Hello; Introducing Myself

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Hi everyone. I was formally diagnosed with PTSD and Autism last December at 34 years old, but about two years prior I had a therapist identify the strong possibility of having PTSD. I had a really difficult and isolated childhood and having gone undiagnosed with Autism until adulthood really amplified some of those struggles, but I'm grateful to have come this far.  My dad is likely on the spectrum, but I think it's very possible that he's also borderline.  My mom is very high up on the narcissistic spectrum and has scapegoated all of her discontent onto me throughout the majority of my life; my brother is her golden child. These family dynamics are how I developed PTSD/C-PTSD, but my mom tends to be the one that contributed the most to it. I'm recently divorced from a man that likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that relationship has added a significant amount of trauma; unfortunately this marriage and other social relationships have been repetitions of my relationship with my parents and as such have incurred experiences of retraumatization.

I am unfortunately currently living with my parents in my childhood home.  My move in was supposed to be temporary, but with the quarantine and then getting laid off, I'm here indefinitely until I can move out again. All is not lost though, I've been working really hard and have had external support through my therapist and friends for achieving this goal.  At this stage in my life, my parents are much less volatile than they used to be in my childhood, although it's clear that they are still the same people that traumatized me in the first place and frankly as an adult I don't tolerate as much anymore either.

As for recovery and healing, the priority for me right now is to get my own place where I can be emotionally safe.  Being in my childhood home is extremely triggering for me and that hasn't been made easier to be in quarantine and work from home setups with my parents. But again, I have some outside resources, one of which is my therapist who specializes in EMDR therapy.  I've only recently started working with her, but so far she's definitely the therapist I've clicked most with out of the ones that I've tried. I think that's all I've got for now. I just need help staying grounded and distanced from the drama and manipulations long enough to get out.

[Dante]

Welcome!  I can relate to a lot of your post, my mother also is a narcissist who scapegoated me and made my brother her golden child.  I'm sorry to hear you are stuck with them for the time being, but glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.  I'm also sorry to hear that your other relationships mirrored your family of origin (FOO); I've had a lot of that too.

Glad you are here.  I have found this to be a place of healing and support.

[woodsgnome]

Despite the trying circumstances you've described, Operation: EscapeGoat, It's noteworthy that you've had enough energy to reach out here. Welcome -- I hope this can act like an oasis of sorts while you try and gather the wherewithal to turn things back in you favour.

It's also good to note you seem to have a therapist you feel confident in working with. Speaking personally, this connection has made a huge difference in how I'm managing with my own healing journey.

Again, welcome 

[Kizzie]

Great pseudonym Escapegoat!    You are miles ahead in recovery knowing who's got the problem, why and what you need to do to deal with the trauma. I hope being at OOTS will help you on your journey, lots of great resources and compassionate, supportive people with lived experience to walk alongside you.

[BeeKeeper]

Dear Operation: EscapeGoat

I admire your courage in posting and your sense of acceptance and humor. I encourage you to explore the forum and consider a "recovery journal" if it seems safe to record your day to day musings, trials, tribulations and successes.

Welcome to having another resource!  It will get better from here.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Escapegoat

I like the name you chose. Very clever.

My wife is on the spectrum and so is my oldest son. I've been married to her for 38 years and I think she's the finest human being I've ever met. She's 100% honest, caring, nurturing, but people don't realize that she's also easily hurt. They think she's bulletproof. She's tough, but she's not unbreakable. I'm a big fan of people who are on the spectrum. After 4 decades with her, I've finally learned how to spot the signs that she's not angry, but suffering over something.

I'm fascinated by how well you understand your CPTSD situation and I sincerely hope you find the support and the "listening ear" that I've found to be so helpful here on this forum.

Here's to hoping the stars align in your favor soon so you can move out of your childhood home. I'm 61 years old and I still have nightmares that I moved back into mine. Ick!

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Welcome!  I can relate to a lot of your post, my mother also is a narcissist who scapegoated me and made my brother her golden child.  I'm sorry to hear you are stuck with them for the time being, but glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.  I'm also sorry to hear that your other relationships mirrored your family of origin (FOO); I've had a lot of that too.

