I feel like I don’t belong

[juliaguarde]

I feel like no matter where I am, I just don't fit in.
It hurts on so many levels.
I don't fit in. I want to. I want to connect, I want to belong. I know I'm having an extended flashback right now but that's knowledgeable is not helping me today. The tools I have are not helping me today. Even the memory of feeling like I did belong on Sunday isn't helping.
How do I help myself feel like I fit in?  Words are hard. Communication is one of my sticking points- many reasons for that - and it just keeps me feeling more isolated.
My m, I've begun to recognize is a covert narcissist. She would say things like, "they don't like you because you're too pretty and too smart. Just smile and try harder," when I begged her to tell me why the kids at school hated me. 
This is one memory I've had my whole life but never put to emotions. I knew it, but didn't feel it.
Others have crept in along my healing journey.
I know it's her undermining me, but again, that knowledge doesn't help.
I enjoy learning, figuring things out, problem solving and knowing the why has generally helped me navigate my life.
The thing is, when it comes to emotional stuff, knowing what isn't the same as knowing how.
It hurts to feel left out. It hurts to feel like I don't belong. It hurts and I don't know what to do about it because - I can't teach myself that I'm worthy of human interaction. Only other people can do that.
On the other hand, only I can take the step to try to trust enough to see if I'm okay just the way I am.
What do you do when you feel similarly?

[rainydiary]

Juliaguarde, I appreciate you sharing this reflection.  I feel this way a lot too.  It is helpful to be in this community because others get my experience and that often helps me feel a sense of belonging.

Something I have worked a lot on is feeling belonging in my own body.  For me, yoga, massage, exercise, and even things like haircuts have been extremely helpful for me to feel at home in my body.  These things have also helped me learn about the sensations in my body and putting words to my body experiences.

As I've become more at home in my body, it's helped me at least have better awareness of places or situations that I really don't want to be in.  I think it is also important to know when something isn't right for us. 

I am still working out feeling more belonging around others.  I still feel safest when I am by myself. 

[Armee]

I ride it out until the emotional flashback passes, remind yourself this desperate stuck feeling is temporary and when it passes you can manage the feeling of not fitting in and sort out if you don't fit in or if you feel like you don't fit in. When youbatebfeeling stronger you can ask a few close friends if they think you don't fit in. Listen to what they tell you. I had to do the same about a feeling that I couldn't understand why people liked me or loved me and there was nothing there to like or love. It was illuminating.  It's hard to ask the question, hard to take in what people tell you. But worth it. Just don't ask abusers.

[Kizzie]

Hi Julia, I'm so sorry you feel this way.  Many of us do so we know how awful it feels.   

FWIW here's my take on why we do feel this way.  On some level as children we knew we were on our own, that we couldn't attach/connect in order to survive.  Isolating ourselves protected us then, but it lingers and part of recovery is about sorting out whether or not that's still true.

Intellectualizing is something I've done a lot of around issues like this, but what I've found helps me progress the most is looking at how/why I feel the way I do emotionally. And that's tough. 

Being here is a good first step toward connecting and nurturing a feeling of belonging. Being able to write about how much it hurts to be left out is huge IMO.  I wouldn't admit that for decades so it suggests to me you are moving forward even if it doesn't exactly feel like that at the moment. 

Your post is brave Julia and I for one am glad you let us see that part of you.   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Juliaguarde,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I feel like a one-off that doesn't fit in most of the time too. I hope you really, truly understand that it's not true. It's your Trauma lying to you the same way my trauma lies to me. The way I see it, my trauma voice is still alive and well and stuck in 1970, which is when I really didn't fit in because of bad parenting and abuse from my classmates. When I asked my parents for help learning how to fit in, they told me the same BS. "Just ignore them all" and "they're all jealous." My parents didn't want to deal with my problems. I was more of a family pet that needed to not make too much noise than a human being with social needs.

That's bad parenting from many years ago, but the voices are still in my head even though the message is outdated. It still hurts. I don't have a great solution to offer, but I really do hope you fully grasp the truth that it's trauma—not truth.

If you think about it, no one really fits in. If each of us is an individual, with our own unique blend of talents, skills, desires, loves, dreams, feelings, etc; etc; then by the definition of being an individual, none of us really do "fit in." Maybe fitting in is overrated. LOL.

For me, not fitting in feels more like just a raw sense of chronic left-over childhood loneliness. I was lied to and taught not to love and care for myself, so today I still struggle to love and care for myself. I'm still lonely even when I'm with people—which doesn't make sense. If I'm lonely on a crowded planet where I'm not alone, then I must be feeling trauma.

I see a few people have jumped in to tell you that they (and I) also feel like we don't fit in. I guess you know that with this crowd, you fit in perfectly.

I'm pulling for you!

[juliaguarde]

Thank you for your replies.    It means so much to know I'm not alone.

I'd like to reply to everyone individually but I'm getting overwhelmed and starting to overthink everything.  I'm feeling right now.  I'll come back later for the rest.  I do appreciate that each of you took the time to read and reply. 

I'm sorry you're struggling. I feel like a one-off that doesn't fit in most of the time too. I hope you really, truly understand that it's not true. It's your Trauma lying to you the same way my trauma lies to me. The way I see it, my trauma voice is still alive and well and stuck in 1970, which is when I really didn't fit in because of bad parenting and abuse from my classmates. When I asked my parents for help learning how to fit in, they told me the same BS. "Just ignore them all" and "they're all jealous." My parents didn't want to deal with my problems. I was more of a family pet that needed to not make too much noise than a human being with social needs.

That's bad parenting from many years ago, but the voices are still in my head even though the message is outdated. It still hurts. I don't have a great solution to offer, but I really do hope you fully grasp the truth that it's trauma—not truth.

I'm pulling for you!

I'm sorry that happened to you too. Yes, I can see how it would be my trauma lying to me.  That's a helpful way of looking at it.  Thank you for sharing.  It helps, I feel less isolated and strange.  I appreciate you pulling for me .

Being able to write about how much it hurts to be left out is huge IMO.  I wouldn't admit that for decades so it suggests to me you are moving forward even if it doesn't exactly feel like that at the moment. 

Your post is brave Julia and I for one am glad you let us see that part of you.   

Thank you - this may be the first time in my whole life where sharing my feelings has been labeled as progress!  It made me cry, in a good way, to finally have what I consider the "right thing" done.  (sorry, words are hard, I know there's more than one right thing).  All the therapy, all the therapists, and none of them have ever told me that sharing my feelings was a good thing. 

[Armee]

Thanks for this gem, Papa Coco:

I don't have a great solution to offer, but I really do hope you fully grasp the truth that it's trauma—not truth.

[Kizzie]

  Julia

[Bermuda]

Thank you for posting this. I'm so sorry you are suffering. As I read your words I truly felt as if they were my own. I don't have any words of wisdom, but thank you, and yes.