis

Glad you found us and lovely to hear you sense we are a caring community, we are!

Tons of resources, support and encouragement here so please make yourself at home.

Papa Coco · August 29, 2021, 08:14:16 PM

Hi Woodsgnome,

The words you gave to Geopolis were beatiful and were good words for me too. CPTSD is the gift that keeps on giving, and no matter how long I've been in therapy, I still worry that my sharing has overstepped my bounds, insulted someone, made a fool out of myself, or made myself into a target.

I think it's safe to say that a great number of us on this site were raised by sharks. I know I was. Showing vulnerability in my family was like bleeding in a shark tank. Feeding Frenzie!)

But you are so right, this forum has been nothing but warm and welcoming. It's been a safe and nurturing place to share and to both recieve and show support with others who feel as apprehensive and alone as I usually do.

I've been a member nearly two weeks and so far it's been a positive and healing experience right from the start. I'm really benefitting from you all.

witnessoflucidhypocrisy · August 31, 2021, 11:42:48 PM

Quote from: woodsgnome on August 29, 2021, 11:51:32 AM
I used to, still do, feel apprehension about anything I say; starting with the fear of being misunderstood. It's sometimes hard to find the right words, given some of the deep scars we all have. Wherever you decide to go with using this forum, feel free to always be you. Once you take the first step, the rest might still frighten a tad, but you'll notice this time it feels different, as there are people here who will understand.

Those are the words I needed to hear as well, and will try to embody that acceptance to everyone here. That apprehension has stopped me from giving the words of encouragement that I have wanted to many times since my own introductory post.

Geopolis, your vulnerability has already added to my journey that I am taking alongside you. Thank you for sharing.