Glad you are here.  I have found this to be a place of healing and support.

It has honestly helped a lot to hear other scapegoat's stories; I feel much less alone in the experience when I do.  In hindsight I can see which parent past traumatic friendships and relationships were mirroring.  If you don't mind me asking, how do you pick differently from what you're familiar with?

Thank you for the warm welcome.

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Great pseudonym Escapegoat!    You are miles ahead in recovery knowing who's got the problem, why and what you need to do to deal with the trauma. I hope being at OOTS will help you on your journey, lots of great resources and compassionate, supportive people with lived experience to walk alongside you.

Thank you so much! I hope so too. In the past I've really struggled with getting sucked back in to the toxic patterns only to relearn this truth over and over again.

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Despite the trying circumstances you've described, Operation: EscapeGoat, It's noteworthy that you've had enough energy to reach out here. Welcome -- I hope this can act like an oasis of sorts while you try and gather the wherewithal to turn things back in you favour.

It's also good to note you seem to have a therapist you feel confident in working with. Speaking personally, this connection has made a huge difference in how I'm managing with my own healing journey.

Again, welcome 

Thank you so much! That is my hope too.  Living with C-PTSD is such a difficult way to live and in my experience it's been hard to find understanding of that difficulty. 

Yes, so far this therapist has really "shown up" in the ways I have needed her to.  I say so far because we have still only been working together for about almost 2 months, but in that time she has really supported me in the ways I've needed most.

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Dear Operation: EscapeGoat

I admire your courage in posting and your sense of acceptance and humor. I encourage you to explore the forum and consider a "recovery journal" if it seems safe to record your day to day musings, trials, tribulations and successes.

Welcome to having another resource!  It will get better from here.

Thank you so much! I'll definitely look through the forum and will try out the recovery journal.  The present circumstances though being what they are, are a bit of a two steps forward, one step back progress.  Sometimes three or more steps back. But I'm very hopeful for once I have my own home and space.

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Welcome Escapegoat

I like the name you chose. Very clever.

My wife is on the spectrum and so is my oldest son. I've been married to her for 38 years and I think she's the finest human being I've ever met. She's 100% honest, caring, nurturing, but people don't realize that she's also easily hurt. They think she's bulletproof. She's tough, but she's not unbreakable. I'm a big fan of people who are on the spectrum. After 4 decades with her, I've finally learned how to spot the signs that she's not angry, but suffering over something.

I'm fascinated by how well you understand your CPTSD situation and I sincerely hope you find the support and the "listening ear" that I've found to be so helpful here on this forum.

Here's to hoping the stars align in your favor soon so you can move out of your childhood home. I'm 61 years old and I still have nightmares that I moved back into mine. Ick!

Thank you!  Your wife sounds lovely and it sounds like both of you are lucky to have each other. Honestly my ASD diagnosis was probably one of the best events in my life mainly because it shed so much light on what was "going on" with me and paved the way for a lot of self acceptance over things I grew up ridiculed for.

Thank you! It's one of the many Autistic traits that drove me to "figure out" what was going on for years so I could figure out how to live better.  It still took a long time to find the most accurate answers, but I'm glad and thankful for the clarity that I've finally found. I hope so too.

Thank you.  Yea, it is a bit of that nightmare coming to life, but thankfully I'm much bigger and reasonably stronger.  I'm determined to protect the hurt Autistic kid inside that didn't deserve any of the treatment she got. It's shocking sometimes how critical of a period childhood is and how we carry that period our entire lives.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Escapegoat!

I'm glad you've found some peace and acceptance in finally receiving the Autism Spectrum diagnosis and the CPTSD diagnosis. Knowledge is power! We found the same relief when our son was diagnosed. Unfortunately, we had never heard of Autism Spectrum (then called Asperger's) until he had finally graduated and struggled his way through the school system. But it wasn't too late to turn things around for him. He now fully embraces his diagnosis and carries on a productive life with his understanding of why he is who he is.

My marriage is so much better now that she and I both understand how the spectrum has shaped her also. As for me, I am not on the spectrum, but I had the same reaction to being diagnosed with C-PTSD.

