Saw my parents and feel confused and sad

[Pippi]

Just needing to have others know how sad I feel today.  I saw both my parents yesterday. I generally avoid contact, but they are prematurely aging and frail and my sister and I share responsibility for their care - financial, medical, etc.  My mother is a pancreatic cancer "survivor," but we don't think she will last much longer.  Thinking of her as I saw her yesterday - thin and pale and helpless, and - as she always was - like a frightened little bird, so full of her own lifelong trauma (starting with her abandonment by her parents at age 5)... her sadness just breaks my heart.  At the same time,  my young self is filled with rage that her trauma meant she could never be there for me and instead asked that I take care of her.  She could never let me know that I was safe, worthy, of value in this world.  And she could never protect me from my narcissistic father or my brutally abusive older brother.  If I complained or was anything other than good and sweet and quiet, I was mocked or criticized or simply abandoned by her, because she could not cope.  So, little me is racked by lonely rage, so furious with a mother who did this to me, who didn't meet my needs.  But also heartbroken because I have always been able to see how much pain she is in.  She's like a little lost lamb whom I have been comforting for as long as I can remember - likely since the day I was born.  And for all my efforts, I was never able to save her.  And I think she'll die soon, and it's just so sad and unfair.  She didn't get a chance, or never made use of what chances she did have(?).  And so she handed all her pain to me.  And now I do have a chance.  And I am working so hard to heal my pain, to end this generational pattern of trauma.  But oh lordy, it hurts.  It just hurts that my mom is so very sad and broken and I can't fix it.

Saw my father, too, but that's another very long story.   

[bluepalm]

Oh Pippi, my heart goes out to you. Such an overwhelming tragedy. I have no other words - just that my heart goes out to you.
bluepalm

[Pippi]

Thank you, bluepalm. Your kind words truly do help. 

[Papa Coco]

Pippi,

I stand with such respect for you and for how you've come to understand your own story. Bluepalm's word, "tradgedy" feels appropriate for what your mom has gone through and then how her story led to what you've gone through--and to what you are going through now. But rather than just be angry, your compassion, which is mixed with your pain, is so very impressive to me. I see it as evidence that you are a truly good soul, and an emotionally evolved, deeply intelligent person.

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad today, but I totally, and completely understand. I would be sad too, and possibly for many days after a visit like the one you had yesterday.

I'm very glad you shared your sadness with us. I wouldn't want to find out you dealt with these emotions alone when you have these amazing friends on this forum who want to connect with you. Also, by sharing, it gives the rest of us a chance to lend our support. I think we get as much helaing out of being helpers as we do being helped.

The other side of the coin:
My mother's death was a slow process of kidney failure. For me, her illness was only one half of the story. My narcisistic siblings, along with my insane, angry dad used her illness to bring me into a whole new level of added grief while Mom's life was tragically winding down. I hope this isn't happening to you also, but if it is, I hope you'll feel comfortable sharing that part of the story with us too. I, (and I'm sure a few others on this forum), will have a lot of empathy for you if that happens. For me, when Mom died, all H3ck broke loose in the family. The family exploded into the stratosphere with anxiety and hatred I never could have ever believed possible. Their new levels of hateful dysfunction led me to my last suicide attempt, which then forced full estrangement just to save myself from ever going that far again.

So here we are. In depression or in anxiety, we're all here for each other.

[Dante]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through.  We are here for you.  Your empathy shows you to be emotionally intelligent, even with all you have gone and are going through. You're not alone.

[Armee]

Hi Pippi,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is sad and painful and such a helpless feeling. I could have written this pretty much word for word 2 months ago as my mom was dying of stage 4 breast cancer and the resulting liver failure.

I'm wracking my brain for something helpful to say. And maybe all I have is similar to what Papa Coco said...try to reach out to as many understanding people in your life as you can tolerate as you navigate the end of this.

For me as I approached the end with my mom and saw how she was going to slip away into the confusion of death without trying to make things better or even offering an I love you, or words of gratitude or pride or even love for her grandkids...well that was heart breaking to watch those opportunities come and go and realize they weren't going to happen.

At the same time it brought closure. I never had to wait and wonder if something was going to change or if I just tried x, y, or z it would be ok. I didn't need to keep trying and contorting myself.

Because those last months, weeks, days can be so difficult I hope you can keep opening up here and to your support system about how you are feeling. I know I really really struggled with facing up to the fact that I couldn't wait for mine to die. That flies in the face of how I see myself and my values and it made me feel very guarded around a lot of people as they tried to offer typical condolences and uplifting words. Gather those people who understand around you, including us. 

[Pippi]

Wow, I'm getting choked up by your replies.  Having people who are open to hearing this, and who can even relate to me, is not something I'm used to.  Thank you so much for the virtual hugs. I feel them.

Papa Coco, I'm so sorry and sad that you had to go through that when your mother died.  I'm so glad you found a way through.  You sure help others by being here on this forum with your hard-won wisdom and compassion. 

Armee, thank you for sharing your experiences, too.  I particularly relate to the feeling of wanting my mother to die, even though I know it will hurt so much.  I feel this way about both of my parents, because they have caused so much pain to their children, they continue to hurt us, and they both are in so much pain themselves.  And there is no way besides death for that pain to end for them, because they are old and stuck and have no emotional maturity or self-love.  Watching their slow, sad slide is heart-breaking for me and for my sister (my only healthy ally in the family).  It is so hard to hold compassion for them while also holding on to ourselves, because these broken people did so much damage to us.  I have the same wish for my brother, that he be released from life sooner than later, because he is so horribly damaged and lost that all he does is hurt himself and everyone he encounters. 

I can't share these feelings with most people, because I know they would not understand and they might think I'm a terrible person to wish my family members dead.  But I know I am not.   I know that I have loved them as best I can, helped them as much as a can (I've set up a trust for my brother's care when my mother dies, assuming there is any money left), and I will grieve them all when they are gone.  It's a maddening paradox that I wrestle with daily, actually:  How to heal myself when I have been hurt so badly by those I have loved so dearly.

[Dante]

When my father died, I fell apart and sobbed uncontrollably.   But I also secretly felt relieved.   For so long, I carried that guilt.  I have those feelings now with others in my family, but it is amazing to have this place where I can safely share those feelings and have them understood and validated.