What a relief to know I wasn't the freak my family and peers had always said I was.

Here's a little storybook analogy that shows how I see the world how it relates to folks like us who weren't diagnosed with CPTSD (or any other spectrum) until later in life:

I was adopted into a herd of horses, but something was different about me. Other horses stared. They didn't like to be seen talking to me. They treated me like an outsider. An embarrassment. I found ways to get up every morning, but I didn't really want to. I wanted to give up, run away and live alone in seclusion where no one would laugh at me anymore for being me. I knew the gods had made a mistake with me. I didn't fit in and I didn't know why.

Then, one day, a new vet came to the pasture and saw me. He said, "My, you are a beautiful zebra." None of my peers had ever heard of a zebra before, so I researched it and found out that there are thousands of other zebras in the world and a lot of them have always felt the same way I did. Then I joined this forum and started sharing my experiences with other zebras.

My life opened up when I finally found out that I was NOT an abnormal horse, but a very normal zebra.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power!

Have a great day!

[Operation: Escapegoat]

Hi Escapegoat!

I'm glad you've found some peace and acceptance in finally receiving the Autism Spectrum diagnosis and the CPTSD diagnosis. Knowledge is power! We found the same relief when our son was diagnosed. Unfortunately, we had never heard of Autism Spectrum (then called Asperger's) until he had finally graduated and struggled his way through the school system. But it wasn't too late to turn things around for him. He now fully embraces his diagnosis and carries on a productive life with his understanding of why he is who he is.

My marriage is so much better now that she and I both understand how the spectrum has shaped her also. As for me, I am not on the spectrum, but I had the same reaction to being diagnosed with C-PTSD.

What a relief to know I wasn't the freak my family and peers had always said I was.

Here's a little storybook analogy that shows how I see the world how it relates to folks like us who weren't diagnosed with CPTSD (or any other spectrum) until later in life:

I was adopted into a herd of horses, but something was different about me. Other horses stared. They didn't like to be seen talking to me. They treated me like an outsider. An embarrassment. I found ways to get up every morning, but I didn't really want to. I wanted to give up, run away and live alone in seclusion where no one would laugh at me anymore for being me. I knew the gods had made a mistake with me. I didn't fit in and I didn't know why.

Then, one day, a new vet came to the pasture and saw me. He said, "My, you are a beautiful zebra." None of my peers had ever heard of a zebra before, so I researched it and found out that there are thousands of other zebras in the world and a lot of them have always felt the same way I did. Then I joined this forum and started sharing my experiences with other zebras.

My life opened up when I finally found out that I was NOT an abnormal horse, but a very normal zebra.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power!

Have a great day!

My dad is very likely on the spectrum and while it doesn't excuse his contribution to my C-PTSD, it contextualizes it in a way that I am able to understand and let go of some of that baggage. I agree though that the C-PTSD diagnosis was its own revelation, because it is more the true cause of my functioning issues than the Autism.

I liked your Zebra story a lot and will try to bear it in mind at times when I'm feeling sensitive to rejection. I've also had a similar metaphor for my family, except that in the worst of times I've likened them to disloyal ravenous wolves and I'm like a tiger in the middle of it all having been declawed and vocal chords disabled.  I like your Zebra metaphor a lot too though; it feels more accurate to the social experience of feeling alienated due to trying to relate and simultaneously cope with the ptsd responses.

[Papa Coco]

I like your tiger metaphor too. Having been declawed. It resonates deeply with me as well. We were taught not to fight back. Our claws were removed and we were left to fend for ourselves with wolves, but we were unarmed.

I'm a huge fan of metaphors to help me understand complex issues in simplistic ways.

One more metaphore that fits for how I learned to protect myself from my own family. I was raised by sharks. Anytime I showed vulnerability, I bled in the water, which incited a feeding frenzie, with me as their meal.

But that's just what it's like for most Catholic families I've evern known. (I'm no longer Catholic--nor religious on any front--too many sharks for my taste). We have to become tough, or very secretive and self protective, or our own families and church peers will eat us alive.

Home is where I should feel safe. Not where I should feel most at risk.

[Hope67]

Hi and welcome to the forum 
Hope